after some advice

Take the house - if you don't and the situation gets even worse you'll be kicking yourself about it as you might not get another chance of a property!! It'll be somewhere stable for you and your children.

harrys_nan wrote: »

I second this, I wish my mum had had the same help, there is nothing worse than living in fear as a child, not knowing who was going to be the next one to get hit. My mum did eventually get away, but I have to say all I ever wanted was to be taken into care away from it all.
I'm going back a long time ago, back to the 70's

Mine was back in the 50s and 60s. I left home as soon as I could and never let my own children alone with their grandparents on the few occasions they saw them. It was only when they had both died that the nightmares stopped as well. So sad as life could have been so much better for all concerned.

as others have said, take the house, *don't* give your partner keys . If you decide to keep seeing him, then do so at his home, that way if he is drinking or becomes aggressive you can leave.

It can be hard, he may become aggressive or abusive (including emotional abuse or blackmail) and try to blame you. don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking that his problems or behaviour are your responsibility.

You may find it helpful to remind yourself that you are teaching your children by example. If you stay with him, or if you continue to see him despite his abusive behavior, the message you give them, and that they will take into their own adult less, is that abusive behaviour is normal and acceptable in a relationship.

By leaving, and protecting yourself and them from his abuse, you teach them that it is not, that that no-one should tolerate being treated in that way, and that treating a person like that is not OK.

I strongly recommend that you split from him completely. This is a person who is abusive - he may change, but it is not an easy or a quick process.

If you decide to carry on seeing him then ask yourself - how much has he really changed? Is he going to AA or other support groups? Has he spoken to his GP to ask about anger management classes / counselling? Does he acknowledge that he has been abusive to you or does he see this as solely an issue around his alcohol use?
Even if he is able to change, do you actually want to be with someone who has treated you and your children in that way

Clowns_and_Jugglers wrote: »

But presumably you DIDN'T start drinking. You dealt with the tragedy in better ways.

My concern is, you're still making excuses for these men.

Not much point in giving advice, because you don't want to hear it. You'll no doubt refuse the council house because partner #2 will tell you it'll be your fault if he has to go back to drinking again to ease the loneliness.

You can't help some people

Clearly cherry is asking for help right now and has taken on board the advice of everyone so far, so this seems quite uncalled for.

It can be hugely difficult to recognise that just because a partner used to be a certain way, they are no longer that way now - particularly as being an alcoholic or even abusive doesn't make a person 100% entirely bad, it means they are making bad choices.

However, this does not in any way take away from his responsibility to be a good partner and father, or that it is his behaviour that is causing the problem NOT YOURS. It will likely be very difficult for him to change, and if you fear for your safety and wellbeing or that of your children, the best possible move is to leave and create distance. If you feel you want to support him to make changes then that's fine. Just because he says he will change though, doesn't mean he will, and there will be a lot of work before it would be right for you to go fully back into the relationship.

Whatever happens from now on, remember that it is his responsibility to change his attitude and behaviour, and you are not responsible for his choices.