Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles · 7 June 2014 at 11:44PM

I started this thread when I was lonely and suffering with mental health issues and was lucky to find a wonderful group of amazing new friends who now mean the world to me. My name was Worried and Scared back then but with the help of everyone here I became Waves and Smiles. This thread is no longer just about me, it is about all of us and for anyone who needs mental health support, their carers and anyone who is interested in learning more. Sometimes we speak seriously, sometimes we offer gentle advice and a lot of the time we laugh together. Sometimes I write mini-novels about my experiences of living with complex mental illness. What is important is everyone here is there for each other. New posters are welcome to join in, or just lurk if they would prefer. This is a place without judgement or pressure, and a safe place for everyone. We try to keep abbreviations to a minimum but if there are some that you do not understand please ask.

Sir Pugliet is our Good Mental Health pug! You may notice that he is mentioned from time to time, he is a little cuddly pug toy that was sent to me by a friend on the thread. He is something of a celebrity now!

Hugs and warm handshakes, whichever you prefer.

I have a lot of physical and mental illnesses that I have listed on the Disability forum so I won't bother going through them again. My partner is also a carer for his mother and she is particularly unwell at the moment so he is having to spend the weekend with her. I only have other carers during week days which means I am alone until Monday.

Today is a bad day, this world doesn't feel real, it feels like I am dreaming and I am about to wake up at any moment. Yesterday I was better but my stability can change within an hour sometimes and it happens several times a week. I don't expect any solutions as there aren't any, my psychiatric people work on maintenance as there is nothing more that can be done. I am on medication and have had 16 years of various therapies and we have come to the end of the line. It just helps me to know someone in this world (as opposed to the fantasy worlds in my head) reads what I say and it makes me feel more real and connected.

I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday as it has been discovered that I have Lupus too and I feel sick at the thought. I have only left my flat for 4 times in the last year, all for hospital appointments. My CPN and my partner are coming with me and we have a technique where I have a blanket over my head so I cannot see people, I can't bear to be looked at. I know that makes me stand out more to people but if I can't see them I can't tell that they are looking so it works.

Sometimes this is so hard and there is no way out of it. I have always cooperated with my doctors and done all that I can to get better but things can;t be improved. Believe it or not I am far more stable than I have ever been for the last 5 years, before was just lots of self-harm and suicide attempts and stays in hospital. I can;t distract either as I can't have any music or sound as it makes me hear things and reading is no good as I get caught up in the lives of the characters and think that I am within the book, the book becomes real and real life fades away. A specialist told me once that we all have a switch that stops us dreaming when we wake up, my switch is faulty so I get confused between the two. I have been taught a lot of grounding techniques to try to overcome this, they work with varying success. I am just sitting here now waiting to wake up, I feel like this isn't my life.

This will pass probably after I stop worrying about the hospital appointment, I just have to get through but it is exhausting. I have been in and out of therapy and on medication since I was 13 and I am just so tired. I won't take my own life as I promised the 3 people who care for me that I never would and I would never hurt them but this isn't really being alive. I feel utterly useless to everyone. I spent a lot of my life in a children's home and really tried to get better. I pushed myself to go to university and worked all the way through to support myself and eventually got my dream job of managing a residential home for autistic adults with challenging behaviours. I was so very happy. Then I became physically and mentally ill and lost everything and something in me died then. I have only ever wanted to give back the help I was given to others in pain and now I can't even trust myself to do that.

Sorry for the ramble and thank you if you read this. As I said I am not looking for solutions, I just wanted to feel a little less alone.

toniq · 7 June 2014 at 11:51PM

You aren't alone, just keep taking all the help offered, your illness sounds awful but we'll done you for writing all that it must have been so hard.
I have a close family member suffering a mental illness and having voices tell her she is worthless awful as she is only 19, she is starting cbt and on meds, xxx

Waves_and_Smiles · 8 June 2014 at 12:05AM

Thank you for replying, it really does help.

A lot of people have things a lot worse than me and I feel guilty even writing this as I know my problems are small in the grand scheme of things. I am one of the lucky ones as I have always had support from doctors and agencies, some people have to fight for that. Believe it or not I qualified as a psychologist so I can understand my mental illnesses. My psychiatrists have told me that the only thing that has kept me out of long term residential care is that I am aware of what is happening to me. So again, I am one of the lucky ones.

