Secret Debt

wiltsguy_2 · 20 May 2015 at 7:51AM

Lezconnecting wrote: »

I owe approx 30k and my husband knows nothing about it. He would probably leave me if he did and besides its my fault, my problem and I don't want to ruin his life.

Hi Lezconnecting, are you sure your husband would feel this way? When i had debts i felt the same, but in the end i had to tell my wife as i ran out of excuses of why we were short on money! Once i told her it was a huge relief, we knuckled down and cleared the debts, it was tough but we got through it!

The debts will be better tackled by both of you than just you on your own, if he knew he could also make cuts to his spending and become more thrifty!

-taff · 20 May 2015 at 10:01AM

Would you want to know if it was your partner who owed the debt?

Lezconnecting · 20 May 2015 at 10:03AM

Hi wilts guy,
My hubby is very thrifty and saves every month towards various things. But he trusts me to pay the bills I pay including the mortgage etc. I have a certain amount of disposable income I need to use to start clearing this debt off. I can't tell him at the moment I'm just too scared to do it. It would turn our lives upside down and whilst I have the ability to pay this off myself I don't think it would be a good idea.
Maybe in the future when I've made some inroads into paying it I would feel able to :-(

Lezconnecting · 20 May 2015 at 10:04AM

I suppose what I am saying is he wouldn't be as sympathetic as I would if it was the other way around.

[Deleted User] · 20 May 2015 at 12:24PM

This thread makes my heart break.

I have been that person in debt and keeping things in the dark from my partner, coming clean was the hardest thing I’d ever done as I was terrified of losing him because of stupid mistakes I’d made- but of course he was wonderful and understanding (which is why I love him in the first place) and he helped me work through it and now I am debt free.

My problems weren’t anything like £50k of debt, but any amount of money feels shameful so I know how difficult it is to take that first step and admit it to yourself, never mind anyone else. People on this forum can be very judgemental of others for getting into these situations in the first place, but everyone makes mistakes and once you’re on that dark road of debt it is hard to get off it (and much easier to continue down it!) so I have the upmost respect for anyone who takes that first step.

Every relationship is different but I would stress to anyone who feels that they can’t tell their partner- you must. It won’t be easy and it may even end in a split, but if you love your partner and they (presumably) love you back you owe it to them to be honest. Getting out of debt is a long and difficult journey, and one that you don’t have to go through alone. At some point it will come to light and you will need your partner’s help and support- much better to come clean and now and ask for it rather than keeping them in the dark and putting that support at risk if they feel deceived later on.

Good luck to anyone in this situation, you can get out of it.

ryedweller · 20 May 2015 at 3:28PM

I have been on the other side of this problem. When my partner finally admitted he was 65k in debt and all of a months wages had gone to make minimum payment on credit cards I was devastated. Yes a big row followed
but once I had calmed down I got help from citizens advice and dmp was put in place. The thing I was most upset about was not knowing he had a problem. In my opinion the sooner you tell your partner the better. At least you have a plan in place to rectify the situation.
We are still struggling financially but are still together.
He insisted all the money was repaid so would not go down iva route.
I think if you repay all the money it looks better for mortgage prospects in future than if only part is repaid.
I wish you all the best for the future.

Georgina180590 · 21 May 2015 at 11:55AM

First, big hugs to you its very hard to come clean but she is your girlfriend and you owe it to her to be honest!
I was terrified of telling my boyfriend, and still feel terrible that its another 4 months until we can move out as we were due to move last month but couldnt afford it will all the debt I racked up, but he loves me and he has stood by me.
Tell her the truth - then you won't feel so alone either xx

desperate2save · 31 May 2015 at 8:15AM

My heart is with you

MisterBaxter · 31 May 2015 at 11:46AM

I've been there; I was the one with the debt that I had kept from my wife. When I finally told her it wasn't through choice but necessity as things had come to a point where I couldn't hide it any longer. She was obviously upset and there were definitely some tense moments but together we got through it and from the moment I told her a massive burden was lifted; the debt was still there but the lies weren't.

She often tells me that the thing that upsets her the most was that she didn't know or even suspect that there was a problem; despite being married for several years she didn't suspect a thing and didn't see it coming.

There will come a point where the truth will have to come out and there is little control over the other persons feelings or reactions at that point. The deceit is not easy to get over and even if the relationship continues the trust issues will always be there in the background, it's understandable given how easy it has been to lie and deceive in the past.

Tackling the debt is a start; addressing the causes of the debt is key as this is when you can change your ways.

I am proof that it is possible to come out the other end in tact and with different ethos on credit and spending but it isn't an ride by any means.

OP - I wish you all the best and hope that things work out, the damage is done and now is the time to start picking up the pieces but continuing with the deceit may hold you back from turning things around.

changeforbetter · 10 September 2015 at 5:26PM

I'd like to bring this back up, as it is very pertinent to my current position.

Most of my debt is hidden from my partner, she knows I have some but very little does she know.

One thing perhaps not mentioned that can be crucial in not wanting to reveal is when it has 'happened before' - I am in that position, this is not the first time and there were clear warnings about if it ever happened again.

Very easy for some to say 'come clean' but some of us may risk our partners, and also children doing that. Just come clean? Not so simple.

Secret Debt

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