Birthday celebrations - paying for own meal

If I had the money, I'd rather adopt two hedgehogs and forego the meal.

I think it's actually a nice gesture to say she'd rather have any money that would have been spent upon a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers going to help native wildlife than sitting at the bottom of the fridge until the next gift giving occasion when it gets rewrapped or dying in a vase over the next week. And I see the logic of the tattoo - she has something to see that will remind her of her friends for the rest of her life if they don't want to help a species that is in danger of becoming extinct.

Go or don't go. It doesn't really matter. She wanted you there, but if you don't want to, fair enough.

Give her what she wants for a present or don't bother with anything if you have a fundamental objection to small spiky things. I'm sure she'll be fine, as she obviously doesn't need anything - and deliberately doing something else could imply that you want to make a point that you don't care what she wants - rather like buying a kid a pink Barbie car when they asked for a Thomas the Tank Engine.

I'm sure she'll be fine if you RSVP to say you can't come but have a lovely time.

I love people that say 'I don't need to have a gift list shoved under my nose - i'm a good friend and know what they would like'

Everyone who has a drawer full of tat from self confessed people who 'give great gifts' wince when you say that. If you don't believe me - check out the christmas bad gift thread. Every single one of those people though the gifts they got for the giftee was a great gift.

A gift list isn't tacky or presumptuous - its MSE. Its a kind suggestion for those who would like to give something to a charity the Birthday person is passionate about or something they would really like.

It ensures that there is no wastage and you actually get something you want or need. Normally because they have special friends who 'know what they like' so will get them that instead of what was suggested'.

I have never found having a gift list being rude however having recently been involved in the planning of a small wedding the amount of people, after being invited, felt they had the right to approach the bride or the MOTB to 'helpfully' point out that really they should move venues to one that could take kids or could the meal plans be changed because the sitter can only start at four... the list went on and on and on of people that 'just felt you should know' that the gift list was inappropriate, the meal didn't cater to fussy teenagers and if they were paying for the meal (they weren't) something should be done about that.... Now THAT i found rude.

Its not your party. your choices are politely accept the invitation or decline the invitation. That's it. You don't like the food or venue decline - its simple.

If the birthday person asks you why then feel free to tell her your thoughts. If you choose to tell her you think the venue she picked for HER birthday is over priced and YOU don't like it - i would expect to get a :mad:

Must be an East London thing but to be invited to something and then pay and get told what it to eat. Plus a present!!!


I had a wedding last week. All food drink included, free bar.


50 wedding anniversary and a 40th next month.................both will be the same.


All alien to me...........but then that just me.

FBaby wrote: »

I find it very selfish to arrange something that really is to please yourself, and then expect everyone to spend a lot of money to do so. Fair enough when it is close family and best friends, but beyond this is putting a lot of pressure on people who frankly would probably much rather than spend that money on something else.

Thankfully, my friends are not like this so I haven't come across this, but in my case, I would only agree to it for a family member/very close friends, in which case, I would know long in advance what they were doing, possibly give advice on value for cost and if they insisted on the place because it was what made them happy, at least I would have time to save the money.

Any other friend, I would decline politely.

As you say, this rather depend on the numbers involved. Which we don’t know - along with a number of other things. Most people would have a different reaction if this was about a group of 8 (say) as opposed to 40.

To me, it’s a special day for the person concerned and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be doing what she would want to do on it. And ask those who she wants be with. There seems no suggestion that the OP cannot afford it - rather that they think it’s a bit steep for what it is (on the bare facts it sounds like it might be to be honest), And the do is at the start of next year so there is a chance to save up for it

All groups are different. My lot wouldn’t bat an eye as they just like being out with each other - we always make the most of whatever the situation and make sure we enjoy ourselves. The reaction to this would be - hmm looks like the menu is a bit iffy - maybe a bit pricey but we’re out together, we’ll find a way to make it a rocking good night and that the birthday girl has a night to remember

Nobody would be giving advice on value for money to anyone else. We just don’t work like that!

£40- you've got off lightly. I'm having to go to a cheesy weekend at a well-known holiday camp chain (bring your own towels), minimum 3 night stay, with a load of heavy drinkers who'll want to do a drinks kitty. I'm sick to death of big birthdays.