My husband wants to leave me if I don’t have more children

Faith177 · 7 September 2017 at 1:25PM

Im sorry op but I'm in agreement with the others and would be telling him to take a long walk of a short pier with a lump of cement

Thinking sensibly would you honestly be able to cope with a new born as well as your son? How do you think your son would cope with such a change? Not to mention the stress on the new child?

Also remember some siblings don't end up being close so your son may not have anyone to rely on

Gavin83 · 7 September 2017 at 1:28PM

I don't actually see what her husband has done wrong. He wants more children, nothing wrong with that and he wants a child he can have a normal relationship with, I don't see anything wrong with that either. There is no indication that he would feel anything less for his current son. I'd imagine when people have an idea of what their family will be like and the reality is massively different (as in the case of a disabled child) this really isn't an easy situation to deal with. Yet another topic where I feel if the genders were reversed the opinions would be different.

OP, essentially if he wants more children and considers it a deal breaker and you can't or won't provide this I'm not sure what future there is for this marriage. You need to decide what you want and go from there. He might be applying some pressure but it comes across like you've been discussing this a while with no firm decision and frankly neither of you have long left.

Red-Squirrel_2 · 7 September 2017 at 1:41PM

Gavin83 wrote: »

I don't actually see what her husband has done wrong. He wants more children, nothing wrong with that and he wants a child he can have a normal relationship with

Did you even read the post? Its not as simple as just having another child, it will be very difficult and take a huge toll on the OP, physically and psychologically.

Life doesn't always work out as you think it will, I think its perfectly fine to mourn for the loss of the life you wanted and take some time to come to terms with the different life you've got.

What's not perfectly fine is to decide that you're going to opt out of the life you've got and leave your loving wife to deal with all the stress and practical difficulties of a disabled child alone while you go off without a backward glance to make your 'normal' family'! :mad::mad:

rev229 · 7 September 2017 at 4:25PM

I have a daughter (19) with fragile X. Autism, learning difficulties and epilepsy. She is our 2nd child. We found out that I was the carrier and made the decision not to have any more children. My husband and I were planning a 3rd at the time but decided that we really couldn't cope with another child with issues. It was a heart breaking decision but most definitely the right one. Caring for our daughter has had a huge emotional and physical cost to our lives. It has been really tough not just for us but her older brother was bullied because his sister was different. Other children and their parents are cruel. From her first day at school both her and I were isolated because she was different. We have no friends or family interested in providing support for us. We have managed on our own. My daughter has just recently moved into supported living. She loves it, we love it and for the first time ever we have a normal life. Had she been our first child and I knew what lay ahead we would not have had a second. Having a child with disabilities puts huge pressure on anyone.

rach_k · 7 September 2017 at 4:47PM

I'm so sorry you're in such a horrible situation OP.

Is it possible that your OH is just really desperate for another child and is saying things, hurtful and harmful things, without really meaning them and without thinking of the consequences because he is so desperate? I think people might be more understanding of this if it was the female partner who was yearning for another child, because of how society tells us we feel (and men don't, supposedly). Have these been calm, rational discussions where he has started off saying these things, or have they perhaps started like that but descended into arguments and him then making these threats in the heat of the moment? While I wouldn't suggest that threats like this are acceptable, they may perhaps be understandable. Only you would know this OP! Is he a horrible selfish person or is he a good person saying ridiculous things because he's struggling?

If you took the genetic issues out of the equation, would you want another child and could you manage as a parent? For me, that would be the big issue, assuming that your OH isn't really a horrible person. If you would (and I personally think providing your first child with a sibling/companion is a fair reason, or at least a fair reason amongst several), why not look into options? Have you gone to experts with your OH and really looked into it, or is it just research you've done yourself? Sometimes people need to hear things themselves, from an expert, so although you may already know enough to decide your OH may not feel like he does too.

unholyangel · 7 September 2017 at 5:02PM

Crazy_Diamond wrote: »

He does love his son and accept him but says his would like to experience having a normal family as well e.g. being able to have conversations, play games etc. He does say that if we had another child he would love them both equally.

Tbh your husband sound likes he is possibly having a midlife crisis. This tends to happen when our life doesn't match up with how we imagined/planned it would be.

What I will say is that no one is normal - no one person/family fits into the perfect parameters of what society consider as "normal". Really, its abnormal to be "normal".

I'm mindful of what others have said with regards to who currently does the most care wise etc. All equality seems to have given women is the expectation of them that not only will they still be primary carers, but also have a career on top. If you don't need the money, why are you still working? If you do need the money from your job, can you afford another child?

But, perhaps fostering or adoption may be an option? Theres also the possibility there to have an older child who won't require as much care as a baby or toddler might and may even be able to help you around the house with the easier tasks (not suggesting child labour, just chores that children are normally assigned). I realise adoption isn't for everyone but imo its rather insane how people are hung up on DNA being passed on. Especially when parents with no genetic link to the children can be much better at being a parent to them than their biological one/s.

tikki999 · 7 September 2017 at 5:17PM

Dear OP, how amazing that you are able to reflect and be as coherent and clear with your communication considering how upsetting this must be for you.

What sticks with me is your husband's apparent yearning for a 'normal' family because it sounds like he has some ideal in his head that he wants to go in search of and that ideal, which does not actually exist right now and, most probably, won't ever exist is, seemingly, more important to him than your wellbeing and that of your son.

What I mean is, even if he is a great dad in many ways...actually leaving if you won't provide this 'ideal' means that you and your son will be in an even more challenging situation than you are now that there are 2 of you to look after your son (aside from financial and emotional considerations)

It sounds like a clear, calm, heart to heart is necessary to look at all the practical options and consider the emotional impact of them all...I'm sorry you have been put in this position. I hope you have support around you from other family and friends.

Monika333 · 7 September 2017 at 6:47PM

I absolutely agree. I do understand that you have been together for 15 years, but if your hisband says you that he will leave you because of such a thing, he doesn't give a choice for you, and it is awful. If I were you, I would tell my husband to go away and do what he wants. Maybe he knows you will have to do the way he wants?

Marvel1 · 7 September 2017 at 7:32PM

Crazy_Diamond wrote: »

He does love his son and accept him but says his would like to experience having a normal family as well e.g. being able to have conversations, play games etc. He does say that if we had another child he would love them both equally.

I somehow doubt it.

Loz01 · 7 September 2017 at 8:28PM

Crazy_Diamond wrote: »

He basically said that he wants a ‘proper family’ and that if I do not have another child he will find a surrogate or a new partner. Although he loves our son he wants what he calls a ‘normal child’ and is prepared to leave us to get this.

Sorry but I'd show him the door if he said this to me. How..... staggeringly selfish and thoughtless.

My husband wants to leave me if I don’t have more children

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