My in laws are snobs...

flippin36 · 11 October 2017 at 9:44AM

..and it's starting to get under my skin.

We are a professional couple with 2 children, we have a good income and live in a nice house in a nice street in a good catchment area. However, I have been raised to be frugal and I believe my frugality has given us a secure nest egg for the future and my children's future. We are not tightwads and when we have plenty of money saved up we will splurge on nice things like a luxury holiday or a new car etc.

My in laws on the other hand mock and criticize us to the point that I cannot have them in my house anymore and really don't enjoy their company. It isn't gentle teasing (I don't mind that) it is actually derisory mocking and snobbery, looking down on us for our choices. Here are a few examples of things they have mocked me for;
#making my own wedding dress and having the reception in the village hall - we did our own catering

#accepting second hand baby clothes and pram/cot

#furnishing my house with second hand mismatch furniture

#using washable nappies/own brand disposables

#cutting each other's hair

#buying value/basic brand food (only a few items I think are ok)

#buying my daughter's christening dress from a supermarket (blue velvet dress)

#not having a tv

#I shop in charity shops/love freecycle

#running our old cars into the ground/sharing 1 car

#Asking to just exchange cards for Christmas to keep cost down (he has a HUGE family where even extended family buy each gifts. We ended up just exchanging tins of biscuits which seemed silly)

They basically look down on us as though we are riffraff and although I try and ignore it but its got to the stage where I am finding it incredibly hurtful and I feel under pressure. MIL recently told DH that he had changed since he met me and I had ruined his life

. When I asked her why she had said that she said "Its the way you live your lives and the influence you have on him. He used to have very high standards".

So wise people of MSE - how do I handle my in laws? Is my frugality that bad? Anyone else had a similar response to their frugal nature?

Thank you in advance x

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jk0 · 11 October 2017 at 9:48AM

I think it's the spendthrifts and flashy present buyers who are to be looked down on, isn't it? Rise above it IIWY, and have a little internal chuckle when such things are said.

[Deleted User] · 11 October 2017 at 10:18AM

It's like being the only sighted person in a country of blindness isn't it lovey? You are leading from the front in terms of enlightenment, you are living a sensible and economical lifestyle which is your CHOICE, not something forced on you by circumstances and because you have the courage and tenacity to be 'different' to the herd they don't know how to handle or categorise you in todays 'skewed' society. It sounds a very comfy and sensible lifestyle to me, you do all the same things we do (except we do have a TV) and I too love a good old rummage in charity shops/boot fairs/jumble sales as you never know where 'treasure' lies. Having said that my treasures are not many folks treasures and tend to be of a practical nature like the big old water cistern with a tap that was made to go on an old fashioned coal range in 't olden days' or the pair of half circle saucepans which fit on my wood burner and make hot drinks for free when it's lit. My in laws also didn't understand the whys of how we chose to live, used to 'explain' me to their family and acquaintance so I got used to being looked at like a two headed giraffe and always 'wrong' in their eyes BUT the problem was theirs NOT ours and we stayed true to our own vision and still do to this day, happy as we are, accepted as 'eccentric but OK' by the village we live in because they're used us by now, and because they know us we get all the surplus wood etc. for the stove, all the old windfall apples because we make cider and offers of useful things that are no longer needed (a wheel hoe being one) before they get taken to the tip. We even got a whole garden shed for kindling once and the old decking and two huge but broken tables from the local pub, kept us in wood for years! Rise above it pet, you know in your heart that your lifestyle is right for you, stay true to your vision, stay true to your values and pity the in laws for their 'closed minds' when they ridicule and criticise, it's only words and words only power over you IF you listen to them. Good luck, enjoy the 'good life' to the full and go forward in your lives with pride! xxx.

Austin_Allegro · 11 October 2017 at 10:30AM

Your frugality does not sound too bad to me. In fact, it seems a normal, sensible way to live and it is pretty much how most people lived until the rise of cheap credit from the 1980s onwards.

