Advice please... Very pushy woman at the Church my wife goes to. (Very long post.)
Peter333
Posts: 2,035 Forumite
OK some advice please. My wife has been attending the local Church in our little village since we have lived here (several years,) and she goes maybe twice a month.
She was asked when we first came here, if she wanted to attend a monthly Group that met for worship and singing and a general chat. She went, and thought it was OK, but as she is not great in big groups, and not a hugely sociable person, she wasn’t a massive fan, especially as there were several loud, rather obnoxious characters there who liked the sound of their own voice. She generally just sat and listened. As the months passed, she grew to like it less, and went to it less.
It got to the point where she was just getting bored with it, and she said although half a dozen of the 18-20 people who attend are quite OK, there are quite a few people there who are just snobs, who spend time bragging about their villa in Australia, and their holidays in Lapland, and how many material possessions they have, and there are also a few bigots.
She said she felt relieved if it was cancelled, and felt her heart sink at the thought of going if it wasn’t. I said this is no way to live, dreading something every month. But she couldn't find a way to say she didn't want to go anymore.
However, after getting so bored and fed up with it for so long, coupled with the fact that we have a lot going on in our lives right now, (from good happy stuff to quite stressful challenging stuff,) my wife decided to tell them she was withdrawing from the Group. She decided she would say ‘I have a lot going on right now; I wish to withdraw from the Group.’
But she knew she couldn’t say it to the leader’s face, or even ring her, because this woman always tries to find solutions and remedies. She would have come up with a reason why my wife CAN attend this Group, or she would have said, ‘oh come to Prayer Morning instead,’ or, ‘The over 50s Group,’or ‘House group every Monday,’ when in actual fact, my wife doesn’t want to go to ANYthing. Just Church.
So anyway, she decided to write a letter, and pop it through the leader’s letterbox saying ‘I am sorry I can't make the Group next Tuesday, as I have something on, and I can’t make November’s either sorry, and December and January is out for me too, as I have other plans for the dates.‘
And then she went on to say ‘I am sorry to say this, but I am going to withdraw from the group. I have missed so many of the meetings this year because of other things getting in the way, and I feel bad every time I have to tell you I can't come, and it’s not fair on you or the group for me to keep not attending, so I am withdrawing. Also, as I have a lot going on in my life right now, I cannot commit to anything else – like any other groups or regular meetings. Thanks for everything and for inviting me, and I will see you in Church sometime.’ (She didn't have the heart to say 'I just don't like it,' so she just said she won't be coming anymore as she finds it hard to regularly attend anything at this point in her life.)
Well, this was 2 days ago. Then this morning, the leader of the Group rang and we didn’t answer as we were in the garage, and she left a message saying ‘You don't need to leave the Group, and you don’t have to feel bad if you don’t come every month, just come when you can make it. And you sounded stressed in your letter, I hope everything is OK. Let’s meet for a coffee; I am in all afternoon and tomorrow, so ring me back, and we will arrange to meet for a coffee and a long chat.’
Argh! Did she even read the letter? Or did she read it and just pay no attention? My wife said she was withdrawing from the Group, and has a lot going on in her life right now, and doesn't want to commit to anything. Yet, now this woman has put my wife under pressure to still attend the Group 'when she can,' and she has also put her under pressure to ring her back and arrange to meet for a 'chat!' My wife shouldn't need to explain herself any further.
I don't think this woman means any harm, but she is so pushy, and can’t seem to take the hint! My wife just wants to relax and regroup and have some peace, as we have had so much going on lately, and this woman has just put her in an awkward position. Why could she not have just said ‘thanks for the letter, sorry you’re leaving the Group, you are welcome back at any time, ring me if you need to talk!’
Not ‘well, you can still come to the Group, no-one said you had to come EVERY month, and ring me and we will arrange to meet for a coffee and a chat about everything!’
My wife is almost back at square one now!
This is the same women BTW, who (some months back,) made half the Group members put their private phone number on a piece of paper, and the other half pick them out, and said they had to ring the person whose number they had, for a coffee, to get to know them better. Loads of people felt awkward. I know the woman means well, but I found what she did very manipulative.
I know my wife didn't tell the leader that she simply doesn't like coming, but even if she had, this woman would still have tried to remedy it, and find a way to make her keep coming!!!
What should my wife do next?
Thanks for reading this, and for listening.
She was asked when we first came here, if she wanted to attend a monthly Group that met for worship and singing and a general chat. She went, and thought it was OK, but as she is not great in big groups, and not a hugely sociable person, she wasn’t a massive fan, especially as there were several loud, rather obnoxious characters there who liked the sound of their own voice. She generally just sat and listened. As the months passed, she grew to like it less, and went to it less.
