Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give as much if I'm only going to the evening do?

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  • CupcakeSquirrel
    CupcakeSquirrel Posts: 30 Forumite
    edited 8 October 2016 at 6:26AM
    Just to answer a few of the comments back to mine:

    1. There is financial pressure whether you organise a wedding with four guests or 400 - it all costs money and I would assume the wedding in the original post has roughly 100 guests to the day and is adding more (possibly workmates, old school or uni friends etc) to the evening do. I say this from experience having been to about 20 weddings over the last 10 years as all my friends have got married.

    2. Some people have commented about not choosing a venue which fits all of these so-called unworthy friends during the day. See point 1 above! My ceremony venue fits 100 people. I can afford that. Similarly I can afford a reception venue to seat (and feed) 100. However, my total guest list is 120, so inevitably someone will end up at the evening do rather than the whole thing.

    3. Finally there are still people assuming I'll be offending someone. Well, that's your assumption, but if I thought that for one minute, I wouldn't bother inviting them. Luckily though I know my friends and am pretty sure this won't be happening - particularly as I know what my guest list looks like. Most of my friends are already married and went through the same pain themselves.

    Really people, if you get offended over only being invited to an evening do - you really don't deserve an invite! There are friends on my guest list who didn't invite me to their wedding at all and I still wished them all the love and luck in the world, sent cards and loved seeing pictures and hearing about their day, because they are my friend!
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,582
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    In my extended family, weddings are regarded primarily as family celebrations so, personally, I don't see anything wrong with this. One of the best things about weddings is that you get to see people that you may not have met in years.

    We worked out our wedding list and then passed it to our respective mothers who the added the people that they thought should be invited.
    And that's fine if it works for you and your family.

    Personally, I have no interest in meeeting up with somone I just happen to be related to and haven't spoken to in years.

    My comment was actually aimed at those people who feel constrained to invite 3rd cousin twice removed Eddie because Great Aunt Dot would be offended.
    It all worked out rather well. I'm not aware of anybody being offended and nobody went into debt. All guest were invited fr the full day... even the ones that turned up without an invitation.
    But lots of people do go into debt because of over spending on their wedding.
  • Lily-Rose wrote: »
    Well if the bride and groom are under such severe financial pressure, and are so utterly, utterly poor, then why even HAVE this post-wedding 'night do' anyway? Is it just so they can say they had 300 odd people there on their day? It just comes across as showy IMO. 'Oooooh look how many people like me!' And the fact that people are kicking off because some people say they wouldn't go to the post-wedding 'night do' if they weren't invited to the actual wedding, just screams 'Bridezilla' to me!

    As I said, if people are so utterly poor, and it's SUCH a struggle, then just have a small wedding with a modest amount of guests, and a small wedding breakfast. Having three different 'do's' for your wedding, doesn't make the marriage any better you know, and you're in for a rude awakening if you think it does. And here's a shocker for you; it doesn't make the WEDDING any better either.

    I gather by the ire in your post that you are also someone who invited acquaintances, not-particularly-close friends, and extended family you barely know to the 'here's a soggy cucumber sandwich, didn't want you at my wedding, buy yer own drinks, but I want a present, I hope it's worth at least fifty quid' fiasco that is labelled the 'post wedding night do,'

    And whilst at least ONE of your friends (at least one, aren't you sure of the exact number!) has said she will be HONOURED to be there, I can assure you that some will NOT be attending the night do, because they WILL feel that if they weren't good enough to be invited to the wedding, then they're not good enough to go to the post wedding night do.

    Sorry hun, but people are different, and some people will be offended, whether you like it or not. And as I said earlier in the thread, people are entitled to their opinions and views. Deal with it.



    This ^ Why even invite 100s of people you're not that close to anyway?

    And I'm not saying I would be morbidly offended. I am just saying that I wouldn't be spending a small fortune on attending a post wedding night do, forking out for taxis, an outfit, booze from the bar (never cheap!) babysitters if I had small kids, a PRESENT for the married couple - who would expect one of course, and God knows what else, if I wasn't invited to the actual wedding.

    People have differing views, and the OP asked for differing views. I think people need to accept the fact that other people think differently to them on this, and stop throwing their dummy out of the pram,

    Thanks for the judgement. Not quite sure why I'm justifying my own wedding but I'm inviting my group of friends I go out with regularly to the day do, and it will be workmates, people from sports teams and a couple of extras invited to the evening do. I'm actually not insulting them with soggy sandwiches or expecting them to bring gifts or buy expensive drinks, as I've chosen a venue specifically to avoid all that (and don't expect any gifts!). I have also been very open with all of the groups about who will be invited to which bit, because again - these people are my friends! I talk to them all regularly and they will often ask me about the planning etc and some of the unmarried ones have actually asked how you go about deciding who to invite. It seems to me that it's generally distant relatives and people the bride and groom don't want to offend by not inviting at all that get most put out by evening do invites. I'm thankful not to have a big family or people I'd rather not invite in my friendship groups.

