Marriage Issues/Advice

TheGame21 · 8 December 2017 at 3:38PM

Hi all,

I just wanted to get people's opinions on some things when you are married to understand how you deal with these issues. I have been married to my wife for just over 7 years and we have had alot of up and downs (more downs than ups). We have one young child of toddler age. I have quite a demanding job and she also works part time.

My question is how you deal with jobs to be done in your marriage? e.g paperwork, house chores, jobs. Do you do them on a certain day, evening etc? I ask because I believe my wife is being unreasonable with her approach to such tasks. She has a massive list which contains all jobs which need to be done and also what is occuring on different dates e.g birthdays. I am of the opinion that non important tasks can wait until the weekend and not in the evenings when you've had a long day at work. However my wife is determined to ensure jobs are done every day and then also monitors jobs such as when I am writing my own Xmas cards and other jobs related to me. Does everyone do this or do you just leave it to your partner on their responsibilities and only concentrate on joint ones?

We have been through marriage counselling where her controlling nature has been identified however no progress has been made. I am feeling really unhappy at a number of things however just wanted to see how everyone else approached such issues.

Thanks

enjoyyourshoes · 8 December 2017 at 3:46PM

Wow !

Being that prescriptive on what jobs need to be done on what date is unrealistic.

I would do more counselling and get her to see if she can see the consequences of her actions.

copperclock · 8 December 2017 at 4:10PM

Is she expecting her 'massive list' to be completed in one day, or is she just writing down all the jobs as she thinks of them?

Do you think you do your fair share of household tasks? Do you do your share of the 'mental work', such as knowing what's coming up on your family's calendar, what new clothes your toddler needs, how close you are to running out of loo roll, etc. etc.?

Do you both have the same idea of how the house should be 'left' when you go to bed? (I like to leave the living room tidy, for example, so it's nice to come into the next day).

When you say she 'monitors jobs' like the Christmas card writing, what do you mean by that? Is she standing over you? Is she insisting you do it before everything else? Or is she reminding you frequently? What happens when she reminds you to do something?

Do you differ in how you feel weekends should be spent? Do you ever relax together, or is she always doing jobs?

To answer your specific question, I don't have paid employment, so I do more around the house than my husband. However, when he is home he mucks in with anything and everything that needs to be done. Basically, if one of us is doing tasks around the house/with the children, then the other one is too, and when things are more or less done we relax together.

I do have to do the majority of the mental work and the admin involved in running our family, but if I ask my husband to take on a task (phoning the credit card, for example) I expect him to just do it the next time it's feasible.

Timpu · 8 December 2017 at 5:09PM

TheGame21 wrote: »

Does everyone do this or do you just leave it to your partner on their responsibilities and only concentrate on joint ones?

We each do what we're capable of and leave it at that. If stuff doesn't get done it can't be important enough to stress over.

hazyjo · 8 December 2017 at 5:28PM

See what you can simplify. When you say paperwork, do you mean you're writing cheques for bills, etc? Set them up as direct debits if so and budget accordingly.

I work full time (out the house for 12 hours a day) and my OH doesn't, but he does absolutely everything at home (including making my lunches and acting as my secretary, reminding me of anything that needs doing. He also keeps track of the bank accounts - something which I wouldn't have a clue about. I can't think of anything I do actually. Maybe sometimes hang my clothes in the wardrobe that he's ironed, or put my pillowcases on as I know which pillows they go on.

I know he does like to do things on set days. When I used to do it all myself, I really just did things as and when! I'd be cleaning the sink at midnight if I fancied it. My OH is very regimented though (he finds that helps with his bipolar disorder). He does nag me saying 'have you done X yet'. Without him nagging, I would put it off and stress so I know he's right to nag me.

Basically - NOBODY'S ROUTINE IS RIGHT! You have to find a happy medium. If you can't find that, it will always be an issue. You don't have to have the same mentality re these things, you just have to work out who does what best.

Janey3 · 8 December 2017 at 5:34PM

We don't do lists of jobs to be done here, we just know what's to be done. We both fill one calendar which is on kitchen wall with birthdays, appointments etc. I write all of our Xmas cards, and have done for the past 30 years. OH is responsible for all outside work and he knows if he misses bin collection day, it will mean a trip to the tip for him! We give gentle reminders to each other sometimes but we know what wants doing. Think mayb your OH needs to relax a bit more.

z1a · 8 December 2017 at 6:37PM

Grow a pair.

TheGame21 · 11 December 2017 at 2:04PM

z1a wrote: »

Grow a pair.

Such a great response. Not!

PeacefulWaters · 11 December 2017 at 2:40PM

TheGame21 wrote: »

Such a great response. Not!

Maybe reading about how to be assertive would help.

caprikid1 · 11 December 2017 at 2:43PM

I used to tell my Ex, they are on the todo list they will get done !! There is no need to Nag me every 6 months about them.

z1a · 11 December 2017 at 7:28PM

TheGame21 wrote: »

Such a great response. Not!

Well don't then, keep on being a doormat.

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