Wedding party duties

nkkingston · 19 April 2017 at 11:32AM

What would you say the duties of a wedding party (bridesmaids, ushers etc) are in a UK wedding? Do they have any beyond turning up? Are they essentially there to work? Where in between is reasonable?

I ask because I got into a discussion recently with an american who was shocked and appalled by the idea that the wedding party have roles to play, and that it sullies the honour you offer someone when you ask them to be a bridesmaid/groomsman by giving them duties (even asking the best man to be in charge of the rings is bad etiquette!). My understanding had always been that the wedding party all had quite distinct roles to play in the day, and that asking the people who played those roles to be your bridesmaids/ushers was a way of thanking them for it. For example, ushers are called that because they help seat the guests at the ceremony, the best man MC's the speeches as well as giving one, the bridesmaids are the first point of contact for the vendors, and in general the wedding party works together to keep the day as stress free as possible for the couple. I wouldn't accept a role as a bridesmaid if I didn't think I'd be an asset to the couple on the day, and I'd be kinda insulted if I was told that all i had to do was turn up to the ceremony and stand there in a dress the bride had chosen for me; it'd make me feel like the couple didn't trust me. I've added some options to the poll that have been true of weddings I've attended, but I don't know if they were expectations or something the wedding party offered (like covering hen party costs, or packing up the venue at the end of the night).

I'm curious as to how much this is a US / UK thing, and how much it's something that's been shaped by the weddings I've personally attended. Also, feel free to vent about the worst weddings you've been in, because that's always fun

hazyjo · 19 April 2017 at 11:48AM

IMO, ushers stand at the back of the church and tell people where to sit and give out hymn books, buttonholes, whatever.

Bridesmaids go on your hen night and are part of the wedding day. Some brides get them to arrange the hen night - although I can't think of anything worse personally - would rather go for dinner with everyone, or see a show or tribute act or something. One night out - not a wild weekend away.

Wouldn't expect them to offer emotional support (maybe they can be there on the morning, but only if you're all spending the night together, I'd not expect them to come from home to help me get ready). I've had a friend stay, go for breakfast/lunch, and maybe zip up my dress but that's about it lol!

Def not pay for stag/hen night.

Def not to keep all the stress, etc away from bride/groom.

Def not pack up after the party!

Each to their own. I'm sure google has some other opinions.

Jx

lika_86 · 19 April 2017 at 11:58AM

Ushers might hand out orders of service but that's about it.

Generally bridesmaids (or very close friends) organise surprise activities on the hen do (I assume the same applies for the stag do), but I wouldn't expect anything else, other than turning up for dress fittings for their own dresses. Anything else they do might be offered as a friend but should not be expected from the role.

I'd be well annoyed if suddenly it was my job to make sure the couple had a stress free day - why would I be the first port of call as a bridesmaid for the vendors? The couple have booked stuff and know what they've paid for.

fairy_lights · 19 April 2017 at 12:08PM

nkkingston wrote: »

the bridesmaids are the first point of contact for the vendors,

What?! I've never heard of bridesmaids taking on a roll like that.
I was a bridesmaid last year and my duties were: organise the hen do (but not pay for it - everyone who came paid for their own share), keep the bride calm on the morning of the wedding by force feeding her croissants, talk her out of some terrible makeup choices, and make sure to be the first on the dance floor at the reception to get people dancing.

The best man had similar duties, two of the grooms friends were ushers but people are generally pretty good at sitting themselves down without help so that was really only a symbolic role.
I think you can be an asset to the couple without playing a major organisational role, just caring enough to be there and wear a hideous dress can mean a lot.

Torry_Quine · 19 April 2017 at 12:12PM

The usher helps people know what the seating arrangements are. My bridesmaid came to my home when i got ready but didn't help me get dressed! I didn't have a hen do but if i had wouldn't have wanted my bridesmaid to pay for it. Seems strange that vendors would contact anyone but the couple who organised it.

KateySW · 19 April 2017 at 12:13PM

I think I'd personally feel a bit miffed if I was asked to turn up in a dress picked for me but wouldn't have any impact on the day otherwise!