It got to the point where she was just getting bored with it, and she said although half a dozen of the 18-20 people who attend are quite OK, there are quite a few people there who are just snobs, who spend time bragging about their villa in Australia, and their holidays in Lapland, and how many material possessions they have, and there are also a few bigots.
She said she felt relieved if it was cancelled, and felt her heart sink at the thought of going if it wasn’t. I said this is no way to live, dreading something every month. But she couldn't find a way to say she didn't want to go anymore.
However, after getting so bored and fed up with it for so long, coupled with the fact that we have a lot going on in our lives right now, (from good happy stuff to quite stressful challenging stuff,) my wife decided to tell them she was withdrawing from the Group. She decided she would say ‘I have a lot going on right now; I wish to withdraw from the Group.’
But she knew she couldn’t say it to the leader’s face, or even ring her, because this woman always tries to find solutions and remedies. She would have come up with a reason why my wife CAN attend this Group, or she would have said, ‘oh come to Prayer Morning instead,’ or, ‘The over 50s Group,’or ‘House group every Monday,’ when in actual fact, my wife doesn’t want to go to ANYthing. Just Church.
So anyway, she decided to write a letter, and pop it through the leader’s letterbox saying ‘I am sorry I can't make the Group next Tuesday, as I have something on, and I can’t make November’s either sorry, and December and January is out for me too, as I have other plans for the dates.‘
And then she went on to say ‘I am sorry to say this, but I am going to withdraw from the group. I have missed so many of the meetings this year because of other things getting in the way, and I feel bad every time I have to tell you I can't come, and it’s not fair on you or the group for me to keep not attending, so I am withdrawing. Also, as I have a lot going on in my life right now, I cannot commit to anything else – like any other groups or regular meetings. Thanks for everything and for inviting me, and I will see you in Church sometime.’ (She didn't have the heart to say 'I just don't like it,' so she just said she won't be coming anymore as she finds it hard to regularly attend anything at this point in her life.)
Well, this was 2 days ago. Then this morning, the leader of the Group rang and we didn’t answer as we were in the garage, and she left a message saying ‘You don't need to leave the Group, and you don’t have to feel bad if you don’t come every month, just come when you can make it. And you sounded stressed in your letter, I hope everything is OK. Let’s meet for a coffee; I am in all afternoon and tomorrow, so ring me back, and we will arrange to meet for a coffee and a long chat.’
Argh! Did she even read the letter? Or did she read it and just pay no attention? My wife said she was withdrawing from the Group, and has a lot going on in her life right now, and doesn't want to commit to anything. Yet, now this woman has put my wife under pressure to still attend the Group 'when she can,' and she has also put her under pressure to ring her back and arrange to meet for a 'chat!' My wife shouldn't need to explain herself any further.
I don't think this woman means any harm, but she is so pushy, and can’t seem to take the hint! My wife just wants to relax and regroup and have some peace, as we have had so much going on lately, and this woman has just put her in an awkward position. Why could she not have just said ‘thanks for the letter, sorry you’re leaving the Group, you are welcome back at any time, ring me if you need to talk!’
Not ‘well, you can still come to the Group, no-one said you had to come EVERY month, and ring me and we will arrange to meet for a coffee and a chat about everything!’
My wife is almost back at square one now!
This is the same women BTW, who (some months back,) made half the Group members put their private phone number on a piece of paper, and the other half pick them out, and said they had to ring the person whose number they had, for a coffee, to get to know them better. Loads of people felt awkward. I know the woman means well, but I found what she did very manipulative.
I know my wife didn't tell the leader that she simply doesn't like coming, but even if she had, this woman would still have tried to remedy it, and find a way to make her keep coming!!!
What should my wife do next?
Thanks for reading this, and for listening.
You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
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Comments
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Why is she in an awkward position? I cant imagine anyone is reliant on her attending so no pressure there.
This is why it normally pays to be honest and not dishonest when youre trying to get out of something. She should have just said it isnt for me thank you i just want to attend church. Its your wifes position of not wanting to upset someone (over something they probably wouldnt get upset over) that has led her to this situation.
Tell her to just not go, she doesnt have to explain herself if she doesnt want. It sounds like theres guilt there for some reason (probably because she was dishonest in her reasons for not wanting to go) and any anxiety surrounding the issue is of her own creating.
It sounds like the pushy women is trying her best to be as accommodating as possible. Ie no pressure come when you can.
Honesty is the best policy.
Alternatively change church or dont go to church. Going to church is not compulsory.0 -
If your wife isn't going to be honest with people she can't then get annoyed at them not being mind-readers.
She sent a letter saying she was busy and wouldn't be attending as it wasn't fair on everyone else in the group to dip in and out - the leader has responded in a perfectly sensible way by saying don't worry if you're not here all the time, you're always welcome when you do have the time.
If what your wife actually meant was "I don't like this group and won't be attending anymore" it would have been easier to just say that.0 -
Person_one wrote: »Sorry, but there must be some way to cut down that wall of text and keep the basics of the problem!
His wife doesnt want to go to a community group assosciated with church. She kept making excuses not to go. A 'pushy' women has said come when you can and shows some concern that the wife had to write a letter indicating she was withdrawing from the group and the wife now feels anxious about the situation.0 -
OK some advice please. My wife has been attending the local Church in our little village since we have lived here (several years,) and she goes maybe twice a month.
She was asked when we first came here, if she wanted to attend a monthly Group that met for worship and singing and a general chat. She went, and thought it was OK, but as she is not great in big groups, and not a hugely sociable person, she wasn’t a massive fan, especially as there were several loud, rather obnoxious characters there who liked the sound of their own voice. She generally just sat and listened. As the months passed, she grew to like it less, and went to it less.
It got to the point where she was just getting bored with it, and she said although half a dozen of the 18-20 people who attend are quite OK, there are quite a few people there who are just snobs, who spend time bragging about their villa in Australia, and their holidays in Lapland, and how many material possessions they have, and there are also a few bigots.
She said she felt relieved if it was cancelled, and felt her heart sink at the thought of going if it wasn’t. I said this is no way to live, dreading something every month. But she couldn't find a way to say she didn't want to go anymore.
However, after getting so bored and fed up with it for so long, coupled with the fact that we have a lot going on in our lives right now, (from good happy stuff to quite stressful challenging stuff,) my wife decided to tell them she was withdrawing from the Group. She decided she would say ‘I have a lot going on right now; I wish to withdraw from the Group.’
But she knew she couldn’t say it to the leader’s face, or even ring her, because this woman always tries to find solutions and remedies. She would have come up with a reason why my wife CAN attend this Group, or she would have said, ‘oh come to Prayer Morning instead,’ or, ‘The over 50s Group,’or ‘House group every Monday,’ when in actual fact, my wife doesn’t want to go to ANYthing. Just Church.
So anyway, she decided to write a letter, and pop it through the leader’s letterbox saying ‘I am sorry I can't make the Group next Tuesday, as I have something on, and I can’t make November’s either sorry, and December and January is out for me too, as I have other plans for the dates.‘
And then she went on to say ‘I am sorry to say this, but I am going to withdraw from the group. I have missed so many of the meetings this year because of other things getting in the way, and I feel bad every time I have to tell you I can't come, and it’s not fair on you or the group for me to keep not attending, so I am withdrawing. Also, as I have a lot going on in my life right now, I cannot commit to anything else – like any other groups or regular meetings. Thanks for everything and for inviting me, and I will see you in Church sometime.’ (She didn't have the heart to say 'I just don't like it,' so she just said she won't be coming anymore as she finds it hard to regularly attend anything at this point in her life.)
Well, this was 2 days ago. Then this morning, the leader of the Group rang and we didn’t answer as we were in the garage, and she left a message saying ‘You don't need to leave the Group, and you don’t have to feel bad if you don’t come every month, just come when you can make it. And you sounded stressed in your letter, I hope everything is OK. Let’s meet for a coffee; I am in all afternoon and tomorrow, so ring me back, and we will arrange to meet for a coffee and a long chat.’
Argh! Did she even read the letter? Or did she read it and just pay no attention? My wife said she was withdrawing from the Group, and has a lot going on in her life right now, and doesn't want to commit to anything. Yet, now this woman has put my wife under pressure to still attend the Group 'when she can,' and she has also put her under pressure to ring her back and arrange to meet for a 'chat!' My wife shouldn't need to explain herself any further.
I don't think this woman means any harm, but she is so pushy, and can’t seem to take the hint! My wife just wants to relax and regroup and have some peace, as we have had so much going on lately, and this woman has just put her in an awkward position. Why could she not have just said ‘thanks for the letter, sorry you’re leaving the Group, you are welcome back at any time, ring me if you need to talk!’
Not ‘well, you can still come to the Group, no-one said you had to come EVERY month, and ring me and we will arrange to meet for a coffee and a chat about everything!’
My wife is almost back at square one now!
This is the same women BTW, who (some months back,) made half the Group members put their private phone number on a piece of paper, and the other half pick them out, and said they had to ring the person whose number they had, for a coffee, to get to know them better. Loads of people felt awkward. I know the woman means well, but I found what she did very manipulative.
I know my wife didn't tell the leader that she simply doesn't like coming, but even if she had, this woman would still have tried to remedy it, and find a way to make her keep coming!!!
What should my wife do next?
Thanks for reading this, and for listening.
Do you maybe think that both you and your wife have built this into a bigger problem than it is.
She has said only go when you want, well if when you want is never then never go,
Your wife sounds a bit 'soft' in the nicest possible sense. A quick call saying thanks for her concern all is fine she will come to the group as and when she can is all that is needed.
