14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

calicocat · 26 February 2017 at 10:25AM

That's a good point, you could ditch the bigger chick clothes and make room for the xmas stuff.

I have limited experience of this, have been on the decluttering thread myself to get rid of loads of stuff ( and did well to be fair)......but still have jeans ranging from an 8 to 14. Other than a hoarding gene, no reason for me to keep them as don't really wear jeans at all anyway now.

But you never know.....:D

I love xmas decks too, just about had a panic attack at the thought of you getting rid of them:).

. I have years and years of them, even from a kid, and if I'm honest, a box of them in the car still from the January sales.....yes.....still in the car.

If you want to still have xmas stuff but want different ones you could always spray paint them a different colour. I do it all the time with the cheap ones as they are easy to do.

But if getting rid is what works for you right now, go for it, they are replaceable. However presumably when you do replace you will still need room to keep them.? Under bed storage plastic boxes are good...good at making you only keep what fits in them too and sticking to a certain amount of space.

De-cluttering right now will definitely help, it always makes you feel better.

Actually, if you have some outside space and want to spray some balls...I always find dancing to santa-baby playing with a couple of cans gives them a lovely mottled affect when one is in the mood.........

Omg.....Everest base camp..... :rotfl:

EdwardB · 26 February 2017 at 12:09PM

calicocat wrote: »

Omg.....Everest base camp..... :rotfl:

Aim high, get somewhere near high!

:T

calicocat · 26 February 2017 at 12:15PM

EdwardB wrote: »

Aim high, get somewhere near high! :T

you are funny, thought about a career in tv ?.... or radio actually , that would work better with your humour I think

Supernatural · 26 February 2017 at 12:24PM

I wouldn't worry, we've all made fools of ourselves in love at some point, the difference this time is you know you CAN live without him

I think he's now getting very rattled you aren't behaving like he thought you would, based on past experience, he's starting to panic that he has no hold on you now. Part of him no doubt takes it as a huge blow to his ego you aren't crying and begging him to come home, I suspect he'll try to contact you again to see if you'll crumble but just think of the poor pathetic creature alone in his new home (with all the new bills he'll have to pay!) fretting about whether you'll meet someone else better than him, that's karma!! :rotfl:

spirit · 26 February 2017 at 12:49PM

Pollycat wrote: »

TBH, I wouldn't even do this.

Ignoring the letter will have the most effect if he is wanting to initiate contact with a view to rekindling the relationship.
He will wonder if it was delivered.
He will wonder what the OP makes of it.
Let him.

Of course, if further letters follow then it would make sense to put a stop to them but at this stage nobody knows if it is a one-off or not.

Best to do nothing (imho).

^^^^

this x 2

DesignNotDefault · 26 February 2017 at 2:15PM

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, the rug has been pulled from right under you and you must be all over the place. You thought your life was going on one direction and it has now taken a complete 180 degree turn. I'll be honest, reading through your original and subsequent posts, he sounds very immature, cowardly, and spoilt in my opinion.

I went through the same thing a few years ago; was with him for almost 10 years, engaged, and then one day he turned round out of the blue and said it was over. He never admitted to a definitive reason, just a cringe worthy string of cliche excuses. I fully believe it was because he didn't love me anymore, but he wouldn't admit it. I don't think there was a physical affair underway, but it wouldn't have surprised me if he was having an emotional one, which to me is just as bad if not worse.

His timing couldn't have been worse either; he ended it right before Christmas and just after the sudden death of a close family member. Straight after this, I was also in the throws of having to move out of the rented house we shared due to the landlord returning to live there, and in the middle of buying a house. Every day felt like a nightmare to me.

It took me a good few years to get over what he did, and how he treated me when we were together; it was only after it ended that I realised I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Obviously today I am a lot better off, and I have had the chance to really work on myself, which is what I personally think you need to be focussing on now.

A few things that got me through the bad times were:

*reminding myself that his actions and personality were about him and his shortcomings, not me
*not expecting myself to be 'over' it in a certain time frame; just roll with it, each day will be different
*not letting people dictate my grieving period; it's your business and the end of a relationship is like a death so to speak
*not letting people dictate your dating schedule, or 'need' to get back out on the market; you don't 'need' to date or be with anyone if you choose. If you want to of course, do it in your own sweet time and when you feel ready
*embracing the rage, fantasising about elaborate deaths if necessary - I raged for a long long time and this helped
*looking after myself physically with nutritious food (so important, I didn't do this for some time afterward and got temporarily ill from the weight I lost). However, don't beat yourself up if you eat junk sometimes
*setting boundaries if necessary for my own protection e.g. my ex wanted to be friends but did and said things that completely contradicted this; I put a stop to this straight away, changed my number, told him not to contact me by any method etc.

