Moving house after a severe trauma, options & costs

movingon29 wrote: »

I don't want to put too much detail here about what happened but the jist of it is that I feel the need to move home after a severe trauma happened there. I no longer feel I can stay, I have tried and simply panic, I'm in therapy at the moment and the majority of the time I am back with my parents, but need my independence.

Obviously it depends on the nature of the event, but have you considered (and perhaps discussed with your therapist) how you might feel about things in the future? It is understandable not to want to be in a place where you have suffered a severe trauma, but sometimes (depending on the circumstances) the actions we take in response to a trauma can later become part of the trauma itself.

Let me explain in a more neutral way. A friend moved in with a boyfriend in a house they purchased together and did up. They got married and had children. The relationship went badly wrong, they got divorced, the neighbours were friends with the ex-husband and made life even more difficult for my friend. She was so distressed by the situation that she was ready to hand the keys to the mortgage company and walk away. The house now held many bad memories, was financially contributing to her problems, and the neighbours made life hell on a daily basis. I persuaded her to stay because levaing would have a serious financial impact on her and remove the one thing which offered her and the children security and a kind of stability.

With hindsight she is so glad she stayed - even though the neighbours are still ****holes. For her one of the most important factors is that leaving the house would have made her situation worse and the loss of the home would have compounded an already bad situation. It would have added another thing to regret and be angry about to the long list she had.

There are some kind of traumas where you know that nothing will ever change the way you feel about something, in that case the decision becomes almost obvious. But try and take a step back and think how you might feel in a couple of years if - while still suffering - you made a decision which in hindsight has made your situation worse. Having a home is one of the most important things there is for our emotional stability - if you haven't already then perhaps you'd benefit from talking to someone about how you might feel in future if you go ahead and sell with financial consequences and some loss of your independence.

If you need more time to think about it, perhaps you could consider renting the flat out and using the income to rent elsewhere? That may not be an ideal situation, but it could give you some space and time to think.

I hope whatever you decide it works out well for you, and you are able to return to a happy and settled life

I am surprised that you want to move to the same type of flat in the same development, Surely it would still be a reminder? I think you are stronger than you realise if you are considering this, as most people would want to move away from the area that it happened.


To save you money is there anything you could do to make your flat look different or change the atmosphere in it. It is going to be a big expense to move not far away in an identical looking flat which may not change your way of thinking.


However, if a person was involved in the trauma who is still living nearby then yes I would want to move.


Hope you find peace what ever you decide

Hi OP

I had a shared ownership home I sold during a period of ill health as I didn't feel strong enough to stay there and there was a bad neighbour who shot someone outside my home (in a very nice area) which made me feel like I lost control over my home.

4 years later, I do wonder if I should have kept it still.... as a shared owner I couldn't sub let (similar to you in help to buy i imagine) but once I felt stronger, a good year to 18 months after leaving, I did wonder if I should have kept it.

I would talk to your therapist about it.

I think you may lose out financially, and as HTB is only available on new builds, I don't think even in your circumstances you will be able to buy a new home in the same estate unless, it is, new. I do agree that the only minor difference, will likely not be as much of a help as you think to helping you move on, and instead time, and renovations, may help you disassociate the event with the apartment. However, don't let losing money hold you back if you really feel that home isn't making you well and won't give you joy in the future. No amount of money is worth your health and sanity.

If you are still recovering from the trauma, you may not be able to make a balanced decision right now, if you have the financial ability to take the time to give yourself time to think, make sure you don't push yourself to make a decision now you are not ready for.

I have actually stayed at home for 4 years following my illness, and saved money instead, after everything that happened to me when I sold my house. At first it felt like a lost of independence, then I adjusted, and decided to make the most of the experience (travelling and further education). I have focused on living life in other ways.

I have saved knowing I have a nest egg waiting for me when I am waiting to go back on the property ladder.

The travel and education I have treated myself to have been fundamentally the most important things in getting myself better, and perhaps maybe now isn't the right time for you to live alone again, but a time to surround yourself with the love and support of your family and do something to make you feel good about yourself and life again.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, but hopefully you get my point

Take care of yourself first, try not to make decisions until you know you are in the right mind frame to and make sure when you make the decision, you do whats right for you. You can always make more money, but you cannot make another you

Hugs and I hope you get stronger and better soon.

If you go for the same design and orientation, you could well wake up one morning and think you are back where you started from, though redecorated, so it's probably best to spend on making over the current one.

I know you say you want to stay in the same development, but it sounds like logistically it's going to be very difficult to organise.
You'd be better off selling up and starting again in a new neighbourhood - is there no where else you would consider moving? Or would selling and then renting be an option?