I'm getting married soon, and have 5 bridesmaids (I have 3 sisters!), but to be honest, the priority with my maids is that they just have a fun time! But a couple of things to make them feel involved in the day:
- We're all getting ready together in the morning, when someone comes in to sort my hair (I'm pants at hair and make up!) they'll have theirs done too. I'll pay for that of course.
- They're involved in the ceremony - readings and we're also doing something called ring warming as it's a humanist ceremony.
- Coming with me for the final wedding dress fitting and we'll do dinner altogether the night before. I'll also be setting up the venue the night before but I don't expect them to help me with that.

I really didn't want them to organise a hen do for me but my sisters wanted to. Thankfully it's going to be very low-key, I really didn't want to do a mini break away or anything. Also I'll be paying for my share of the day, whatever that involves...

I think it should all be tailored to the group of friends/family you have and how involved or not they want to be. I've tried to make them feel involved in decisions but also not wanted to put any pressure on them organising anything.

nkkingston · 19 April 2017 at 12:24PM

I couldn't figure out how to edit out 'pay for' on the hen do - that's spending too much time on american websites where being a bridesmaid is a massive financial commitment (engagement party, wedding shower, hen do, buying your own dress that the bride picked out...).

I'm interested in the getting ready thing - I've never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids didn't all get dressed and coiffured with the bride in the morning. I wonder if it depends on the time of day and the extent of the coiffuring and complexity of the dress? My sister needed someone to lace her into hers (who'd been to the fittings with her to find out how!) and one of my friends had to take a bridesmaid with her every time she went to the loo because she was in a full on Princess Di marshmallow of a dress and needed someone to help her hold the skirts up.

Pollycat · 19 April 2017 at 1:47PM

Do you mean ushers or best man?

Emotional support and help getting dressed

This ^^^^ is the only 'duty' I think a bridesmaid has.

cashewnut · 19 April 2017 at 1:56PM

Other than keep me calm and give out some confetti boxes I didn't have any jobs for my bridesmaids.

However during the evening of my wedding I realised no one had brought my overnight bag. One of my bridesmaids then drove a 20 mile round trip to collect it from my mum's! Luckily for me she was very early days pregnant so hadn''t been drinking. I never expected her to do this but was very grateful and sent her a bunch of flowers to say thanks

Mojisola · 19 April 2017 at 3:02PM

nkkingston wrote: »

What would you say the duties of a wedding party (bridesmaids, ushers etc) are in a UK wedding?

There are no rules.

Each bride and groom can plan their wedding as they want and come to mutual agreements with members of the wedding party as to what they would like them to do.

Pollycat · 19 April 2017 at 3:36PM

nkkingston wrote: »

What would you say the duties of a wedding party (bridesmaids, ushers etc) are in a UK wedding? Do they have any beyond turning up? Are they essentially there to work? Where in between is reasonable?

I ask because I got into a discussion recently with an american who was shocked and appalled by the idea that the wedding party have roles to play, and that it sullies the honour you offer someone when you ask them to be a bridesmaid/groomsman by giving them duties (even asking the best man to be in charge of the rings is bad etiquette!). My understanding had always been that the wedding party all had quite distinct roles to play in the day, and that asking the people who played those roles to be your bridesmaids/ushers was a way of thanking them for it. For example, ushers are called that because they help seat the guests at the ceremony, the best man MC's the speeches as well as giving one, the bridesmaids are the first point of contact for the vendors, and in general the wedding party works together to keep the day as stress free as possible for the couple. I wouldn't accept a role as a bridesmaid if I didn't think I'd be an asset to the couple on the day, and I'd be kinda insulted if I was told that all i had to do was turn up to the ceremony and stand there in a dress the bride had chosen for me; it'd make me feel like the couple didn't trust me. I've added some options to the poll that have been true of weddings I've attended, but I don't know if they were expectations or something the wedding party offered (like covering hen party costs, or packing up the venue at the end of the night).

I'm curious as to how much this is a US / UK thing, and how much it's something that's been shaped by the weddings I've personally attended. Also, feel free to vent about the worst weddings you've been in, because that's always fun

I'm more in agreement with your US friend than you.

However, hasn't the best man always kept hold of the rings until the appropriate point in the ceremony?

The idea that the bridesmaids are first point of contact for the vendors is, quite frankly, bonkers to me.

I suspect you've been reading this:
http://www.countybride.co.uk/gloucestershire/wedding_etiquette/roles_duties/

Wedding party duties

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