Flo's Debt Free Diary

Florence_J · 27 June 2017 at 10:02AM

Check my signature, my debt is now at £4628.46.

I still have a £30 payment to make to my Tesco Credit Card, so I'm going to see if I can rustle up another £100 this month so that I can get it below the £4500 mark, which would be a lovely achievement.

I still have many more things I think I will list on Gumtree or Facebook as they are all too bulky or big to sell on ebay and then post.

I have my occupational health meeting today and I know everyone will tell me not to worry and that they are there to help me, but I am still nervous.

jvr · 27 June 2017 at 12:36PM

Hi Flo,

Firstly I would relax about the £13 pounds it was a lovely gesture and I am sure we have all been in situations when we generously gave to others when really we need it! Not exactly the worst trait in the world.
Well done on debt totals

Hope today goes well, as you say no point saying not to worry as these things make people anxious who aren't already suffering from anxiety.

Florence_J · 27 June 2017 at 7:03PM

Thanks JVR!

Well it turned out to be a very lovely appointment. I went in petrified and nervous and in full on hide mode, but we had a good chat, me and the occupational health lady, I told her about everything, about how I felt about the job, my social anxiety, my problems in life.

If, and it is still a very big IF at the moment, If I do go back to that role there will be lots of things put in place to make it easier for me.

I am going to have a chilled evening, the OH and I have just watched the wrestling highlights and I may now look at things to sell.

Lucylocks · 27 June 2017 at 7:50PM

Hi Flo

As someone who has suffered with anxiety to varying degrees from late teens to now (just shy of 40) I can totally relate. I paid for private counselling last year which, although didn't make any great revelations, did reinforce some theories for me;

You expect it therefore it will happen. If you think you cannot cope with a situation, like returning to a customer service role, you won't 'allow' yourself to succeed in that. If you anticipate failure that's what you may achieve. Avoiding suitations reinforces your fear.

Celebrate your successes, however small and insignificant they may be and, most importantly acknowledge them. Write them on your phone so when you have a wobble you can look back at a tangible list of what you have accomplished.

Learn to tolerate feelings if discomfort - my anxiety focuses on fear of passing out (this does happen to me too which isn't helpful) so when I feel hot/unwell/cold/stressed I automatically catastrophise what I think is going to happen. I need to learn to tolerate feelings without anticipating full on flip out.

I'm not great at putting any if the above into practice - I'm trying but it's difficult to change a lifetimes way of thinking.

I wish you every luck both in nailing the debt and your anxiety - I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy

Florence_J · 1 July 2017 at 9:14PM

Lucylocks wrote: »

Hi Flo

As someone who has suffered with anxiety to varying degrees from late teens to now (just shy of 40) I can totally relate. I paid for private counselling last year which, although didn't make any great revelations, did reinforce some theories for me;

You expect it therefore it will happen. If you think you cannot cope with a situation, like returning to a customer service role, you won't 'allow' yourself to succeed in that. If you anticipate failure that's what you may achieve. Avoiding suitations reinforces your fear.

Celebrate your successes, however small and insignificant they may be and, most importantly acknowledge them. Write them on your phone so when you have a wobble you can look back at a tangible list of what you have accomplished.

Learn to tolerate feelings if discomfort - my anxiety focuses on fear of passing out (this does happen to me too which isn't helpful) so when I feel hot/unwell/cold/stressed I automatically catastrophise what I think is going to happen. I need to learn to tolerate feelings without anticipating full on flip out.

I'm not great at putting any if the above into practice - I'm trying but it's difficult to change a lifetimes way of thinking.

I wish you every luck both in nailing the debt and your anxiety - I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy

Thank you, you make some really good points.

Florence_J · 1 July 2017 at 9:31PM

On Friday I received a missed call from my line manager at work. I was travelling on a bus home at the time and hate talking on my phone on public transport, so even though I knew it would be important I was near home and waited till I got home to call her back.

I had such a strong emotional reaction to it. I was shaking, my hands were trembling and I was hyperventilating.

Naturally my boss was not horrible and just wanted to see how I was getting on and to check up on me and to see when I would be returning to work if nothing changed (12th July)

I was still in shock after the phone call, perceiving it as a threat, but then I began to feel good, in fact I felt great at that point as I was feeling that what everyone has been saying about 'running away' from the situation were right and if I didn't give the job at least one last chance then I would forever regret it.

Typically I am a bit worked up about it now, but I am trying to ignore that.

On Friday night my OH and I and our friends went to a farewell party for one of our old University drinking haunts as it was soon to close and relocate.

We arrived early and had ample seating at a big long table. As the night went on more and more people arrived and naturally it was then that I began to feel scared and anxious, and although we left at around 11:45pm that felt like we had left early, and we certainly left before our friends. I was just in an utter state of panic and I was so gutted that my stupid broken mind had betrayed me and 'ruined' a lovely night out with our friends and I know I can never look back at yesterday in good spirits.

