Parent doesnt want son to get a job

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Bath_cube
Bath_cube Posts: 188 Forumite
in Marriage, relationships & families
My brother who is 7 years younger than myself (31) has been claiming ESA since November 2012 after losing his job and being diagnosed with severe depression. The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment. He has always worked in office roles, his last job was a costs adjustor for a personal injury solicitors at a large firm. However our dad who is now 65 and working part time doesnt want my brother to return to paid work and just do voluntary positions whilst claiming esa. our mum died some years ago and I'm told my dad doesnt want my brother to meet anyone or leave home in case he is left alone and needs care, he has made it clear he won't go into care if he becomes Ill and expects my brother to be his carer. He thinks that my brother will be OK doing this as he is leaving him the house and all his savings. He doesnt want my brother to be financially independent so he can leave the family home and get his own place. When not at work my dad wants to go everywhere with him and doesn't like the idea of him meeting anyone. To be honest he had a problem with me leaving home at 22 and buying a property with my then partner. I went to a university that was less than a mile away from the family home so I didn't have to stay in accommodation. When myself and my husband moved from Sheffield to suffolk he called me selfish and didn't talk to me for a few years and told my brother and mum to do likewise. What is the best way around this?. Have any other members had suffocating parent/s and if so how did they cope?.
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  • comeandgo
    comeandgo Posts: 5,744 Forumite
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    Are you blue girl by any chance? You have a similar posting style to her. She also took great interest in other people's lives.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    Your poor brother, no surprise he is stuck in a cycle of depression.

    If it was my brother, i would do everything to help them gain their independence back. How selfish of your father to consider that your brother owe him to look after him. Children don't owe their parents to care for them.

    Parents should be happy and proud that they have raised independent and happy children, not feel satisfaction that they are meeting their needs even if it lead them to unhappiness.

    Unfortunately, this attitude often comes with manipulating skills and an amazing ability to make victims guilty, so you might have a hard job in front of you to make your brother see that it would be ok for him to move out and get on with his own life.
  • meer53
    meer53 Posts: 10,217 Forumite
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    What does your brother want to do ?
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,685 Forumite
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    Bath_cube wrote: »
    My brother who is 7 years younger than myself (31) has been claiming ESA since November 2012 after losing his job and being diagnosed with severe depression. The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment. He has always worked in office roles, his last job was a costs adjustor for a personal injury solicitors at a large firm. However our dad who is now 65 and working part time doesnt want my brother to return to paid work and just do voluntary positions whilst claiming esa. our mum died some years ago and I'm told my dad doesnt want my brother to meet anyone or leave home in case he is left alone and needs care, he has made it clear he won't go into care if he becomes Ill and expects my brother to be his carer. He thinks that my brother will be OK doing this as he is leaving him the house and all his savings. He doesnt want my brother to be financially independent so he can leave the family home and get his own place. When not at work my dad wants to go everywhere with him and doesn't like the idea of him meeting anyone. To be honest he had a problem with me leaving home at 22 and buying a property with my then partner. I went to a university that was less than a mile away from the family home so I didn't have to stay in accommodation. When myself and my husband moved from Sheffield to suffolk he called me selfish and didn't talk to me for a few years and told my brother and mum to do likewise. What is the best way around this?. Have any other members had suffocating parent/s and if so how did they cope?.
    Where is your information about this situation coming from?
    Your Dad?
    Your brother?
    Your own knowledge?

    Re this bit:
    Bath_cube wrote: »
    My brother who is 7 years younger than myself (31) has been claiming ESA since November 2012 after losing his job and being diagnosed with severe depression. The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment.
    I've no knowledge of this benefit but from what you've posted wasn't your brother's 4 years on ESA up last November?
    What help is he getting from the leader of his support group with taking those steps to finding employment?
    Does your brother want to return to work?
  • Robisere
    Robisere Posts: 3,237 Forumite
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    What a difficult situation for you and your brother. Usually it's a mother who cannot cut the "apron strings".

    I would suggest that you try to take your brother out for a day, or if dad won't accept that, a couple of hours. You will have to be diplomatic and take care with your words, but try to discover what your brother wants.

    Failing that, he could be classed as vulnerable. If you can see your GP or some other medical person, try to discover if there are any grounds for helping him become more independent of dad, who is the obvious stumbling block here. Seems from your story, that dad is the 'know it all' who is the only one (in his opinion) who knows what is "best" for your brother.

    I wish you luck, what a burden. But you do appear to have your brother's best interests at heart. I hope you find what those best interests actually are.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
  • IAmWales
    IAmWales Posts: 2,024 Forumite
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    The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment.

    This is nonsense.

    Do you mean he is in the work related activity group and is seeing a work coach? If so, they can be required to take part in work related activity, but they cannot be forced into work.

    If he is in the support group (for ESA, not a support group) then he is not required to do any WRA or to attend the Jobcentre.

    The only thing that matters here is what your brother wants. Sadly he is the one person that has not been asked.
  • KxMx
    KxMx Posts: 10,605 Forumite
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    Is your brother in the WRAG or Support Group of ESA?

    What exactly is this "support group"?

    I claim ESA and that's never something I have heard of.

    You only stop getting ESA if you are found Fit For Work following a Work Capability Assesment.
  • seashore22
    seashore22 Posts: 1,443 Forumite
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    comeandgo wrote: »
    Are you blue girl by any chance? You have a similar posting style to her. She also took great interest in other people's lives.

    bluelass by any chance?
  • comeandgo
    comeandgo Posts: 5,744 Forumite
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    Yup seashore, that's the one.
  • Cupcake_Returns
    Cupcake_Returns Posts: 88 Forumite
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    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5366034&highlight=

    After reading bath cubes and bluelass threads ( omg they are so funny ) I'd say yes, one and the same person
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