    I entirely accept other people will have "opinions", but far too many people use the relative anonymity of the Internet to be bloody rude, and that's the problem I have with this post, particularly as the question was about someone who IS accepting an evening do invite in the first place.
  • Rosemary7391
    Rosemary7391 Posts: 2,879
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    I'm just glad I'm not intending on getting married! I'd have everyone at the ceremony, buffet lunch in the church hall afterwards, ceilidh band, no alcohol and only invite a handful of close friends for a dinner out after that. Most of my family would get upset at something there...
  • silvercar
    silvercar Posts: 46,865
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    Really people, if you get offended over only being invited to an evening do - you really don't deserve an invite! There are friends on my guest list who didn't invite me to their wedding at all and I still wished them all the love and luck in the world, sent cards and loved seeing pictures and hearing about their day, because they are my friend!

    The problem comes when people get an evening invitation and thought of themselves as higher up the ranking. So they see maybe newer friends being invited to the whole shebang and they only get an evening invite. On the other hand you may have a friend who would never have expected an evening invite who is delighted to be included.
    I'm a Forum Ambassador on The Coronavirus Boards as well as the housing, mortgages and student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
  • silvercar
    silvercar Posts: 46,865
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    My ceremony venue fits 100 people. I can afford that. Similarly I can afford a reception venue to seat (and feed) 100. However, my total guest list is 120, so inevitably someone will end up at the evening do rather than the whole thing.

    Your numbers are tricky. Drop out rates usually average at 10%. So your original 100 full invites could have 90 people coming. So you can promote some of the 20 evening guests to full invites, that leaves a handful of people as evening guests. Maybe set an early reply date before sending out evening invites, just in case you have room for all.
    I'm a Forum Ambassador on The Coronavirus Boards as well as the housing, mortgages and student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
  • CupcakeSquirrel
    CupcakeSquirrel Posts: 30 Forumite
    edited 8 October 2016 at 12:46PM
    silvercar wrote: »
    Your numbers are tricky. Drop out rates usually average at 10%. So your original 100 full invites could have 90 people coming. So you can promote some of the 20 evening guests to full invites, that leaves a handful of people as evening guests. Maybe set an early reply date before sending out evening invites, just in case you have room for all.

    We've decided not to promote anyone. We sent out Save the Dates to all our day guests and have already had a couple say they can't attend for a variety of reasons and so we decided to use the saving for something else instead. So the issue of promoting others won't arise for us. If a dinner goes uneaten on the day from a very last minute drop out then so be it.

    Your other point about people thinking they were better friends again isn't an issue for us as we are being very open and honest from the start with all of our friends. For example my running buddies already know that they are evening do people and are dead excited for it! I think if you expect invitations to anything then you set yourself up to be disappointed. It's very much more about the attitude of the invited than the person doing the inviting. :)
  • burnoutbabe
    burnoutbabe Posts: 1,338
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    I've been to just the evening part and it was straight after work.

    There was no food (the day guests ate late), you of course bought your own drinks, no seats as the day guests all sat in their spots and no extra ones added. Incredibly loud music so you could not actually chat to anyone.

    We left as soon as we could.

    I'd generally decline an evening only event unless it was very local. And just get a card for them.

    In the OP dilemma, I'd object to putting in the same as all the day guests, the only way it makes sense is it its a whole work contribution and everyone puts money in (whatever they want) whether going or not.
  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884
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    I've been to just the evening part and it was straight after work.

    There was no food (the day guests ate late), you of course bought your own drinks, no seats as the day guests all sat in their spots and no extra ones added. Incredibly loud music so you could not actually chat to anyone.

    We left as soon as we could.

    That's just bad hosting though. I went to a full day wedding once that had a buffet not a sit down meal and there weren't enough chairs for everyone.
  • -taff
    -taff Posts: 14,423
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    My partners sister is geting married next year, and he is not invited to the wedding itself.

    If they invite him, and his stepbrother and sister [and their children], then they have to invite the grooms brothers and sisters , of which there are many, and their respective children, of which there are many, so it'll be parents only, and witnesses.

    Neither of us are miffed by that, we understand.

    We won't be buying a cheaper present or being mortally offended to only go to the night do.
    Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...
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