Your in-laws sound rather insecure, trying to feel better about themselves socially by spending money (I bet they are in lots of debt as well). Yet, a lot of titled, old money aristocrats live the way you do (albeit on a larger scale). Prince Charles regularly appears wearing patched suits and mended shoes, and wears his grandfather's overcoat from the 1940s! So if they look down on you socially, it's just plain silly - the type of thing jumped up lower middle class people like Hyacinth Bouquet would do.

Personally I would say it's not worth getting upset about, stick to your guns, grit your teeth and be polite. Make sure the in-laws are aware of it when you spend some of your savings on something nice for your family!

NineDeuce · 11 October 2017 at 10:33AM

I would tell them straight. Sod off.

Out,_Vile_Jelly · 11 October 2017 at 10:36AM

I'm afraid they just may be genuinely awful people. Telling their son that you have ruined his life is appalling behaviour. If they weren't criticising you for frugal living, they'd find something else to pick fault with.

You may just have to grit your teeth and maintain a veneer of civility at a minimum number of family gatherings. Does your partner agree that their attitudes are unacceptable?

Mojisola · 11 October 2017 at 10:47AM

flippin36 wrote: »

We are a professional couple with 2 children, we have a good income and live in a nice house in a nice street in a good catchment area.

My in laws on the other hand mock and criticize us to the point that I cannot have them in my house anymore and really don't enjoy their company. It isn't gentle teasing (I don't mind that) it is actually derisory mocking and snobbery, looking down on us for our choices.

They basically look down on us as though we are riffraff and although I try and ignore it but its got to the stage where I am finding it incredibly hurtful and I feel under pressure.

MIL recently told DH that he had changed since he met me and I had ruined his life . When I asked her why she had said that she said "Its the way you live your lives and the influence you have on him. He used to have very high standards".

What does your DH think about his parents' comments and their attitudes to your (presumably joint) life choices?

I would have as little contact as possible with people who treated me like this.

flippin36 · 11 October 2017 at 10:53AM

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I'm afraid they just may be genuinely awful people. Telling their son that you have ruined his life is appalling behaviour. If they weren't criticising you for frugal living, they'd find something else to pick fault with.

You may just have to grit your teeth and maintain a veneer of civility at a minimum number of family gatherings. Does your partner agree that their attitudes are unacceptable?

Thank you. He thinks they are projecting their own insecurities. We have toyed with the idea that his mother has NPD as she has ridiculously high standards that even she cannot live up to - so she sometimes comes across as a hypocrite. Appearances are hugely important to her and I get the impression she is terrified that we are going to show her up in some way.

I once replied to an ad on freecycle where someone was giving away shrubs that she was clearing from her garden. When I turned up to collect it the lady knew my MIL from church. We had a nice chat and I thanked her profusely for the shrubs. When I mentioned it to MIL she was furious with me because I looked like a beggar....:eek:. They lady was just pleased to be giving something away to a good home.

moneyistooshorttomention · 11 October 2017 at 11:24AM

I'd ignore them in your position - in one ear and out the other.

As professional people - then it may be you've not finished climbing the career ladder with assorted promotions yet and, meanwhile, you're just doing what seems sensible of economising to make sure you're financially secure. Makes sense to me.

Mojisola · 11 October 2017 at 11:24AM

flippin36 wrote: »

My in laws on the other hand mock and criticize us to the point that I cannot have them in my house anymore and really don't enjoy their company.

They basically look down on us as though we are riffraff and although I try and ignore it but its got to the stage where I am finding it incredibly hurtful and I feel under pressure.

One method that can work is to clearly tell the in-laws that the two of you don't like the comments they make and want them to stop.

If you are with them and they make a hurtful comment, call them out on it (may be better if your husband does this) and ask them to stop, if another comment is made, get up and leave.

They are grown-ups and can control what they say - if they want to spend time with you and your family, they will learn to keep the conversation polite and uncritical.

Owain_Moneysaver · 11 October 2017 at 11:51AM

flippin36 wrote: »

#buying value/basic brand food (only a few items I think are ok)

We ended up just exchanging tins of biscuits which seemed silly

If you give Value biscuits, but get back Harrods', that seems like an advantageous gift-giving arrangement to me.

The following year you can put the Value biscuits in the Harrods' tin and give it back. :cool:

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My in laws are snobs...

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