How do you say 'No' to people without feeling guilty?

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  • tealady
    tealady Posts: 3,742
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    Hi if people are giving you the silent treatment because you said no then I feel this is a form of bullying. If they tried this with me I would drop them PDQ
    Find out who you are and do that on purpose (thanks to Owain Wyn Jones quoting Dolly Parton)
  • ThemeOne
    ThemeOne Posts: 1,471
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    Asking you to do something (I assume for free) each weekend until end of March is a massive ask, and good for you for refusing. You've said no, so let them stew in their own silence.

  • The next time someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do, try saying "I'm sorry, I just don't have the time." If they press you, repeat it. If they ask when you will have time, say something vague like "I don't know" or "not for quite awhile" so they don't try to pin you down to something in the future.

    edited to add - don't be drawn into a conversation about why you can't do what someone is asking, people will try to overcome any obstacle you may mention so they can get what they want from you. What you want is equally important. Don't be swayed!

    Actually - I wouldnt advocate the "making excuses" thing of saying that one doesnt have time/doesnt know when you will/etc/etc. The reason being that you are likely to be taken exactly at your word and the person asking thinks "Okay - they don't have time now - but maybe in a couple of weeks time" and if they still get the same response then again think "Okay - they don't have time now etc".

    Eventually the asker realises they were told a lie (albeit of the "little white" variety) and basically decides the askee is unreliable/not a straightforward person/etc.

    Far better to say a clear "no" at the outset - and settle the matter right away and have the askee retaining a good opinion of you as reliable/honest/etc.

    Personally - I find that people do seem to take "no" for an answer pretty readily and don't push & push for a different answer. Don't know if it's down to my saying "I'll think about" only when I really am genuinely thinking about it and then going back with an answer (one way or another) once I've done that thinking.

    If I really don't fancy something and I'm quite sure of it - then I'll just say "Not my thing I'm afraid" smiling nicely whilst saying it. That way I guess they just think "Each to their own - they don't fancy that sort of activity". If genuinely busy - I'll say "I'm doing so-and-so" and then the refusal gets accepted straight away too.
  • I think you should try and find some more reasonable and less needy friends.

    Most of my friends work and have kids and I know they're busy, so I certainly don't get offended or nag them if they can't make a suggested date. I have a weekly volunteering commitment, but as with many of the volunteers I work full time and have a long commute, so can't always make it. People are still grateful for whatever time we can give.

    It's distinctly weird behaviour to persistently harrass someone to socialise. I don't think you need these people in your life.
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  • ThemeOne
    ThemeOne Posts: 1,471
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    I think in these kinds of situations you have to take the view that the end justifies the means.

    If you don't want to do things you are asked, then refuse using whatever means makes you least uncomfortable - whether that's a flat no, or some excuse - in a way it doesn't much matter, the important thing is you don't do the thing you're being asked to do.

    Inevitably you will upset some as a result, and you may even lose some "friends", but that will just be fewer people to ask you to do things, so it's a win win. And slowly you will reclaim your time and your life.
  • securityguy
    securityguy Posts: 2,462
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    ripplyuk wrote: »
    The second time didn't go so well. It's with a local group I try to go to occasionally. I was being asked to commit to going to something I hate, every single weekend until the end of March. It didn't go down well. They were clearly angry!

    You don't need these people in your life. Let me guess: Church?
  • Ripplyuk,

    Do not let these people make you feel bad. There are some people who just can't seem to accept your answer. To me this shows that they have are not giving you the respect you deserve. Forget about them.

    If you do not wish to make a long-term commitment to something you hate (especially during valuable weekend time), you have every right to say no and stand by that decision.

    Any 'friends' who do not accept that, are not real friends at all.

    There comes a point in life sometimes where you have to put yourself first and put your own happiness above the needs of a group of others.
  • It sounds daft but have you got a friend or family member who you can practice saying no with? Or even just do it in your head ! Go from the simple to the ridiculous, "would you like a cup of tea? " to "Shall we go swim the channel?" "Would you like a pet elephant?" . Keep practising saying No, no, NO !
    This will just make it easier for you when you have to make these decisions for real.

    Then when you actually manage to refuse something you don't want to do, be proud and treat it as 'time won back', do something you enjoy. It will get easier the more you do it and I think eventually people will respect you more for knowing your own mind and your mental health will improve because you will be doing things you enjoy rather than tagging along unwillingly to something you don't want to do.
    Decluttering, 20 mins / day Jan 2024 2/2 
  • jozxyqk
    jozxyqk Posts: 142
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    It sounds daft but have you got a friend or family member who you can practice saying no with? Or even just do it in your head ! Go from the simple to the ridiculous, "would you like a cup of tea? "



    That reminds me of the mother of a former girlfriend. Whenever I went round, she'd offer me a cup of tea / coffee. But if I said no thanks, she went on and on about how it was no trouble, was I sure etc. One time she went on for at least 15 minutes - after that I just said yes, it was easier!


    It wasn't Mrs Doyle btw...
    "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
  • System
    System Posts: 178,077
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    This is how i would say it... No :D
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