14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

EdwardB · 24 February 2017 at 10:49PM

Keep the letter, if he now starts harassing this will be evidence.

Put the letter in a drawer and leave it there.

Clearly his Step Mother spoke to him.

I suggest that a short note to him care of her address. asking him to cease and desist from harassing you.

If you get any more or calls time to involve the Police, you can ask them to have a quiet word.

I think everything I thought last night.

There has been no suggestion of him deceiving you, so either he has and he is worried about it getting back to you or as I said he just want you to rule it out so he can engage you.

No chance of that because that boat has sailed, off to pastures new.

Amazing how this idiot does something and almost puts it on you with the whole pity sheeet.

You do not care where he spent the night it is all nonsense designed to confuse you.

You are doing the right thing, moving on, surrounding yourself with people like MsE (no not this site Ms Envelope).

So glad you had a good time, Aldi cheesecake is 99p or their posh one about £3.

Funny I am like that, always thing, no not paying so much for that when it is not good value.

So to plan for the weekend!

I suspect there may be a call or he may turn up, be ready.

Money_maker · 24 February 2017 at 11:08PM

I don't think one letter will count as harassment. I wouldn't send a note back care of her address, that just starts a dialogue. See if you have a drawer or box you can actually lock the letter away in. As you turn the key, that symbolises the end of that and you can start your new chapter.

Good luck.

EdwardB · 24 February 2017 at 11:22PM

Money_maker wrote: »

I don't think one letter will count as harassment. I wouldn't send a note back care of her address, that just starts a dialogue. See if you have a drawer or box you can actually lock the letter away in. As you turn the key, that symbolises the end of that and you can start your new chapter.

Good luck.

Of COURSE it is not harassment by itself, but others suggested burning it.

It may be the first of many.

To file a harassment claim you must not fight back or argue, but you can in a most civil way ask them to please cease and desist, if you don't do this you will only be asked to later by Police.

You have to let people know if you want them to stop doing something.

Then is it just a case of keeping evidence.

I like your idea of locking them away.

I would not even read any more.

my-user-name · 25 February 2017 at 1:08AM

EdwardB wrote: »

Of COURSE it is not harassment by itself, but others suggested burning it.

It may be the first of many.

To file a harassment claim you must not fight back or argue, but you can in a most civil way ask them to please cease and desist, if you don't do this you will only be asked to later by Police.

You have to let people know if you want them to stop doing something.

Then is it just a case of keeping evidence.

I like your idea of locking them away.

I would not even read any more.

Its ok its in the bin:T
It hasn't really bothered me I feel but that should be it from him as from now.Hes got family to tell me and now hes told me himself so that should be the end
On a good note,today I won theatre tickets to a play in the city centre,yay!!! only cost me £2 for a strip of 5 and the tickets are priced at £30 EACH,result!!!

My first smilie face,yay!!

my-user-name · 25 February 2017 at 1:10AM

my-user-name wrote: »

Its ok its in the bin:T
It hasn't really bothered me I feel but that should be it from him as from now.Hes got family to tell me and now hes told me himself so that should be the end
On a good note,today I won theatre tickets to a play in the city centre,yay!!! only cost me £2 for a strip of 5 and the tickets are priced at £30 EACH,result!!!

My first smilie face,yay!!

Is it best to bin it???just noticed your post Edward

Pollycat · 25 February 2017 at 9:16AM

my-user-name wrote: »

The other thing is......hes raised his ugly head via a letter I received in dinnertimes post
I didn't realise it was from him because he only writes in calligraphy,this was a normal pen letter.In fact there was a first class stamp on it so he must of been trying to impress me lol

Yet again all that was mentioned was "I didn't cheat on you",he said hes been talking with his step mum and he wants to reasure me that "I have not had a affair,or having a affair,nor will be having an affair with anybody in the future," He said he slept at his real mothers for 20 nights he was there,and has spent the last 5 or 6 night alone in his new home.He then said he dosent know if I have spoken to anyone else recently but he has told his step mum the truth that he has not had a affair.Then he just signed it with his name.