I live mostly in the past now remembering what my life once was when I believed I had it all. The memories hurt rather than bring joy because they are always tainted with how much I have lost. I always wanted to help others and after years of my family telling me that I was Devils spawn and useless it meant so much to make a difference. I worked in my full-time job and also worked voluntarily as a therapist for families with HIV/AIDS and after that I can never pity myself. I suppose I am just letting myself a little indulgent tonight and reach out.

ETA I feel so much for your family member. it is awful when you hear the constant taunts from within your head that you are worthless. She must keep taking the medication, it really can help. Also do tell her that she isn't mad and out of control, she has a chemical imbalance that needs correcting, it is not her fault. I really wish her well and you also who will be supporting her.

LittleMrsThrifty · 8 June 2014 at 12:14AM

+1

You're not alone.

X

jenhug · 8 June 2014 at 12:15AM

If you feel you need to speak to a "real" person, don't forget the samaritans. They could provide you with a friendly voice. x

08457 909090 (UK)

Waves_and_Smiles · 8 June 2014 at 12:20AM

Thank you so much. Even by people replying I feel a little better, you can all see what I have written so I must be real and so must the world. Right now the voices in my head are very persistent but I know that aren't real and can't hurt me, I just wish that they would just stop telling me how bad and evil I am. I have always tried to be kind, I really have tried my best.

smileypigface · 8 June 2014 at 12:25AM

I don't have any experience or knowledge to enable me to say anything helpful - but I'm up late too, and read your post, and just wanted to say that I'm in total awe of the way you are dealing with the challenges you are facing. I hope that doesn't sound crass - I don't mean it to.

I just wanted you to know that I read your post and 'heard' what you said and let you know that you are not alone x

Waves_and_Smiles · 8 June 2014 at 12:43AM

What a kind thing to say, that doesn't sound crass at all.

I have to keep going, I promised the 3 people who love me that I would and I would never devastate them by breaking that promise. If it was left up to me I wouldn't be here just because I am so tired. I have had various emotional problems and mental illness for 32 years and I am exhausted. A lot of people don't realise that with long term illness it is just so wearing, I never know if I will be ok each day or if something small might trigger me to feel bad. As odd as it sounds I miss nature. I want to be around trees and touch them and feel the sun. It is the little things that I miss, not a wonderful lifestyle or an exciting life, just little things that many people don't even notice. I never did when I was well and working, I was too caught up in rushing around and getting things done. Now the little things are everything.

smileypigface · 8 June 2014 at 12:56AM

I can empathise with what you say about the little things mean everything - it's something that is on my mind at the moment too - having given up a busy working life in the hope of making time for the truly meaningful things in life - but still not managing to achieve it - it's so easy to be swept along, as you say, not really appreciating what is really important. I suppose, in a way, at least understanding that fact is a step in the right direction.

xx

Waves_and_Smiles · 8 June 2014 at 1:17AM

Yes, you are on the right path now just by recognising that. I never stopped to notice anything when I was working, every second of my day was filled. Now I would give anything to have that chance again and to be able to appreciate everything I missed.

I also long for a family. My mother was an abusive unmedicated schizophrenic and a very difficult woman. My father committed suicide on my 13th birthday as he could no longer cope with caring for her, bringing me up and trying to work to support us. I walked away from all of my family when I was 21 as they were very dysfunctional and didn't like me at all as I was the one who got help. They saw it as betrayal and hated me. I chose never to have children as I knew that I couldn't give them the life they deserved and it was the hardest decision I have ever made.

I do have 3 people in my life who care about me though so I am very lucky. A wonderful best friend, my partner who has been with me for 23 years and the teacher who I first told at school that I was being abused. The latter and I have stayed in touch for 33 years and he tells me that I am the daughter he should have had. I have more than a lot of people do so I have no right to complain.

Sometimes I am just tired of fighting every day, the thought of this for another 30 years is crippling. I have to though, I made promises.

Tahlullah · 8 June 2014 at 1:30AM

Hello, just wanted to say hello, I am listening and you are here, with us in the real world.

Tx

Just needed to be heard for a little while

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