House guest won't leave.

Thank you all for so many helpful replies. Apologies for not replying earlier, I've just been quite busy with work. I do realise I have been too laid back in this situation so far, and that I really do need to act now. Thank you all for the supportive messages and advice. My concern has always been the welbeing of the child. Clearly my ex had some good points, otherwise I would not have dated her in the start, however, clearly she has lost her way. I have given her plenty of time to pull herself back together and she hasnt. I have let it linger on this long, because time after time, things seemed to be changing for the better, but never quite got there. I am at a point now, where I can't wait any longer. I think some of the replies here have really spelt it out. As much as I think this is helping her and the child, the reality is that I guess I'm just enabling her to not stand on her own two feet, and at the same time, not allowing her to establish some permanent stability for the child. Things have to change now.

Sjc1973 wrote: »

I think all you can do now is have a frank and senisitive converstation with her, in that the current situation can't continue and she needs to find her own accommodation. Take some of the advice on here around giving her written notice so she can go to the council and get accommodation, I agree because she has a child they will help get accommodation and there are presumably no safeguarding concerns so they will not just accommodate the child. Also she has not made herself intentionally homeless this time so they can help her. Yes its going to be difficult but I think you have to remember you have not done anything wrong, you have been more then kind letting her and her son stay as long as they have.

You're right, I think I will sit her down and explain to her everything here, and hopefully she will understand a little, before giving her the letter to leave. Perhaps we can be grown up about this situation, and avoid the nastiness.

pollyannaL wrote: »

i would not turn up at the Council with her or even book an appointment for 'advice' - once the housing team see an emotionally involved 'landlord/ friend' I am sure they would put pressure on you to keep her for a bit longer. Offer to take her there and that is it. Make sure it's first thing on a Monday morning and not a Friday. I would provide a letter the next day stating your side of the story, so they have it for her file. They will defo put her up in B&B accommodation if not a hostel; this could be out of county but it's accommodation at end of day. She may be better going to stay with her step-family. Assuming she has mental capacity and can weigh up risks presented to her - it is her decision!
Not to be rude, but if you haven't anything else to gain from this friendship - I would start the ball rolling sooner than later. The child will want stability at nursery/ school and the earlier the better. Particularly if the kid needs to relocate. You need to withdraw emotionally, for the kid's sake, and look at the overall wellbeing of the child. The situation is just dragging on.
Goodluck

I am realising more and more that I need to withdraw emotionally. I guess I thought I was doing the right thing by the child by allowing them to remain, but the more I read, the more I realise, I'm not helping and instead, allowing this to drag on.

sleepymans wrote: »

Might this woman claim to be in a relationship with you?
Advice might have to be different, if so....
Just a thought

Its possible she may. With her friends, they are all aware that we are not involved, other than her staying at mine, but recently, in her new job, I have heard her describe me as her 'partner', when she was saying she was staying with me. I hope its nothing more than that.

Cakeguts wrote: »

You have to tell her that you want her to leave. She is not going to go by herself. You tell her that she has to leave by a certain date. So she needs to find herself somewhere to live. She can do that by finding a private rental landlord who accepts housing benefit if she is not working or somewhere that she can afford but either way she has 1 week to find something. The local council will have a list of landlords that accept housing benefit.
Do not help her. You have done enough "helping." 9 months is ample helping. She is bone idle and it is time that she started to take responsibility for her actions. You are not her parent or the child's grandparent.
You need to be firm. You can give her a letter explaining the situation that she can take to the council. The council will give her emergency accommodation because they have a duty to house the child. Do not help her at all. You can't help her anyway because actually it is none of your business. You are not in a relationship so what she does is not your business. She is a lodger or house guest and you cannot interfere in her life. You also cannot interfere in the life of her child because you are not related.
When she goes out on the day that she has to leave change the locks. Do not let her back in for any reason. If she leaves anything behind do not let her back in to get it. You can pack it up and put it ready to give to her outside but do not let her back in. Most of all do not feel sorry for her. She is using you.

Thank you, I do realise this needs to change now. I'm hoping it doesn't come to the having to change the locks while she's out, and we can be civil and grown up about this, but if needs must, I will have to.

Rambosmum wrote: »

Ok, from a Social Worker point of view (I am one):
You give her 14 days written notice and advise her to go to the council with this. Assuming she does, she and her child will be placed in temporary accommodation for 28 days - they will not tell her this when she first goes, they will not offer this when she first goes, BUT when those 14 days are up, and you LITERALLY put her on the street, bags and all they will do it.
That 28 days will give them time to conclude whether she is now intentionally homeless (not your problem).
Should there be no temporary accommodation then they will likely put her in a B&B. If that in't possible then they will house the child in foster care, but as soon as mum has somewhere to stay they will give the child back. They will also not restrict access to said child.
What is your relationship with this woman? Is there, or has there been, a romantic or sexual relationship since she moved in? Even once? As this ill impact her rights a bit.

Thank you for the detailed reply, this is very helpful. My relationship is that we dated for 18 months ending about six months before she moved in with me. Initially after she moved in, there was a brief physical relationship, but I put an end to that, as I had moved on from the relationship already, and felt that the physical relationship was just confusing the situation unneccesarily. Since then there has been neither a physical or romantic relationship. How would this affect her rights?

TBagpuss wrote: »

I agree, give her 14 days written notice. Make sure that the letter states, explicitly, that she must leave no later than [date] (maybe 12 noon on 3rd April, which is 2 weeks tomorrow and means that the notice expires on a Monday when the housing office etc will be open) and you you will not, under any circumstances, be able to allow her to remain after that date.
Do not go with her to the housing office or speak to anyone on her behalf, and do not let her talk you in to offering to act as guarantor or to pay moving costs etc.
She may well try to convince you to let her stay, or try to make you feel guilty about telling her to leave. You have been more than generous in letting her stay and in supporting her financially. If she tries to guilt-trip you, remind her that she was only supposed to stay for a few weeks.
She should be provided with some help by the local council, this may well be in a B&B initially, and they won't provide it until she is physically homeless, so it is essential that you give her notice, and stick to it.

Thank you, once again, some very helpful supportive advice. I'm really hopeful that things will be civil and that she will be understanding. I will give her 28 days, purely for the sake of my own conscience, because I will feel I gave her the best chances to help herself, so hopefully she will make the effort to get herself sorted in this time, and things will not get messy afterwards.

Failing which I will have to leave it to the local council to help her. Overall, it is for the best. The atmosphere in the house recently is awful, which I realise is not good for the child.


I'm ready for the fight that will may come, but I can't put this off any more.
I'll post again, once I've given her the letter.
Thank you all. Wish me luck!