Wedding/dealing with mother

onomatopoeia99 · 1 March 2017 at 11:19AM

I don't think wearing a dress that isn't haute couture quite counts as an act of sabotage. You must move in very different financial circles from me, one of my friends married in a dress that came from the high street (Monsoon) and she looked utterly gorgeous in it.

lika_86 · 1 March 2017 at 11:22AM

GlasweJen wrote: »

She's doing everything she can to sabotage my day from wearing a high street dress (her outfits for my sisters weddings were all north of £1K), wearing my bridesmaid colours for her accessories and complaining that the hotel charges for breakfast with the room rate she booked. Between her and my mother in law (who is just a bit mother of the groom-zilla and a control freak and has chilled a bit since we started paying final bills) I'm surprised I've not had a nervous breakdown.

I think you need to take a step back from it all to be honest. How is wearing a high street dress sabotaging your wedding?! Same with wearing the bridesmaid colours as accessories, as the poster above said, she's probably trying to blend with the wedding party, nothing wrong with this. As long as she doesn't turn up in a big white tulle dress then I don't see how what she wears is sabotaging your day in any way.

If she'd had no financial input then you might be right to tell her to just bog off but as it is, a third of your wedding budget has been provided by her and so she probably had an expectation your cousins would be there and even if you didn't want to pay for them, she in a way has.

There's little you can do now if numbers are finalised short of apologising directly to your cousins that they cannot attend the wedding breakfast and ask them to the evening do. Perhaps suggest that at some point you all go out for Sunday lunch or something at a later date instead (you don't have to ever necessarily follow up on this).

suki1964 · 1 March 2017 at 11:31AM

Jen, I think we have the same mother

It's hard, it's so very very hard

I'm 53 now and I still find it hard to stand up to her. DH has finally realised what's she's like so no longer is on my back about my total indifference to her

When we got married, I never even invited her, she just booked a hotel and turned up lololol

You have got to find the strength to say to her, her mess, she sorts it or you will by rescinding the invite

Don't stress about OH, he's probably thinking getting her involved it what should be done because that's what mums do. He will eventually come to have his eyes opened but only in his own time. Seriously the rows me and DH had over mother are unbelievable because he just couldn't believe what I would tell him. His relationship with his mother was wonderful. His first MIL was fantastic, he just never knew mothers came like ours

GlasweJen · 1 March 2017 at 12:05PM

I don't really care what she wears but she is telling everyone that she doesn't feel part of the wedding and that she doesn't like the dress she's chosen and all the rest of it.

She told the family that I had a fight with my younger sister over the wedding when we just had a normal sister chat about it. Even my sister was surprised to hear about this fight we supposedly had.

I've finally got a reply back that she now wants to come over to my house tomorrow (must be serious as she never comes to mine any more) to talk about "the whole wedding". With only days to go there's really nothing to talk about, I can't change anything so close to the wedding. I'm feeling so anxious about this meeting I don't know what to do. I'm considering asking dad or my grandad (her dad) to have a word with her. The whole thing has been a nonsense from start to finish; I literally told her 9 times what we were going with floral - she constantly denied that I'd told her and made the same remark every time "oh paper flowers will look like chip shop scraps". Shes complained that she's not seen my cake, well neither have I as it doesn't exist yet and it exists only in the bakers imagination. She's complained that she isn't included then changes the subject or plays with her phone every time my wedding is mentioned and now that we are down to single figure days to go she wants to change things to suit cousins that no one has spoken to since the last time they turned up to a wedding.

I've texted my other half and told him about the message and said I'm not coping. We're both at work, thankfully I'm on admin this morning but I don't want to deal with her. I have my therapist call at 8 tomorrow, she doesn't know I've been in counselling for a year and I didn't really want her to know.

It's all a mess, I wanted to get married abroad and had the whole thing planned but was put under huge pressure from both sides to have a wedding at home and have had the pressure heaped on me ever since.

I just want to cry.

In terms of keeping in touch, if they do divorce I'd probably

ariba10 · 1 March 2017 at 12:20PM

I am a Male and I hate Wedding receptions. ( With a passion)

heartbreak_star · 1 March 2017 at 12:20PM

I think you've been brilliant so far. If it were me, I'd be screaming in her face that it's MY EFFING WEDDING and withdrawing her invite.

But I do have a bit of a temper...

HBS x

emmatthews · 1 March 2017 at 12:32PM

Tell her not to come over as there is nothing to discuss. Everything is finalised, no changes can be made and you just want to relax for a couple of days before the day itself.

I hope you have a fantastic day.

Pollycat · 1 March 2017 at 12:38PM

Glaswejen
What have you decided to do about the extra guests?

Unless you need to discuss this with your Mother i.e. is she going to pay for their food? I'd do as emmatthews suggests and tell her there is nothing to discuss, you are busy tomorrow anyway and you'll see her on the day of the wedding.

You really have to put on your big girl pants and stop this right now - before it ruins your special day and makes you ill.

Failing that, give me and heartbreak_star your address and we'll come over and put her straight.
And trust me, it won't be pretty - but she will get the message.

Mojisola · 1 March 2017 at 12:48PM

Pollycat wrote: »

You really have to put on your big girl pants and stop this right now - before it ruins your special day and makes you ill.

And the same with your OH - he knows the problems you have with your mother - what possessed him to pressurise you into involving her with the seating plan at this late stage?

silvercar · 1 March 2017 at 12:58PM

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

You are paying, your wedding, end of. Facebook message the cousins, tell them you only had one address, don't know why they didn;'t receive the invite but there is no room. Going forward either build a relationship with them directly or forget them. You certainly don't need a relationship that is only through your mum.

If Mum wants to pay then tell her you need the money within 24 hours or its not happening, but personally I wouldn't go down this road. Really you don't want her using her paying towards the wedding as a weapon in the future.

And tell your OH that he needs this to be a lesson!

congratulations on your wedding.

Wedding/dealing with mother

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