Marriage over don't know where to start

kizzykizzywizzy · 25 July 2008 at 11:34PM

Ok I know this isn't the relationships board, but this is where I post & feel at home, so hope you can all help me.
I have been happily married ( or so I thought) for 13 years to my DH who I've been with for nearly 21 years, since I was 17 & he was 18
He got a secondment away from home to earn extra money to pay off our 20k debt ( which we have & more ) & after not seeing him for 4 & a half months myself & the 2 children ( 7 & 5 ) were thrilled to see him, but he was quite cold & unaffectionate towards me, where I just wanted to hug him to death!!! as I missed him so much. Other than that he wasn't too bad, but not his usual self, really miserable. No hint of this whilst he was away, emails saying he loved me & missed me.
I thought he might have cheated, but deep down, I didn't think he would., he assures me he hasn't & I believe him.
He told me on my birthday, of all days that he loves me, but is no longer in love with me. Life should be wonderful now, we have 2 lovely children a nice house, no debt, a bit of money in savings & a reasonable amount of money coming in each month( enough to get by). I only work part time to fit in with school.
The thing is, we don't want to make this any worse than it is, & are still going on holiday as a family ( fingers crossed he'll be ok ) I desperately need a holiday as his secondment was 18 months & within that time my mum died, my dad has became a alcoholic due to this & is in fact in hospital at the moment, my sister's marriage has also broken up, so lots going on & looking after the kids, my 94 yr old grandmother & re-mortgaged the house, started a job, sorted the debts, lived on next to nothing to get savings for our future.
So - he has said he wants me to have the house, the re-mortgage doesn't go through til october & we need to stick to that, because otherwise it will go up really high, it's only fixed for 2 years though, so may be a problem to remortgage after then, if we are not together?? I only earn £2k per annum as a dinner lady, he says he will pay the mortgage & bills & leave me the car, in fact everything. Very nice of him, but I don't know how he will be able to afford this & get a place for himself. How much do people charge lodgers or for bedsits in the south? he won't be able to afford much more.
Also I just don't know anything about divorce how much it costs, where to start, we really don't want to give the small amount we have in savings to a solicitor, as things will be tight & I don't want the children to have to go without yet again.
Sorry to waffle, I'm just pointing out practicalities here, not my emotions, I'm devastated, so if I sound hard I'm not.
I will also feel terrible that he will have an awful life on his own, obviously he can see the children whenever, & we've even spoken about going on days out together as this would be nice for them.
Just don't know where to start, things like wills etc.
To be honest this is all too much for me to work out at the moment, help someone

Gemmzie · 25 July 2008 at 11:37PM

I don't have anything useful to add, sorry, but have a dodgy hug :grouphug:

Snaggles · 25 July 2008 at 11:38PM

Hiya - I'm just about to go to bed, but didn't want to leave without posting. I am sorry you are going through this, what a difficult situation.

I have never been through it, but I'm sure others will have good advice for you. Do bump the thread again tomorrow morning if you don't get any answers tonight.

Sorry I can't be much help, but I just wanted to wish you well xxx

Buffythedebtslayer · 25 July 2008 at 11:40PM

Ok, So I have started to answer your post about four times now. everything I write sounds naff, so I am sending you hugs and go do some research for you

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

kizzykizzywizzy · 25 July 2008 at 11:41PM

Thanks guys, I feel so alone

boredofbeingathome · 25 July 2008 at 11:42PM

Aww hun, i am really sorry it has come to this. I wonder if the secondment has taken it all out of him, and he is confused and wondering what he is doing with his life. Perhaps as you have been together so long it may be worth trying councelling..i think he may well need to talk it through with someone who is impartial.
I am probably only saying what you have thought about yourself..

Good luck and i hope you will get things sorted.
BOB X

piglet6 · 25 July 2008 at 11:43PM

Kizzy - I don't know what to advise as I don't have the right experience for your questions, but wanted to send you a big hug

(oh dear, that hug smilie looks even dodgier than the usual one!!), and say how sorry I am - it must have been a huge shock for you.

Well done for keeping things so amicable and putting the children first...it must be difficult for either of you to concentrate on anything at the moment - after 21 years together it is a huge lifestyle change for both of you...

I'm sure somebody will be along with better advice soon, but just wanted to send you some support!

Piglet
x

Snaggles · 25 July 2008 at 11:44PM

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Thanks guys, I feel so alone

Oh hun, I am so sorry. The one thing I CAN promise you is that you don't need to be alone through all this - we will try to help as best we can. I will 'interrogate' a few friends who have gone through similar experiences and see what I can find out for you.

Is there no way to save this? Would he consider counselling?

kizzykizzywizzy · 25 July 2008 at 11:48PM

I think he's depressed, he assures me he is not & has been unhappy for a long time, yes we argue, but who doesn't, I thought we were rock solid.
He says the time away has given him the chance to think about things.
He did say he'd try, but has actually gone back on that, we were going to try until the holiday was over & take it from there, but obviously now he has decided not to.
I asked him to see a doctor, try counselling etc, he won't

mountainofdebt · 25 July 2008 at 11:52PM

I know this sounds hard but you need to think of your emotional needs and not how your OH will cope....after all he has had the advantage of advanced knowledge of the bomb shell he was about to drop.....adn I think it was particularly cruel to announce it on your birthday.

Its early days yet and I really do hope that you can work things out....whatever that may mean.<
X

Cleosmum · 25 July 2008 at 11:53PM

I think with 21 years under your belt the least you should both do is try relate, it would be awful to let it all slip away without a 'fight' iykwim? I think once things arent so raw you could sit down and work out a way that you can both live. What about upping your hours to 16 and applying for WTC and CTC? You will also be entitled to some help with council tax.

Big hugs x x

Marriage over don't know where to start

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