How do you say 'No' to people without feeling guilty?

ripplyuk · 29 September 2016 at 9:47PM

I'm really struggling with this. Whenever people ask me to do something, or go somewhere, I find it hard to say no.

It's everything from friends wanting to meet up or go out more than I can cope with, to doing an activity I'm not really interested in, clubs/charities I'm involved with wanting more help, and family expecting constant visits even though I live far away from them and (with some of them) would just rather avoid them as much as possible. Basically just stuff I don't want to do.

If I say no, I feel bad because I'm letting people down and disappointing them and they just seem to nag more and more to get me to agree. Or, I end up lying and making up excuses which makes me feel even worse!

I tend to end up agreeing to everything which means I never have time to do the things I'd really like to do.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this?

Peter333 · 29 September 2016 at 9:51PM

There is no easy answer to this. It depends on what kind of person you are. An assertive person who takes no carp from anyone. Or a people pleaser.

No amount of counselling or assertiveness training can ever change anyone if they are a people pleaser.

Far better to say no, than say yes and then pull out, letting people down, or doing things begrudgingly.

My wife used to have this problem as she can't be bothered most of the time, but she has learned to just say no now, and people just get used to it in the end. If they have a problem with you for saying no, then they weren't much of a friend to begin with.

Not much help to you sorry.........all you can do is keep saying no until people stop asking LOL.

tacpot12 · 29 September 2016 at 10:08PM

Would a system of rationing work? If you go out on one friends "do", you allow yourself to decline the next. Charity A asks you to do something, you do, charity B asks, you don't?

This will feel arbitrary and unfair but it will balance out over the long run. Everyone will get a bit of your time and energy, but you will also give yourself permission to say no some of the time.

Thistle-down · 29 September 2016 at 10:23PM

The more you say no, the easier it gets. The first couple of times are the hardest. There is a limit to what you can do without other parts of your life suffering, so make sure you only say yes to the things that are important to you.

The next time someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do, try saying "I'm sorry, I just don't have the time." If they press you, repeat it. If they ask when you will have time, say something vague like "I don't know" or "not for quite awhile" so they don't try to pin you down to something in the future.

edited to add - don't be drawn into a conversation about why you can't do what someone is asking, people will try to overcome any obstacle you may mention so they can get what they want from you. What you want is equally important. Don't be swayed!

ripplyuk · 29 September 2016 at 10:56PM

Thistle-down wrote: »

edited to add - don't be drawn into a conversation about why you can't do what someone is asking, people will try to overcome any obstacle you may mention so they can get what they want from you. What you want is equally important. Don't be swayed!

I think that's the problem. For whatever reason, I feel I need to justify why I can't commit to something without a good reason. It doesn't seem good enough to say that I just don't want to.

Usually, people will keep asking me why I can't do something and it seems wrong (and doesn't work) if I tell them the truth, especially if it's something like just needing to spend time alone, or doing housework, being tired, or not having enough money. No one seems to find these valid excuses.

Thistle-down · 29 September 2016 at 11:17PM

ripplyuk wrote: »

if I tell them the truth, especially if it's something like just needing to spend time alone, or doing housework, being tired, or not having enough money. No one seems to find these valid excuses.

It's terrible when people keep pushing you until they get what they want. I've been in that situation many times myself, until I took a stand and just started saying no without explaining other than saying I don't have the time. I say no to most things now, and my quality of life is so much better. The things I do say yes to are not filled with resentment or trying to figure out how little money I can spend or how quickly I can escape.

My husband went one further - he just tells everyone he's an unsociable bas!!!d and doesn't go out. He will do things with us and his family or very close friends, but otherwise the answer is no. People have quit asking him and he is much happier because of it.

I'll say it again - what you want is just as important as what they want from you. What you want matters!! You should not be made to feel guilty for saying no. You will feel a weight off your shoulders each time you don't feel forced into committing to something you didn't want to do in the first place. It really does get easier the more you do it.

tealady · 30 September 2016 at 6:06AM

Hi
If you don't want to do something but can't say no then I would start by making a list. Divide activities into those you want to drop completely, those you want to cut down and those you are happy with.
For those activities you want to drop then ring/write/email a polite note saying you are bowing out. I usually give the excuse as not having the time.If they push you into staying just repeat you haven't got the time. Don't give any explanations.
If family ring DON'T give them an answer right away, tell them you need to check your diary. If they ask you to visit say you will be in touch when it's convenient.
I used to let the answering machine pick up my calls, then no one could push me into an instant decision.
HTH

Meepmeep · 30 September 2016 at 7:38AM

If it's hard to say no in the moment, come up with a stock phrase like - I need to check ad get back to you - then go away, work out if it's something you want to do. If not, then just text / call to say no. You can practice your reason and be prepared. I found i would agreed more if I made my mind up then and there but would walk away and think - grrrrr why did I agree to that.

It does get easier.

Also try and notice when other people say no, what happens? Are they treated badly? Does the world fall apart? Nope. In fact people probably respect them.

You can change this. It just takes time. It's all about having boundaries.

Why do you feel you have to? Does it feel like people will only have time for you because of what you can do for them? You being you should be enough!

ThemeOne · 30 September 2016 at 8:07AM

Agree with all the above, plus also I suspect your current method of saying yes to everything in fact leaves people fed up with you anyway, because you probably end up having to cut visits short as you've over-committed yourself.

You could always try and shift the responsibility for "no" to someone or something else, so you might have to consult your partner, children, look at your business schedule - might or might not work depending on how well people know your circumstances.

I think starting to say no is the most difficult bit, since at the moment everyone's used to you saying yes, so the first few no's will be a surprise. However, the world won't end - the worst that may happen is these people stop contacting you so much but, from what you've written, that may be no bad thing in some cases.

Amysdad70 · 30 September 2016 at 8:50AM

Saying No is liberating. It really is.

I would disagree with the previous posters though. If when asked you obfuscate and say things like, "let me get back to you", you are just delaying the eventual no and increasing your anxiety.

Just be polite, warm and stick by your no. I am at the stage now where if pressed I just say quite plainly that I don't want to. I have even gone as far as saying on one occasion, "I can make something up if you like".

People are used to you saying yes. You are an easy yes. We all have a choice and are free to exercise it.

SandC · 30 September 2016 at 10:40AM

It definitely gets easier the more you say no. You do not have to give a reason to decline anything! The most you need say is 'No, sorry I can't make that'. No elaboration required, trust me!

I have been a people pleaser and don't get me wrong, I do not just always say no just because something is awkward to me or I don't fancy it - if it's someone I love or care about or in work situations where things are my responsibility then of course I will do things that I don't really want to. It's finding that line that is difficult.

For example, if there's a night out I don't fancy I just say no. If it's a night out I don't fancy but it's a good friend's birthday then I say yes, go along and enjoy it as much as I can. You have to figure out whether this is a reciprocal thing or not and work from there. Baby steps - start with the easy stuff, which I would say are the nights out and activities, then start bringing in the club/charity help and then the family. Just be very apologetic when you say you can't but DO NOT expand or attempt to justify yourself... because you don't need to!

How do you say 'No' to people without feeling guilty?

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