There was no "sorry for hurting you"...no "this is why I left you"....or "these are the reasons why I fell out of love with you" or even "I know Ive hurt you"I honestly think he has forgotten about leaving me weeks ago,it feels as if that's not important to him,what is important is the fact he hasn't had a affair and is determined to make me believe that?????

I've said it before but I'll say it again:

Pollycat wrote: »

Perhaps he's playing mind games with you.
He wants to plant a seed in your mind about being unfaithful.
He wants you running around a wheel like a hamster, gnawing at this little snippet of information.
Why? Why? Why? And on and on and on......

Even if he was unfaithful, it's over and done with.
You didn't know at the time.

I'd definitely not reply to the letter.
That will mess with his head because he'll be expecting/hoping you reply asking him why he feels it's important for him to reassure you that he wasn't unfaithful.

spirit · 25 February 2017 at 9:18AM

my-user-name wrote: »

Is it best to bin it???just noticed your post Edward

bin it, burn it, either way get rid of its 'energy' out of your living space.

I'd read it and think, so what. Who cares now if he cheated or not. It' wouldn't be cheating in the future because you are not together. Neither is it any of his or his stepmother's business if you are or will be seeing anyone else.

More mind games. you are well rid.

Glad you won the tickets, enjoy.

EdwardB · 25 February 2017 at 10:40AM

my-user-name wrote: »

Is it best to bin it???just noticed your post Edward

I can only say what I would do and others here give equally valid advice.

In one of my volunteering gigs about 10 years ago there was a split, kids were disabled, father in denial, very controlling (would not even let mother close the door when she went to loo). He wanted custody for the benefits, but as the reports started coming in against him he started sending notes. She binned or burnt them, at first they seemed relatively harmless but they got worse. Police wanted to analyse handwriting to prove they were same but they were gone.

So I just keep everything if I feel there is a chance it might be needed, it shows a pattern.

I am not comfortable with some of the things you have reported about him. His response to neighbour in town, perceived loss of reputation, seeking pity for something he instigated, communicating through 3rd parties in a weird way about nothing ever suggested (his having an affair). Then the letter.

Now it could all be innocent enough, it could well be that he originally planned to do what he did before, to go and come back.

However, his behaviour suggests that he has an issue about "control" not of you but of the situation, his rep, where he has ended up. Only time will tell where it goes.

Hopefully he will just get the message and move on with his life but if not and he goes a bit crazy, then you may be grateful to have a note and be able to give it as a evidence.

EdwardB · 25 February 2017 at 10:52AM

Pollycat wrote: »

I've said it before but I'll say it again:

Even if he was unfaithful, it's over and done with.
You didn't know at the time.

I'd definitely not reply to the letter.

That will mess with his head because he'll be expecting/hoping you reply asking him why he feels it's important for him to reassure you that he wasn't unfaithful.

I agree, definately no reply to the letter, no direct contact at all.

As no address for him, a simple civil letter to one or both of the mummies to say "please can you and your family including your son, cease and disist from all communications hereafter. I do not wish to have ANY contact and if it persists it will be reported as harassment."

This whole affair thing is calculated, at this point hard to know for sure whether it is just a rep thing or a play into a bigger plan to get back into the relationship.

IF he was thinking he wanted to come back then he would think "what would stop that" and the one thing you never come back from is someone being unfaithful. So he wants to nip that in the bud, but also use it as a way to talk.

None of us really know what is going on in his mind but it does not matter, he is history, over time he will get the message, but no contact is best way forward.

Pollycat · 25 February 2017 at 10:58AM

EdwardB wrote: »

I agree, definately no reply to the letter, no direct contact at all.

As no address for him, a simple civil letter to one or both of the mummies to say "please can you and your family including your son, cease and disist from all communications hereafter. I do not wish to have ANY contact and if it persists it will be reported as harassment."

TBH, I wouldn't even do this.

Ignoring the letter will have the most effect if he is wanting to initiate contact with a view to rekindling the relationship.
He will wonder if it was delivered.
He will wonder what the OP makes of it.
Let him.

Of course, if further letters follow then it would make sense to put a stop to them but at this stage nobody knows if it is a one-off or not.

Best to do nothing (imho).

14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

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