Your views please! Re who really ruins a relationship?

Judi wrote: »

i dont blame the woman who my ex had an affair with. I blame him. I will always blame him.

GDB2222 wrote: »

I hear your anger, but that's a very negative way of looking at it, and it's not going to help you move on.

I don't 'hear' anger in Judi's post you quoted.

I could have posted exactly the same thing, although the young girl I refer to in my earlier post did throw herself at my then-husband - and that information came from uninvolved parties not my husband.

I blame him.
It will always be his fault.
That's not a negative way of looking at it, it's a matter of fact.

I have moved on.
Well, I've been with someone else for 32 years and married for almost 30 and only think about my ex when I read threads like this.

If Judi hasn't moved on I hope she feels able to in the future.

trailingspouse wrote: »

Interesting that we talk of 'the other woman' but never 'the other man' - although kudos to previous posters who have mentioned 'the other person'. Yes, men have affairs with married women. Married people have affairs with other married people.

And I think simplifying it to some sort of tabloid 'temptress seduces married man' level is unfair to all parties involved. There are three sides to every story.

It's much more common that 'the other woman' is blamed than the other man. Of course that should not be the case, but in my esperi

As others have said, it is the unfaithful spouse or partner who is at fault, not the person they chose to cheat with, who may often bnot know that the person they are in a relationship with is cheting on their spouse or partner.

While I do think that people often cheat because they are not happy in their marriage or relationship, I don't think that that manas that the ir spouse or partner is at fault; if someone is unhappy or unfulfilled then they should be addresing that by either ending the relationship (and *then* starting a new one), or, preferably, by talking to their spouse or partner to try to address the fact that they are unhappy or lonely and to see whether that is something which can be fixed.

The other person being blamed is easier in many cases - it allows the cheating spouse to absolve themself of blame and the 'victim' often finds it easier to blame a strnager than their own partner, but it isn't reasonable. No-one has to cheat, even if someone's flirting or trying to seduce you, you can always say no (and if you say no and they continue anyway, that isn't you cheating, it's sexual assault, which is a whole other thing. I think that the issue ofblaming the 'other woman' or 'other man' is an issue in the context of sxual assault and rape becuase it mudies the water around consent by implying that ceating can be somthing which happens to you, rather than something you chose to do.

trailingspouse wrote: »

If you're in a good relationship, you won't be tempted

I think that's a far too simplistic way of looking at it and not always true. I know people who have been perfectly happy in their relationship and cheated anyway simply because the opportunity presented itself. Sure some will cheat because they aren't happy but some will cheat simply for the excitement of it all.

OldMotherTucker wrote: »

Whilst I accept that I allowed him to treat me and our marriage in this way, I'm really angry that, all the while, other people knew he was cheating on me. Half the people in the Church when we took our vows knew. Just like we all know what he's doing to his current wife - a lovely lady and a wonderful stepmother to my 3 children.

We all dread the day that she finds out that we all know . . there is so much more than their marriage at stake. His cheating ways might destroy his children's relationship with their step mum.:(:(

So we keep up the pretense too:(:(

I'm not really sure how you can be angry with those who didn't tell you but when put in their shoes you don't say anything either. Surely either you should appreciate the situation they were in and therefore not be angry with them or alternatively tell her. Is it not a bit hypocritical otherwise?