Unreasonable to ask for more child support?

13

Comments

  • I think the fair way would be look at what your daughter costs are - child care, food, clothes, medical treatments etc. personally I think the maintenance should cover 50% of that.
  • martinsurrey
    martinsurrey Posts: 3,368 Forumite
    pmlindyloo wrote: »
    In theory, the father is having none of the difficulties making ends meet, attending hospital appointments, juggling work and child care.
    He wants some of this, but OP is stopping him having time with his child
    pmlindyloo wrote: »
    It takes two to make a child and with that goes the responsibility of raising that child. Your ex has the financial means to do so and I can see no reason why he shouldn't shoulder that responsibility. Not every father is in the financial position to do so but he is.

    Again, the responsibility is not just financial, the father seems to want to take PROPER responsibility for his child, but OP seems to want total control of every aspect.
    pmlindyloo wrote: »
    Having said that he should also be allowed to see his child as much as possible so I do think you need to make sure that this happens even if it means your accompanying your child on holidays abroad.

    Why does it have to be thought as a holiday! OP works full time, this father probably works less than her, why could it not be joint custody? nothing stopping the father learning the medical records and care needs.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,493
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    It's natural but I think you're letting your anxieties over her health cloud your judgement. You've convinced yourself that only you can cope with her condition and don't want to lose control.


    There's been a lot in the press lately about women (and it almost always is women) expecting meal tickets from previous partners. The general feeling is that this will come to an end. And rightly so IMO. In this case you've not even contributed to his wealth as it was just a brief relationship.


    I appreciate that you're worried about your DD's health problems but as you can continue with a full time job she can obviously be cared for by someone else on a daily basis.


    It's a shame it could go to court as lots of money will be wasted on legal fees. I'd have thought (hoped even) that doctors could give an independent judgement to the courts whether or not your DD was fit enough to travel and stay away from home every month. It sounds like her dad could afford any amount of care even a nanny/nurse when she's with him.Have you asked your own doctors for their professional view?


    I believe you're asking the questions because you're uncomfortable contemplating this. Your gut reaction is right.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,551
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    maman wrote: »
    It's a shame it could go to court as lots of money will be wasted on legal fees.

    Not only that - if the OP totally refuses to allow the father to share care, he could decide to ask the court to make him the parent with care or at least have 50/50 care.

    He's got plenty of money to provide care and private health cover, a home in the sun (the climate could be better for her health) and has shown a strong commitment to his child.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367
    First Anniversary First Post Combo Breaker
    Forumite
    We are admitted to hospital at least once a month. Due to this, I have said she is not allowed to go to his house abroad because I do not want her to get sick and be that far away from me or in a foreign hospitals with doctors that may not know or understand her health conditions. He is not happy with this as he wants her to stay with him every month for a week, as I have refused I am now facing legal action.
    There seem to be a misunderstanding here in relation to her risk for medical care and anxiety. I do understand your stress at the idea of being separated from your baby especially if she were to have to admitted to hospital. At the same time, it is right that he should be able to have time with her on his own and himself gain confidence is being able to look after her, including if she was to go to hospital.

    Could a compromise not be reached? Firstly, which country are we talking about? France (so next door), USA, or Zimbabwe? Could her current doctor not get in touch with a doctor in your ex's town in case she does have to be admitted? And indeed, could you consider going there with her, but staying a a hotel near by, making the best of your child free time, whilst being reassured you are nearby. Of course, that couldn't be too regularly since you are working FT.

    Maybe you could agree to try it once, maybe not a week, but 3 or 4 days (depending on where abroad is) but not commiting to any further visits until you both see how it goes?

    You mention him coming to see her for days when he is here. Does he only visit them or does he have her overnight? Does he have a place of his own or does he stay in hotels? Surely the first stage would be him having her for a few days in your town?
  • TBagpuss
    TBagpuss Posts: 11,198
    First Post First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Forumite
    I agree with earlier posters suggesting that you try to think of ways in which it would be possible to address your concerns and your daughter's needs.

    Depending on the practicalities, and precisely where he lives, and so on, this might include :

    - Thinking about whether it would be feasible for him to rent accommodation in a town/city closer to a good hospital, for the periods that your daughter visits him (at least initially)

    - asking whether he would be willing to arrange for her medical records (or a concise summary of them) to be translated into the local language.

    - consider whether an initial visit, where you could travel with your daughter and stay locally, would be feasible

    - Consider whether it would be possible for her father to spend time in the UK with her staying with him, so that you and he both get used to him caring for her and her being away from you over night and for longer periods, before moving on to longer visits.

    - think about the practicalities of any medical issues, and how these might be addressed, particularly if money is not a major concern. Is there any specific equipment or support which would make you feel safer? (either that could be kept at his home or even, perhaps, that could be donated to the local hosptial!)

    -Obviously specifics would depend on the exact situation, but it might be worth seeing whether you and your ex could meet with your daughter's doctor together, and talk about what specific issues and steps there are - for instance, whether there is any medical equipment your ex could have at the house, whether having a trained nurse travel with your daughter would be useful, whether there is any specific training your ex could do so he is better equipped to recognise early warning signs of any issues, and so on. (Also, if what the doctor says is "she really needs to be not more that xx minutes from a major hospital" then that may well be something your ex will find easier to accept from the doctor than from you, and equally, if the doctors say "well, if you could do x, y and z then it should be OK, then you may find that allows you to consider the proposals.


    On the financial side, it's reasonable for your solicitor to have brought the possibility to your attention.

    Do try to keep the two things separate. That said, if one consideration is that you can't currently get onto the housing ladder, you could consider asking you ex if he would be willing to assist, for instance, would he be willing to stand as guarantor so you could get a mortgage and give your daughter more stability?

    given the amounts he is currently paying, and bearing in mind that it is perfectly reasonable to use maintenance for general expenses, you could start putting money away as savings to put down a deposit on a house, rather than putting it all into savings in your daughter's name. I presume that it is lack of deposit that stops you buying?
    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
  • surveyqueenuk
    surveyqueenuk Posts: 673 Forumite
    edited 26 May 2017 at 2:44PM
    topaz94 wrote: »
    ...he has been paying me £1200 a month which is a lot of money and helps a lot and the leftover after childcare goes in to savings for emergencies and my daughters future.

    Currently im spending £500 a month on childcare and over £900 on rent (which is all my salary gone) with additional money I could hopefully get on to the property ladder, create savings for my daughter to get through uni and just afford a better life for her.

    So first, you say that your CM is more than enough for childcare, with the remaining £700 p.m. going into savings for your daughter's future. THEN, you go on to say that with additional CM, you could "create savings" for your daughter. And why do you say that after childcare and rent, your salary is gone? You initially told us that your CM pays for childcare.

    You don't half sound greedy. Your ex's only obligation is to his daughter, not you, and he appears to be fulfilling this very well.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,077
    Photogenic Name Dropper First Post
    Community Admin
    I think if your going to ask for more money on top of having battles about holiday arrangements, your just asking for trouble.

    Also, just because your entitled to more money, it doesnt mean you have to take it.
  • sheramber
    sheramber Posts: 18,869
    First Anniversary I've been Money Tipped! First Post Name Dropper
    Forumite
    Can you not get a copy of your child's medical needs to take abroad, in case they were needed.
  • Marvel1
    Marvel1 Posts: 7,157
    Name Dropper First Post First Anniversary
    Forumite
    Could you rent somewhere cheaper?
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.5K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.9K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.6K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 607.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.8K Life & Family
  • 247.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards