Dan's desperate dash towards solvency

lessonlearned · 8 March 2017 at 10:28AM

Hi Dan.......Remember me? I am the woman who ran up £30k of debt whilst caring for my terminally Ill husband. He died and I cleared all the debt. As I told you before I would willingly take on £30k debt again if it meant having my husband restored to me.

Putting it simply there are worse things in life than debt.

I don't wish to preach but just try and count your blessings. You are in a strong position to clear your debts and you have your lovely wife and a child too I believe.

I can understand your stress levels are high but it's early days for you. Those stress levels will come down as you start to hammer down the debt. At the moment debt busting is new to you and as a new convert it will "consume" you for a while. But heres the thing, you really must try not to "badger" your wife with it.

She is taking a more sanguine approach. Hopefully you will soon be able too as well.

I understand you are paying £2k off each month. That's great, a real achievement of which you can be justifiably proud.

As for your dad......no don't burden him either.

Just come on here, vent, rant, whenever you need to. Just talk to the good people on here. They are a friendly bunch. Some will have different views, some will tell you to go hell for leather and throw every last penny at your debt, some will say take a more relaxed approach.

I would just remind you that it's a marathon not a sprint so I think your wife is right........pay down your debts as quickly as possible but don't make your lives a misery in the process.

If it takes six months longer by taking things more gently, then so what, you will get there. And you will have a happy home life.

But.......if you become a "debt bore" constantly agonising over every last penny then your wife will get fed up of you endlessly whinging about money and it will cause friction between you.

You can do this, you will get debt free but dont let it take over your life. Try and relax a little.

Remember....the journey is just as just important as the destination.;)

Ps - as for "what will people think?" Who cares......just live your own life and don't fret about "other people".
.

-taff · 8 March 2017 at 10:32AM

Sort of like when someone ttells someone else they've had an affair - they could have kept it quiet, but they wanted to lessen the guilt.

It really doesn't matter what you did in the past [ you haven't killed anyone ], alll you did was get into debt.

Debt that is manageable and debt that you can get out of with your wifes help.

Feeling guilty about it is normal, just don't letit overwhelm you.

You have a plan in place, stick to the plan, don't do it again. Simples.

Money_Rollercoaster · 8 March 2017 at 10:39AM

I do think that if the need to talk it through is so strong and your mood is low, then maybe you do need to talk to someone who's trained to listen and help you rationalise your thoughts better than you can currently do alone or with your poor wife. Make that doctor's appointment and ask about talking therapies available locally, you should be able to get a referral. Some don't even need a referral from your GP. If you don't want to share your location on the thread, drop me a PM and I'll happy google options for your area.

EssexHebridean · 8 March 2017 at 12:07PM

Some really wise words already posted here.

On the money frittering thing - I suspect there's barely one of us on here who hasn't been guilty of that to a greater or lesser extent. This time 10 years ago we would have been in our overdraft by half way through the month and charges were a regular part of our outgoings. Friday takeaways were justified by "we deserve not to have to cook on a Friday" and sometimes if traffic was bad and we were delayed getting home there was another one during the week too. We simply didn't think about it - it was just the way people lived, wasn't it...

The difference with you I think is that you've been brave enough to look at the detail - we never did to that extent - when the LBM happened we realised that the situation needed fixing, and we fixed it, yes, but I have never, for example, added up what we actually paid out in bank charges during the "pre-MSE" years.

Not sure what steps you've taken for tackling the anxiety but try googling "Moodjuice Scotland" - masses of useful advice and resources there (it's a Scottish NHS site) including some really useful self-help work-throughs for tackling things.

worriedDan · 8 March 2017 at 6:21PM

Have been feeling slightly better today. I confided in a colleague and have her a ball part figure (55k) of what we owe. She wasn't shocked and that really helps me. She said she didn't think it was a terrible amount in relation to our earning. Not everyone will agree but it's what I needed to hear today.

motivated · 8 March 2017 at 7:41PM

worriedDan wrote: »

Have been feeling slightly better today. I confided in a colleague and have her a ball part figure (55k) of what we owe. She wasn't shocked and that really helps me. She said she didn't think it was a terrible amount in relation to our earning. Not everyone will agree but it's what I needed to hear today.

It seems that you need to get things off your chest Dan. Keep posting on your diary getting the highs and lows down on there. It will ease the temptation to talk to your wife.

2K a month off your debt is an amazing amount and before you know it you will start to see the total coming down.

As for you dad I personally wouldn't share it with him. My sister and I are very close but I have chosen not to share my debt with her. As far as I'm concerned we are dealing with our debt and are still living as normal. The only thing I would gain from telling anyone is hundreds of questions that I'm not comfortable with answering.

Glad you are feeling better about the situation
M

worriedDan · 8 March 2017 at 11:14PM

So this evening, and against the advice of others, I spoke to my dad openly about my situation. I had thought long and hard about whether or not to do it. He was wonderful and I feel like someone has released the pressure valve in my head. I told him everything, including our approximate debt level and budget details etc. He was worried about how stressed I am over it but not all shocked or disappointed about our level of debt. He was glad that I was able to talk to him.

His attitude was very simiilar to that of my wife, ie. We have 2k a month to service the debts so why am I worrying myself sick. He also shared some of his own debt stories with me from when he was a bit younger. I knew a bit of it but he never told me how he struggled, or how he lay awake at night wondering how he was going to pay the debts that he and my mother had accrued.

It has given me some perspective. I was also reassured by him not bring shocked. I really think that this could be my turning point.

lessonlearned · 9 March 2017 at 12:48AM

That's great news.

Onards and upwards.

When_the_going_gets_tough · 9 March 2017 at 8:40AM

Dan I've been reading your threads and I've just a thought. If I'm wrong please just ignore, but it strikes me that you are struggling to accept that you are a person who has run up a lot of debt. You are seeking validation from other people - your wife, your colleague and your dad. Maybe you also need to first really accept that you are a person who has made a mistake and then try and forgive yourself for that mistake. Maybe you would feel less tormented then. It seems maybe it's the shame rather than the debt that is troubling you. Please forgive me if I'm wrong, this is an open forum and I am just making a suggestion. Best wishes for your future endeavours.

Money_Rollercoaster · 9 March 2017 at 8:57AM

I'm pleased to hear that your conversation with your Dad went well.

What you have to remember is that you need to try and achieve some normality soon. I still think some timely therapy or intervention might help.

It's going to take you three years or so to clear this debt and that will take commitment, however it cannot be your only focus during that time. You have a family to enjoy, a job to perform and likely countless other things you need to pay more attention to. Set your budget and make sure you're working to it by all means, but do not let the debt dominate your life for the next three years or I fear that you'll miss out on the much more important things in life.

Dan's desperate dash towards solvency

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