Commitment phobes

Primrose wrote: »

It does sound as if he wanted to have his cake and eat it up to a certain point, at which stage something happened, even possibly something quite trivial in many peoples' eyes which bought it home to him that if he moved your relationship any further forward something radical in his well ordered single life would have to change.

And rather than have the courage to discuss this honestly and openly he took the coward!s way out because he doesn't have the interpersonal skills to handle difficult communications in a relationship. So he cut off and shut down.

I suppose the first time ought to have been a warning but you were not to know. The benefit of hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it and being told to move on is all very well but not so easy to do until you're really able to get your head round the reason why. Mysteries are like drying scabs waiting to be scratched again.

Perhaps you just have to try and understand that when he was comparing his single life compared with with his life with you in it, if he had to give them both a score out of ten in terms of which was the one he could best cope with, his single life gave him "Enough". It wasn't perfect and it was lonely at time perhaps but it was the one he could best cope with knowing his inadequcies at being able to adapt his behaviour to co-existing with another person.

If I remember rightly he has already had one failed marriage and that had probably left him permanently scarred emotionally. He has not had sufficient lengthy relationships since then to practice learning any new coping and adapting behaviours and when your relationship starting to get to a point where things were getting a little more serious all his old doubts probably started returning.

He may still be missing your company despite the break up but I suspect he will not risk exposing his inability to cope with the commitment of another serious relationship again. He will dip in and out again perhaps, temporarily enthuse and give false security to somebody else but will be unable to commit because the demands are just to scary in case things go wrong. So , no real answers for you unfortunately apart from bad luck in ending up with somebody who just couldn't,t cope with the demands that a serious relationship makes on individuals.

Primrose wrote: »

That's probably true too. The core issue is that we all have things going around in our heads when we start a new relationship. Most people do the sensible thing and talk their doubts or issues through with the other person involved and find a way of dealing with them. Compromises are often possible to work out.

He couldn't even get theough that that Stage 1 of the process and if truth be known he probably uses that avoidance tactic in other areas of his life too, only dealing with the things he want to and avoiding the difficult stuff. Sooner or later though he will come across other issues that he simoly HAS to face up to and deal with, and because he has so little experience and previous skill in coping with them he will really struggle.

Nine of us like dealing with this hard stuff but when we look back we realise we have learnt something from it along the way which stands us in a better place for the future.

I hope you are gradually healing. Be patient with yourself. It does take time.

Primrose wrote: »

Are you in a location or situation where your paths are likely to cross again?
Obviously if you're not it will be better but if this is likely to be a possibility you may want to give a few moments thought on how you will deal with it.

It will undoubtedly be either uncomfortable or embarrassing for a few moments but if you've pre-rehearsed this in your mind to give you the best advantage to make you feel in charge of the situation, it would be good for you .