NEW to this- fraud

jaynelou88 · 13 March 2018 at 5:51PM

Hello,

Sorry I am new to this, I hope I don't get judged.

Basically my husband and I were in a messy relationship- I was a poor student and him on a job with a poor wage. We had second hand disgusting furniture, we also had a child. One year I opened a store card in his name fully wanting to pay it back, however student wage was never as good as expected , and I was payng ALL bills and rent withouth his help and I panicked. The total amount of debt totals £2.5k-3k.

He got aggressive, he broke my phone, we broke up. Child is split 50/50 and this works well.He has found out about the debt I got in his name (I know it was a terrible thing to do- I used it to buy my son Christmas presents and a new sofa for our house.) and I have offered to pay Back EVERY penny, however he says he cant trust me and doesn't want it until he can.

We have been seperaed two years, both grown up and moved on for one year (He moved on November 2016 and I moved on October 2016), I asked him for a divorce, his reply was he will not divorce until I make up for what I have done and he has custody of our child.

Im so scared, I have tried making up for what I have done, I have tried apologising, paying him back (which he wont take) and give him my reasons why. Yet all I get is how we cant divorce unless its under his terms, and how I will NEVER get divorce (Some angry messages, have saved them all)

He is known for being angry- He threw my phone in the road and when I drove off in fear, he jumped into the middle of the road to where he knew my car would be, after we broke up he tried sex and I had to bite him to get him off, he has lost it at my dad and his wife - when they asked him not to come into the house and he did anyway, and he also turned up at my partners house to give him a "warning".

I have tried talking to his parents to no response, apart from a message from him asking not to harass his family.

I understand he is hurt, AND Im trying to make this up to him- but why is he making my life hell, refusing a divorce and causing constant upset.

I don't know what to do- I feel terrible, for what I did to him as well as the fact I am unablet o move on.

Please help me what to do- I have considered ending my life over this - I can not deal with constant arguments and threats when I just want to make things right again

LABMAN · 13 March 2018 at 5:59PM

You do not need his permission to get divorced.

Shakin_Steve · 13 March 2018 at 6:33PM

What you did was wrong, but we don't know the full circumstances. As was said earlier, he has no choice in the divorce matter, start proceedings if you have been apart two years. With regards to the violence and harassment, talk to the police. As for custody, that's for the courts to decide, if you can't come to an agreement over it.
The very worst that can happen here is that he reports you for fraud, but he won't do that while he thinks he can control you over it. We've only heard your side of the story, but he sounds like a controlling bully. You sound as if you are frightened of him and, maybe, that's to be expected, I don't know.
The part about the store card sounds to me like the least of your worries, you need to start talking to people about the situation. This forum is not really the place to get the right advice on your particular situation.
Good luck.

pelirocco · 13 March 2018 at 6:38PM

Many years ago my dad left my mum , I was about 11 . She had no money he hadnt paid the rent etc , she found a low paid job to keep going . One day a letter came through the door addressed to my dad , it was a cheque for a few hundred pounds as he had been underpaid redundancy . She forged his signature and cashed it ( it was a lot easier those days ) . Still makes me laugh , I did tell my Dad a few years ago , he wasnt angry just ashamed he had behaved badly at the time

Nearlyold · 13 March 2018 at 6:41PM

Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. I would suggest talking this through with a solicitor so that you fully understand what your legal position is, or perhaps contact one of the woman's support groups.

You, as you say, have committed fraud but by the sound of it your husband is breaking the law by issuing threats. As LABMAN says your husband cannot stop you applying for a divorce.

Does he pay anything towards your joint child?

At a guess from what you describe, your husband is simply using the fraud issue as an excuse for his behaviour and as additional leverage over you - in all probability he would treat you the same way even if he hadn't found out about the debt in his name.

Humdinger1 · 13 March 2018 at 8:13PM

JayneLou

Please rest assured - you cannot be denied access to your child just because your behaviour was less than perfect; you acted in fear and this man attempted to rape you (I don't suppose you reported this to the police or saw a doctor at the time? It might be helpful). Please go and get some legal advice from a lawyer specialising in domestic abuse and make sure that you keep all the text threats etc. Are you sure that you didn't take out the card under his direction and he's now trying to deny it to undermine you - it's known as gas-lighting and is well documented. Why are you trying to make anything up to him? You're getting away from a thug.

Please get some advice asap and come back to let us know how it's going. You'll find a lot of support on here.

Humdinger

johnpercival80 · 13 March 2018 at 9:35PM

jayne, you need to get some advice ASAP, you can't keep living in fear because of this man, you need to look at getting an injunction or something,

CKhalvashi · 13 March 2018 at 11:22PM

johnpercival80 wrote: »

jayne, you need to get some advice ASAP, you can't keep living in fear because of this man, you need to look at getting an injunction or something,

Yes.

My concern was more about the attempted rape than the financial situation.

For the OP, as above, are you sure he isn't gaslighting you? I'm not in a direct position to help, but whatever happens here he seems manipulative and you've taken the first important step to rebuilding your life and leaving him, and an even greater step by coming to MSE and asking for help.

MEM62 · 14 March 2018 at 1:56PM

jaynelou88 wrote: »

I don't know what to do- I feel terrible, for what I did to him as well as the fact I am unablet o move on.

Please help me what to do- I have considered ending my life over this - I can not deal with constant arguments and threats when I just want to make things right again

He is punishing you and you are letting him. (Probably because you cannot forgive yourself) He has no more control over your life that that which you allow him.

You do not need his agreement or consent for a divorce.

Stop tying to appease him and move on. You have expressed your regret and tried to make thing right, you own him no more.

Chickabiddybex · 15 March 2018 at 10:32AM

I can see you've said you tried to pay him back but if you have debt in his name then surely you should just pay the debt back to whoever you borrowed from? Or have I misunderstood?

Candyapple · 15 March 2018 at 1:48PM

The store card debt - did you miss the repayments and the debt defaulted? Has it gone to debt collectors?

If you still have the card, call the company and ask them to transfer the debt in your name. If you no longer have the card, then put the £3k to one side and when your divorce settlement is being discussed, you can sort it out then through your solicitors.

Your ex is using financial abuse to try and control you. Please read this:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

You should speak to a solicitor, most of them offer free half hour of advice. Start divorce proceedings yourself - you don't need his permission to do that.

You should also contact the police regarding his violent/psychotic behaviour so that there is documented evidence should you need it further down the line in any child custody hearing. You will also probably need to take out an injunction against him from going near you - he is clearly unstable.
https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

Leave his parents alone - they have nothing to do with this. If he tries to visit your mum/dad's house again, just tell them not to open the door to him. Same goes for your partner.

And finally, please don't consider ending your life over this, there is always a better solution. Please speak to the Samaritans, your family, your GP or anyone as they will be able to help you. It's not worth losing your life over a controlling and abusive ex partner. Also, your child needs you in their life.

NEW to this- fraud

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free