silent treatment

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  • I have zero tolerance for Passive Aggression. It took me a long time to understand and recognise it, but it's apparently very common in families of alcoholics. My 2 sisters are the worst for it.

    It's not a healthy basis for a relationship and can have further reaching consequences! I stand by what I said earlier in this thread - you have to confront it.

    If you can't resolve the situation by asking 'what have I done wrong and why are you ignoring me/talking to me like sh1t3? then walk away!!
  • SailorSam
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    I went on a tour a few weeks ago of Liverpool Town Hall. The tour guide Steve Binns knew all the history and told some facinating stories, just what you'd expect maybe, but Steve is blind, and yet still guided us around. I forget all the details, but when showing us all the old paintings, there was one of a Lord Mayor (a couple of hundred years ago), and this guy had an arguement with his wife, about her cat, And she never spoke to him again for the rest of her life, 20 odd years.
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  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367
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    I'd much rather have the silent treatment than a confrontational, everything is black and white, screaming harridan from hell. It's not an attractive trait. Best to get rid.

    This made me laugh! It used to be me! It would normally start trying to get a conversation, but when it felt it was becoming just one sided (because OH didn't see it coming and didn't know how to respond on the spot), the frustration would take over and I would explode, leading to him doing the same before going quiet for a few day, ie. giving the silent treatment!

    So according to this thread, he should have long dumped me, or maybe I should have been quicker and dumped him before he did! I'm pleased to report that instead, we learn to adapt to our different ways and we continue to be very happily married!

    Do people really give up that easily in real life the second they face difficulties? It's no surprise the divorce rate is so low if people consider that unless their relationship is perfect, it is not worth keeping.
  • catkins
    catkins Posts: 5,703
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    Hubby, when we've had a MAJOR row, will go silent for a couple of days but in no way is he narcissistic, passive aggressive or childlike.

    It's his way of dealing with the arguement usually so that he can gather his thoughts so it can be discussed at a later date.

    A couple of DAYS of sulking? No way would I be able to put up with that. I can understand wanting to think things through but not for that length of time.

    Also what exactly is the point of wanting to discuss things at a later date? If you argue about something it should be sorted asap surely?

    My ex boyfriend was a sulker and that drove me mad. I would get more and more angry. He couldn't even just have a calm discussion no he had to sulk.

    Thankfully my OH never sulks. We try to have a calm reasoned talk or argument but, I will be honest, we often shout at each other (me pretty loudly) BUT our arguments are always short and then that's it over and done with.

    Neither of us can stay angry with the other for long and we normally end up just laughing. Even if I feel furious about something I just can't stay angry with him.

    We used to have friends where the husband was a sulker. He would quite often not speak to his wife for weeks on end. I think the longest was about 2 months! They are not still together
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  • -taff
    -taff Posts: 14,423
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    FBaby wrote: »
    One thing that I have learned in my marriage is that empathy and compromise is what a relationship prosper.


    Only if both partners are doing it.
    Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...
  • catkins wrote: »
    A couple of DAYS of sulking? No way would I be able to put up with that. I can understand wanting to think things through but not for that length of time.

    Also what exactly is the point of wanting to discuss things at a later date? If you argue about something it should be sorted asap surely?

    My ex boyfriend was a sulker and that drove me mad. I would get more and more angry. He couldn't even just have a calm discussion no he had to sulk.

    Thankfully my OH never sulks. We try to have a calm reasoned talk or argument but, I will be honest, we often shout at each other (me pretty loudly) BUT our arguments are always short and then that's it over and done with.

    Neither of us can stay angry with the other for long and we normally end up just laughing. Even if I feel furious about something I just can't stay angry with him.

    We used to have friends where the husband was a sulker. He would quite often not speak to his wife for weeks on end. I think the longest was about 2 months! They are not still together

    See on the rare occasions when it's happened I don't see it as sulking - I see it as him.processing the cause if the arguement so that we can discuss the it rationally. As I said it's only ever happened over really major issues so I don't have an issue with it.

    If he did this every time we disagreed about something I would see your point but he doesn't.
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511
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    edited 8 October 2016 at 11:08PM
    Two days to process is a bit ridiculous especially when teamed with refusing to speak to you . I think you are making excuses for him. He's not processing he's just refusing to allow you a say and making it clear he has zero respect for your position.its a power game to control you .
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  • Gloomendoom
    Gloomendoom Posts: 16,550
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    If the silent treatment is regarded as passive aggression, is confrontation regarded as active aggression?
  • 74jax
    74jax Posts: 7,921
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    edited 9 October 2016 at 9:45AM
    Hubby, when we've had a MAJOR row, will go silent for a couple of days but in no way is he narcissistic, passive aggressive or childlike.

    It's his way of dealing with the arguement usually so that he can gather his thoughts so it can be discussed at a later date.

    If we have something that we both can't see eye to eye on and it's at the point of a full blown argument (I'm trying to think of an example but can't right now) then I tend to say 'just leave me alone' and either stomp off or hubby will go on computer etc. Rather than both shout at each other. BUT it's for maybe 15-20mins. Then I'll go and speak to him or he'll find me and ask of I'm OK now. Then we talk about it.

    If I was silent for TWO DAYS??? then hubby wouldn't get his say either. By the time we spoke it would be old news. How do you eat, sleep, love around each other for that length of time?

    I prefer to calm down, then talk rather than shout, then put it behind us, an hour or two later job done. Not two days later??
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
  • I know people through around "abuse" quite easily these days but I do see this as emotional abuse.


    If he is ignoring you to punish you then that's not right. I understand people need time to think and reflect but a few days is a long time.


    If he ignores your calls/text, what would happen if you had an accident and needed him?


    Some people sadly will never change so if you've spoken to him about it then you either need to accept his behaviour or move on.


    If you accept the behaviour my tips would be try not to contact him at all. If you do then he can be given the power to ignore you more. Give him the space he wants.


    Keep yourself busy with a hobby, catching up with friends or exercise to take your mind off it.


    Don't give him any more power to punish you!!!
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