Don't build mountains!0 -
As your wife just wrote a letter I cannot understand why she did not say she was not enjoying the group so was leaving.As she did not she will have to grow a pair and say that to the women if she continues to phone.0
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Nothing
To be fair the note your wife wrote to an outsider does read as if she still wants to be a member but is giving up because its better for the group but not really what she wants, the women has tried to help by saying there is no pressure to come every time or keep phoning to say she can't make it.
So just do as the women suggests and 'go when she can' the fact she wont ever be able to go again is irrelevant if questioned further just keep to the line 'sorry still really busy, I will come when i can or I can withdraw from the group and re-join later if that makes it easier"
Regarding meeting for coffee all your wife has to say is to thank her for the offer, reassure her she is fine just busy and say she will contact her when she has the time spare but at the moment that looks like it will be at least new year.0 -
Why is she in an awkward position? I cant imagine anyone is reliant on her attending so no pressure there.
This is why it normally pays to be honest and not dishonest when youre trying to get out of something. She should have just said it isnt for me thank you i just want to attend church. Its your wifes position of not wanting to upset someone (over something they probably wouldnt get upset over) that has led her to this situation.
Tell her to just not go, she doesnt have to explain herself if she doesnt want. It sounds like theres guilt there for some reason (probably because she was dishonest in her reasons for not wanting to go) and any anxiety surrounding the issue is of her own creating.
It sounds like the pushy women is trying her best to be as accommodating as possible. Ie no pressure come when you can.
Honesty is the best policy.
Alternatively change church or dont go to church. Going to church is not compulsory.geminilady wrote: »As your wife just wrote a letter I cannot understand why she did not say she was not enjoying the group so was leaving.As she did not she will have to grow a pair and say that to the women if she continues to phone.If your wife isn't going to be honest with people she can't then get annoyed at them not being mind-readers.
She sent a letter saying she was busy and wouldn't be attending as it wasn't fair on everyone else in the group to dip in and out - the leader has responded in a perfectly sensible way by saying don't worry if you're not here all the time, you're always welcome when you do have the time.
If what your wife actually meant was "I don't like this group and won't be attending anymore" it would have been easier to just say that.
Thanks so much, and I know what you are all saying, (and several others too,) but as I said in my long message, even if my wife HAD said 'I don't like it anymore, I don't wish to attend,' this woman would have tried to find a way to 'fix it,' to prevent her from leaving, by saying 'what can we do to remedy this.......?' Or she would have said, 'come to this come to that come to the other ..........'
No matter what my wife had said, it would have resulted in the pushy woman trying to make her continue to attend the Group, or something else. So this is why she said, 'it's not fair for me to keep not attending, and I can't commit to anything, so I will see you in Church....' So she couldn't/wouldn't be able to say 'yeah but yeah but, come to this then, come to that then..' IYSWIM.iammumtoone wrote: »Nothing
To be fair the note your wife wrote to an outsider does read as if she still wants to be a member but is giving up because its better for the group but not really what she wants, the women has tried to help by saying there is no pressure to come every time or keep phoning to say she can't make it.
So just do as the women suggests and 'go when she can' the fact she wont ever be able to go again is irrelevant if questioned further just keep to the line 'sorry still really busy, I will come when i can or I can withdraw from the group and re-join later if that makes it easier"
Regarding meeting for coffee all your wife has to say is to thank her for the offer, reassure her she is fine just busy and say she will contact her when she has the time spare but at the moment that looks like it will be at least new year.
Thank you.
I think she should do nothing too, as she has already dropped this woman a letter in explaining her situation and that she is not attending the Group any longer. And IMO, she should not need to explain herself any further. There was no need for woman to say 'we shall meet for a coffee and a chat' IMO. My wife has already explained herself.
It was never going to be easy, as some people in the Church do not like to take no for an answer...You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:0 -
His wife doesnt want to go to a community group assosciated with church. She kept making excuses not to go. A 'pushy' women has said come when you can and shows some concern that the wife had to write a letter indicating she was withdrawing from the group and the wife now feels anxious about the situation.
Thanks!
Maybe wife should see the GP about her anxiety?0 -
There was no need for woman to say 'we shall meet for a coffee and a chat' IMO. My wife has already explained herself.
Of course there was. If I had read that letter, I would be concerned that your wife was OK. Particularly as the communication was in the form of a letter in the first place.
You are reading far too much into this. The poor woman 's response was, in my view anyway, understandable and quite normal.0 -
And IMO, she should not need to explain herself any further. There was no need for woman to say 'we shall meet for a coffee and a chat' IMO. My wife has already explained herself.
It's not about 'explaining yourself' - the woman has asked if your wife is ok and if she'd like a coffee.... ie. she's been friendly. For the life of me I cannot fathom your response towards her.
You seem to have taken a well-meaning gesture and fretted it into some awful act towards yourself.0
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