overwhelmed new member

Aamberle · 19 July 2012 at 6:30AM

Morning Coco - Happy Thursday x

mintymoneysaver · 19 July 2012 at 7:30AM

Glad to hear you are feeling more hopeful. I'm still in 'our' house, but give my ex his due, we have no debts, and he doesn't want his half until the kids are grown up.
I wanted to ask you a question though, if you don't mind. Your kids sound about the same age as mine, and he keeps coming round to visit them. He has a flat, which they have been to, but last week he was here twice. Do you find it really awkward to talk to him? I don't want to go out while he's here, because I don't want him to feel like I'm avoiding him ( and he would feel like that) and he tries really hard to make conversation but I just can't be bothered talking to him! I'm much happier without him, although it was an amicable break up. And does he see the kids on a regular basis, or just when he can fit them into his social life?

Coco114 · 19 July 2012 at 8:22AM

Morning Amberlee

Happy Thursday to you too !!!!

Hi Minty - wow its almost like we are talking about the same person .... Am running very late for work today but I will answer your post at lunchtime. Being amicable is almost tougher than not being & I know how hard it is

Will catch up with you later though xx

Have a great day all

Coco x

Coco114 · 19 July 2012 at 8:24AM

Aamberle sorry

stupid phone !!!!! xx

Coco114 · 19 July 2012 at 11:58AM

Hi Minty

Hmm, its not easy is it - being amicable was all I ever wanted too ! When you have been with someone that long, its like losing your best friend, and, whatevers happened - I still try not to hurt his feelings if I can help it.

But, if he has his own flat - other than a quick coffee while your kids get ready - there is no need for your ex to do the visiting at your house. He should be picking them up, taking them off to do whatever he wants to do with them - its his time to spend with his children on their own, not making polite conversation with you. Its incredibly difficult to appreciate how tough it is until you are in the situation yourself.
If he wants to see them an extra evening in the week, he can come and pick them up and take them out for dinner cant he.

The above is why, sometimes staying at the "family home" just doesnt work. Tbh, in your position (ie not in negative equity) I would be putting the house on the market and making a fresh start. If you dont want to do this, the only thing you can do is make it clear that, for now, he has a financial investment in the property, it is not his home any more. He will get there it just takes time.

To help things along, I dont plan my Saturdays around the ex - if he wants to spend it sat on my sofa, he can carry on. I just go shopping/meet friends/go for a walk. And I NEVER tell him where I am going/what time I will be back - its non of his business anyway. He is slowly getting the message - it just takes time.

Being "friendly" is all well and good - its being careful not to "blur" the lines thats difficult. You dont need to be rude, just polite. My ex religiously turns up to visit on a saturday and one day in the week - he fits his social life around the kids.

I could go on for ages, but, one more thing is that. At the moment, your ex has his flat, does what he wants most of the time - you are entitled to your new life as well. For anyone reading this from the other side, I truly understand how difficult it must be when you cant see your kids every day - missing all the little things must be heartbreaking when you have to move out. But, by the same token, if it were me, I would be making the most of every precious moment I had with the kids on my own, not wasting time making polite conversation with someone I am no longer with. Kids adapt very easily, and, if the ex (mine or yours) arent very careful - kids will get to the stage where they are not overly bothered whether they see their Dad or not - and thats a crying shame.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to know more - am happy to share and help if I can

Best of luck - its a cliche (but a very true one) that time is a great healer - you will get there.

Much love.

Coco x

Mr_Toad · 19 July 2012 at 12:14PM

Coco114 wrote: »

Hi Minty

Hmm, its not easy is it - being amicable was all I ever wanted too ! When you have been with someone that long, its like losing your best friend, and, whatevers happened - I still try not to hurt his feelings if I can help it.

But, if he has his own flat - other than a quick coffee while your kids get ready - there is no need for your ex to do the visiting at your house. He should be picking them up, taking them off to do whatever he wants to do with them - its his time to spend with his children on their own, not making polite conversation with you. Its incredibly difficult to appreciate how tough it is until you are in the situation yourself.
If he wants to see them an extra evening in the week, he can come and pick them up and take them out for dinner cant he.

The above is why, sometimes staying at the "family home" just doesnt work. Tbh, in your position (ie not in negative equity) I would be putting the house on the market and making a fresh start. If you dont want to do this, the only thing you can do is make it clear that, for now, he has a financial investment in the property, it is not his home any more. He will get there it just takes time.

To help things along, I dont plan my Saturdays around the ex - if he wants to spend it sat on my sofa, he can carry on. I just go shopping/meet friends/go for a walk. And I NEVER tell him where I am going/what time I will be back - its non of his business anyway. He is slowly getting the message - it just takes time.

Being "friendly" is all well and good - its being careful not to "blur" the lines thats difficult. You dont need to be rude, just polite. My ex religiously turns up to visit on a saturday and one day in the week - he fits his social life around the kids.

I could go on for ages, but, one more thing is that. At the moment, your ex has his flat, does what he wants most of the time - you are entitled to your new life as well. For anyone reading this from the other side, I truly understand how difficult it must be when you cant see your kids every day - missing all the little things must be heartbreaking when you have to move out. But, by the same token, if it were me, I would be making the most of every precious moment I had with the kids on my own, not wasting time making polite conversation with someone I am no longer with. Kids adapt very easily, and, if the ex (mine or yours) arent very careful - kids will get to the stage where they are not overly bothered whether they see their Dad or not - and thats a crying shame.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to know more - am happy to share and help if I can

Best of luck - its a cliche (but a very true one) that time is a great healer - you will get there.

Much love.

Coco x

How's that for a post then :T

Who'd a thunk it looking back at the old Coco that you'd have been able to write such a wonderful post.

You've come so far since those dark days at the start.:T

Coco114 · 19 July 2012 at 12:26PM

I got there in the end

Coco x

Mr_Toad · 19 July 2012 at 5:31PM

I want to know where my week went!

As far as I can work out it should be about Tuesday lunchtime. I've been robbed! According to the clock it's half five and I haven't had breakfast yet, no wonder I'm hungry.

I can feel a walk to the pub coming on to see Neville the part time barman.

Coco114 · 19 July 2012 at 6:36PM

Ooh Masonn I know that feeling well

My week has whizzed by - sadly because I have promised myself to sort paperwork & cut the grass this weekend .... Yuk !!!

Give my regards to Neville & I sincerely hope he has taken care of the beer for you

I have just gone home & had a momentary panic that we had been burgled ....... Then remembered I had been "school hollidayed" !!!! How much flamin mess can 2 kids make ??!! Especially when they dont get out of bed till lunchtime !!!! Grumble , grumble

Coco x

Mr_Toad · 19 July 2012 at 11:31PM

Feeling much better after a pint, well two actually, and a chat with friends. A couple of the old goats, I mean regulars, were moaning about what the rain is doing to their runner beans.

Neville was fine, as always, and so was the beer.

He's been there for years, he turned up one day as a relief landlord, a sort of locum and never left. He's been known as the part time barman ever since. :0)

Grass cutting, we have gardeners to do that sort of thing at Toad Hall, all very civilized and covered by the service charge, as is the window cleaning.

overwhelmed new member

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