Being the only 'OldStyler' in your friendship group.

Huge hugs to those whose friends are not understanding. :grouphug: I have been there, and it can be tough! Usually insensitive behaviour comes through thoughtlessness, or ignorance of the value of money to some of us, rather than nastiness, and though I know that is often not much comfort, it should be some! Nightengale, have you tried just being honest with people? You might find that they are perfectly accepting. Especially if it is phrased the right way. eg, "Sorry, I don't really have enough cash for Starbucks at the moment, but I really want to catch up with you! Why don't you come to mine for coffee and biccies instead?"

This will sound harsh, but in my mind real friendship requires effort, and mutual understanding. If I didn't feel comfortable explaining that I couldn't afford something, or could afford it but didn't value it sufficiently to spend money on it, I would expect a friend to accept and understand that. If they don't (or won't) they are not my friend.

Equally I understand if a friend places a great value on a 'treat' every now and then, and it is important to them and they really want me to participate, then it is important to me because of that, and I will try and budget for it. I know that to some people, the OS equivalent is just not the same, and so long as the reason for that is more than 'I just like spending money because it makes me feel worth it' (believe me, I have heard that one plenty of times), I will try to do it once in a while, if finances allow, even if I really do not understand what is so great about it at all! Because the friendship is worth more to me than a few pounds.

I agree with the people who have commented that you can't always tell who is wealthy anyway, so many people live far beyond their means. I have friends with modest lifestyles and plenty stashed away, people who are more extravagant but heading for trouble somewhere down the road, and people who are, like me, just full-on poor. But it doesn't really matter how they live their lives, so long as they are respectful of how I live mine.

This thread has made me think harder about the nature of friendship itself. It took me a long time to realise but people we socialise with because of circumstance - work, the school gate, kids/partners being friends, being neighbours - these people can become real friends, but most of them will not. We socialise with them because we happen to be thrown together with them, but it is not the same as a friendship with a solid foundation. I used to class these people as friends and spend most of my time with them without even really stopping to think whether I actually liked them.

If I can't trust them enough to tell them I can't afford something, without worrying whether they will understand, or think less of me, then the friendship has failed its most basic test. I'm not saying that I would immediately cut them dead in the street, but I would try and find people that are more in tune with me. It's a cliche, but it's true - it's not until you find a few really good friends that you realise what friendship really is.

Please don't feel bad about people's reactions if you say you can't afford a coffee. More fool them for wasting their money on it in the first place. Sometimes 'it's not in my budget' can be easier to say, but from what I've seen, my friends who are obsessed with coffees and food out are the ones who then tell me they've got no money. I switched from drinking coffee to tea only, and saying 'I'm not paying $4 for a tea bag' seems to make a lot more sense to people than refusing a coffee.

I work next to a lady who I know struggles with money yet she often buys coffees and brings them into work (we get free coffee provided at work) but becasue she doesn't do it every day she thinks she's saving money. I've switched to bringing in my own loose leaf tea which is quite fancy, but it still costs a fraction of even one coffee out a week, and it lasts me months. It's a question of perception really, as she always remarks on how much the tea costs me, yet it works out at 7p (if I convert it to GBP) a cup. Hmmmmm better value than the coffees anyday!

take your own preferred brand jar in and shovel some of the works coffee into it when no ones looking and say it's the one you prefer.....they'll never know!

:rotfl::rotfl:

That brings back memories - when I was completely brassic (about 10 years ago) I used to keep boxes and a roll of clingfilm in my bag.

I'd wander around the office at around 2 and if a saw a meeting room that had been catered for lunch I'd pop in and 'rescue' any not too manky food - no one ever eats all the fruit or salad/garnish and it used to bulk out my evening meals (or be my evening meals some days).

If they'd overcatered/lots of people had cancelled - there were sometimes entire covered trays of sarnies completely untouched and destined for the bin - I was doing a public service :A

Morning coffee meetings were the best - lots of fruit teas and mini cakes/pastries

I also used to pocket any extra tea bags, sugar, packets of instant coffee, milk pods.

All used to go into bowls at home and let me have a hot drink of an evening.

Those were the days