I am petrified of people.

I am sick of living like this, I am sick of living half a life because of my anxiety and I will literally try anything and everything to find a way to cope and get better.

Today was better but then I only left the house to do a tiny bit of food shopping, which I seem to be able to cope with because I just go to the local shops.

I need to embrace exposure therapy. I need to approach stressful situations but it is so hard, I don't know why it is so hard for me, why I am so afraid of conflict, of people, of making mistakes, why I have this idea that I am the worst person in the world, I give so much kindness and respect to everyone else why can't I give myself a little bit of credit. It is exhausting living with this much hatred and guilt towards myself, why can't I just forgive myself and be nicer to myself? It might actually help.

Aaleigha · 2 July 2017 at 2:31AM

Hi Florence
I am back from holiday, and hpjust wanted to say how much I feel for you with your social anxiety

I am sure you can take a friends with you to such meetings if it would make it easier

I LOVE the idea of donated food cafe

My counsellor also helped me realise I give so much of myself to others I have nothing left in the tank for myself

But she told me I should have at least 30 mins a day to focus on me, some of the things I choose are reading, dog walking, baking (due to slimming world i give it all away, but it fulfils my creative need and my nurturing of others
Another is going through my clothes to put on eBay - and planning my test shop hopefully I will have enough to stock (hand dyed yarn and yarns gifts) to open I am going for mid July,

I think you should write things to go into a treat jar
So bubble bath, coffee and a good book out, get a thermos mug make coffe take a book and go sit in the park and people watch remember if you make eye contact smile at others, take a sketch book rather than something to read, paint your nails plan a romantic meal, see how cheaply you can make it you could have loads of things one of my favourites is put on my favourite radio station and plan to dance to the 3rd next track so totally random
Every time you do something that is difficult for you have a treat pull out a suggestion at random xxx

doingitanyway · 2 July 2017 at 8:21AM

Aaleigha wrote: »

I think you should write things to go into a treat jar
So bubble bath, coffee and a good book out, get a thermos mug make coffe take a book and go sit in the park and people watch remember if you make eye contact smile at others, take a sketch book rather than something to read, paint your nails plan a romantic meal, see how cheaply you can make it you could have loads of things one of my favourites is put on my favourite radio station and plan to dance to the 3rd next track so totally random
Every time you do something that is difficult for you have a treat pull out a suggestion at random xxx

Some lovely ideas. Thanks for sharing

Lucylocks · 2 July 2017 at 8:34AM

It's worth remembering that your boss has to check in with you to make sure you're ok - it might feel they're scrutinising you but they're duty bound to do so.

I know it's easy to say but please don't worry about that.

Have you tried telling people when you begin to feel anxious? A lot of people suffer with it. If you said to a friend that you were feeling anxious - would this help? An opportunity to air your feelings may diffuse your reaction

Florence_J · 2 July 2017 at 11:59AM

Aaleigha wrote: »

Hi Florence
I am back from holiday, and hpjust wanted to say how much I feel for you with your social anxiety

I am sure you can take a friends with you to such meetings if it would make it easier

I LOVE the idea of donated food cafe

My counsellor also helped me realise I give so much of myself to others I have nothing left in the tank for myself

But she told me I should have at least 30 mins a day to focus on me, some of the things I choose are reading, dog walking, baking (due to slimming world i give it all away, but it fulfils my creative need and my nurturing of others
Another is going through my clothes to put on eBay - and planning my test shop hopefully I will have enough to stock (hand dyed yarn and yarns gifts) to open I am going for mid July,

I think you should write things to go into a treat jar
So bubble bath, coffee and a good book out, get a thermos mug make coffe take a book and go sit in the park and people watch remember if you make eye contact smile at others, take a sketch book rather than something to read, paint your nails plan a romantic meal, see how cheaply you can make it you could have loads of things one of my favourites is put on my favourite radio station and plan to dance to the 3rd next track so totally random
Every time you do something that is difficult for you have a treat pull out a suggestion at random xxx

doingitanyway wrote: »

Some lovely ideas. Thanks for sharing

Lucylocks wrote: »

It's worth remembering that your boss has to check in with you to make sure you're ok - it might feel they're scrutinising you but they're duty bound to do so.

I know it's easy to say but please don't worry about that.

Have you tried telling people when you begin to feel anxious? A lot of people suffer with it. If you said to a friend that you were feeling anxious - would this help? An opportunity to air your feelings may diffuse your reaction

Thank you everyone.

I haven't been as honest about my anxiety in the past but am aiming to be totally upfront about it now. The problem is I don't like attention, I don't like people 'feeling sorry for me' and I don't want any special treatment. WHICH IS STUPID, because I need all of those things, I need consideration for my mental health and anxiety. It's not about people feeling sorry for me or treating me specially, it's that I just need to have my needs met.

Flo's Debt Free Diary

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