I know there will be days when you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, but trust me, it will get better and you'll be so much more self-aware about what you want for your future. Fall in love with yourself again and you'll be golden.

xx

DesignNotDefault · 26 February 2017 at 2:37PM

elona wrote: »

He is a "hollow man" - a child acting like a man and not paying his way or realising what it is to be an adult or putting someone else's needs above - or even equal to his own.

You know he is going to get in such a mess financially and otherwise trying to show he is a "playboy" and then will expect you or his poor mum to rescue him.

Please distance yourself for everyone's sake. All this time you have been making him look like an adult and he has been sponging off you and probably denigrating you behind your back.

Couldn't agree more with this - speaking from experience!!! As far as I'm aware from the grapevine at work, he is still living in his mother's spare room years later....

DesignNotDefault · 26 February 2017 at 3:00PM

EdwardB wrote: »

Oh "he is in a Council House", maybe he should try being homeless, sleeping in his car, or in the car park of an abandoned building. He made his bed, he must sleep in it I hope it is damp, smells and has bed bugs!

The only power over you that mummy and mummy's boy have is the power you give them, so give them nothing, nada, nicht, rien de rien!

If didums is confused then so much the better, remember you were quietly getting on with your life, licking your wounds and moving forward. He made this call happen, she says "he is desperate for you to know blah blah blah".

HAHAHAAAH this is epic, loving the picture as well :rotfl:

DesignNotDefault · 26 February 2017 at 3:11PM

my-user-name wrote: »

I went to New York at Christmas on my own and had a amazing time(he said he couldn't think of anything worse than going around New York looking at Christmas lights") it was my number one on my bucket list!!!

Good for you, I am so glad to hear you have done this :T

I don't know the guy, and pardon my language, but he does sound like one miserable **** (insert whatever four lettered swear word you like). I'd give my right arm to go to NY, anytime and doing anything whilst there.

my-user-name · 26 February 2017 at 5:37PM

Gallygirl
Ive just googled The Life Changing Magic of Tidying: A Simple, Effective Way To Banish Clutter Forever by Marie Kondo, I wish I had read this before I started clearing out the spare room yesterday lol.Without doubt I will take this further and read all about it,I do feel it could help me.There was a few things I did want to keep for sentimental reasons but then I remembered what memories they were bringing back to me .....so they went into the black bin bag.Its not a case of just clearing out the one room,I have to clear out every room so this read will put me on the right path for sure and if it clears my mind too then that's even better!Thank you so much.

EdwardB
Are you sure your not a councillor in your day job??,if not then your wasting your talent!(another poster also agrees!)
You say that I am much stronger and yes your right.However I am strong because I haven't come face to face with him.Two things could happen,well ok 3 if I'm honest.
I could crumble the second I see his face.
He could end up over the balcony(its ok,he,d survive,its only 2 floors up)
I could hold my head high,tell him to sling his hook and slam the door in his face.
I pray its the third. Only if and when I come face to face will I know how strong this has actually made me and how strong I really am.
As for meeting someone in the future ,erm not sure I really want to.Not because I'm hurt but because I feel I need a long long break and I'm talking in years not months.Single life was fabulous for me years ago and I'm sure it will be now.

caliocat
All my big clothes went a long time ago,the more I lost 3 years ago the more went to the charity shop.However I have kept(and always will) keep the red coat I wore on the first day of joining Slimming World....it was size 24.If I stood up in it the press studs on it stayed closed,if I sat down the press studs would pop open.I think I,ll always keep that coat as a constant reminder never to get to that size ever again.Whenever I'm on a outfit and think I'm fat I put the coat on and it brings me back to my senses.

Supernatural
Your so right,I CAN live without him.This morning I was chucking my many black bin bags out to the communal bin and a neighbour asked me where he was and I simply said"oh hes not here anymore,he left a good few weeks ago" and left it at that.He asked if we had separated and I said a simple yes.He then said "bloody hell what planet is he on?" I just said "oh well ,life goes on I guess"and then we started talking about the noise which was coming from one of the flats last night!!
No tears,no lump in the throat,no nothing,very weird indeed .

DesignNotD...
Those senarios which got you through the bad times are the ones I will have to go through too
"not letting people dictate my grieving period; it's your business and the end of a relationship is like a death so to speak" that one is so true..A few friends who got in touch with me was very blas! about it,it was like "oh forget him and move on" well yes eventually I will do that but 14 years is such a long time to just "move on",only when it happens to them will they understand.
And yes he could be a miserable so and so at times..tight fisted with his money too but when I think about it especially the tight fistedness then I only have myself to blame because I allowed it.Helping with the costs of him living here should of been nipped in the bud right at the very beginning so I'm definatly at fault on that one.
As for New York..........doing my own thing while I was there was fabulous.Yes of course I would of liked him to be with me sharing the experience but as far as he was concerned he said"he couldn't thing of anything worse than looking at Christmas lights" but they were magical!!!
It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I suddenly realised he never did look at my photos or videos of the trip.More fool me for not realisng this at the time.

14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free