Should I let him go?

Happier_Me · 18 October 2016 at 5:29PM

Hi OP, the situation you are in is awful but I think, as one poster said, it would be a good idea to try to take back some control here.

Reading this, it sounds like your marriage needs to end... for your sake. You will never be happy in this relationship! You deserve better!

I would take a few days to adjust to the idea and distance yourself. Then tell your husband that there is no future for your marriagw given how he feels and that you need to work our the details of separation and ultimately divorce.

This will be a horrible time ...but it will pay dividends in the end as you will be free to find someone who values and loves you!

barbiedoll · 18 October 2016 at 7:27PM

You say that he had some "ups and downs" before the wedding? Maybe he honestly didn't want to get married but got caught up in the whirlwind of preparations and your excitement.

You also say that things weren't great in the bedroom department. Was it really your hormones or was it just that his heart wasn't in it?

A wise person once told me that "you can't make someone love you" and it is very true, if he doesn't love you, no amount of counselling, tears, or waiting around by you, will change his mind.

I know it's horrid, and I think most of us know just how heartbreaking it is to find out that your relationship is failing but you are young, you will get over this and you will come out of the other side a different, stronger and probably a better person.

You will one day discover that your relationship with him wasn't as good as you told yourself at the time. You'll discover what it feels like to live with someone who truly does love you. And more importantly, you'll realise that making your own decisions, rather than waiting for someone else to make them for you, is the best thing that you ever did.

Cry if you need to, and please confide in your family and friends. It's nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it your fault, although I guess it isn't his either, it's just one of those things. Having said that, you don't need to let him get away with his cowardly and cruel behaviour. Tell him that if he doesn't love you or find you attractive, then he has to leave. Not tomorrow, not next week, but now. Start taking back the reins of your life, then you can start to look towards the future.

Good luck my lovely, and I promise....it won't be this bad forever.

pebbles88 · 18 October 2016 at 8:30PM

Having been in similar position - I wish I'd let him leave the first time we had drama with another woman. I'm so much happier without him, & ,et a lovely man who doesn't play games & is a grown man.

Leave Peter Pan to lurch from his next excitement to the next, you deserve to be happy xxx

Placitasgirl · 18 October 2016 at 10:09PM

I'm so sorry to read about your situation and the treatment you have and are enduring. What you describe is not a marriage; you just have a certificate that says you're married. You sound like a warm, sensible adult who already knows that what's happening in your relationship is wrong and have had some very sound responses on this thread. I agree that you should confide in a friend or family member and wish you all the best with moving on into a new phase of your life where you'll value and respect yourself for the decision you made, and others will too.

piglet74 · 19 October 2016 at 12:48AM

Your question was, should I let him go,
I think the answer is, put him out!

While he may not have physically cheated on you, ( I fear he might have on one of his nights out) he is most certainly emotionally cheating on you.

This will only get worse if you stay.

You don't have kids with this man, so you can break up with him and you never have to see him or contact him ever again.

It might not feel like it today, but if you leave him now, you will look back in a year and thank yourself for ending it.

Good luck with it all xx

BrassicWoman · 19 October 2016 at 7:43AM

piglet74 wrote: »

Your question was, should I let him go,
I think the answer is, put him out!

I agree with this; he's being awful to you, and you are being a doormat.

Some men are just too rubbish to end a relationship so will behave more and more badly until you lose your rag.

Don't. Do it calmly and with dignity. Also start going out and spending time with friends; you don't need to tell them, just reconnect, and see if it changes how you feel about yourself. He's eroding your self confidence, claim some of it back.You can't change his behaviour but you can change your own.

What's your housing situation? Renting, mortgage?

FBaby · 19 October 2016 at 8:09AM

It escalated and ended up in a late night argument and him telling me he wants to love me but just doesn't anymore and isn't attracted to me.

I think when it gets to this point, there isn't much left to hang on to. It sounds like him staying is because he still has affection for you and wants to try (or think he does) but ultimately, you can't force those feelings. The fact that he told you the above twice makes it quite real and I think you need to accept it.

Once love and physical attraction has gone, it is rare to come back, but if it did, a separation is actually what would be most likely to trigger the change, so either way, you are better of letting him go.

Breaking up is one of the hardest things to do, so don't feel that you should go through it all positive and in control. It's ok to fall apart for a while before getting up again and moving on. You will do, we all do.

april101 · 19 October 2016 at 9:22AM

Thanks everyone for your replies.

It kicked off again yesterday evening over two things. Firstly, because I booked him a surprise weekend away for a few months time (this was long before this trouble started - it's been booked for a while). He said I had no regard for him when booking it as I know he has sports he plays at the weekend. Obviously that was very hurtful as I booked it to do something nice for him. Secondly, he wasn't happy that I offered to pick him up from his night out his weekend coming. I honestly don't understand what happened or how he could twist me trying to be nice/helpful into me being malicious and spiteful.

This went on for a while and then towards the end of the argument he was almost laughing at me. Making jokes that weren't funny, asking for my opinion on his hair etc. Very strange when I think about it.

I know how this looks at what your responses will be but just wanted to update you all.

We went to bed not on the best terms, but then he woke up and was totally normal with me. As though we were back to our best. Like a totally different person.

Your support has helped me so much and I confided in my mum and a friend yesterday.

I know what I need to do I just need to give myself some time to adjust and detach myself from him and the relationship.

Thanks again xxx

Person_one · 19 October 2016 at 9:34AM

Some men will just push and push until you are the one to end the relationship so that they can play the 'wronged party' in the aftermath.

I'm sure you can predict what most people's suspicions would be about why he didn't want you to pick him up after his night out.

I don't know about 'time to detach', is that even possible still living together? Is it not better to just get it done if you now know that's what you want/need to do? Rip off the plaster, expose the would then it can start healing properly.

april101 · 19 October 2016 at 9:38AM

Person_one - it's quite hard to not come to any other conclusion really. I don't see any good reason why he wouldn't want picking up other than that.

It's just quite hard to comprehend as before all this there was absolutely no way he would ever cheat, emotionally or physically. It's almost like he's become a different person.

Should I let him go?

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