Can't afford to stay in a relationship

Lostformoney wrote: »

I simply cannot read through all the comments since they are filled with such horrible judgements and assumptions that frankly are wrong.

We couldn't afford to stay together, it wasn't a choice I was making but a cause for why we split up. I love him more than he will ever understand but he just didn't have any way of supporting us and the kids were faced with homelessness if I didn't do something. We were left with £5.50 per month before food if we paying everything we had to.

We have moved out and we have been rehoused in a temp council house, we are waiting on a section of new builds to finish completion in August where a wheelchair accessible property is available. My ex has moved in with his Aunt near his work, however he's waiting news back of a flat so the kids can stay.

And he's not in the armed forces either for the person who said that I've not posted before.

Can I remind you again, I suffer anxiety and depression and so far have been very upset by what I've read - please be kind.

My overpayment of tax credits payment has came down so I have more to manage with now and the house will be a much lower rental than private so it's all looking really good for us at the moment. Finally feeling like head is absolutely be water.

Thank you everyone that's gave genuine, non judgemental and thoughtful advice.

Also the kids are doing great, we live near my family now so much more support and they start their new school on Monday

No. I am not going to pat you on the head and say there, there. What you have done is morally reprehensible - you've put money ahead of the 'man you love', you've deprived your children of a close relationship with their father and you're both looking to secure council housing.

A truly loving relationship means that you work together through the tough times. In my 25 year relationship, we've endured unemployment, leading to debt and bankruptcy. We had to deal with mental health problems leading to more unemployment, rent arrears which lead us nearly losing our home and benefits overpayments. We stuck together and worked through it. We raised our children as a unit; we might not have been able to give them big, expensive toys at Christmas, but they were fed, clothed, had a roof over their heads and most importantly were loved and raised by both of us.

Your children might still see their father, but do not think for a moment that they'll have the same relationship they'd have had living with him. You have always been very reluctant to tell us what your income and outgoings are, so we've been unable to advise. Knowing the benefit system as I do I have no doubt at all with some honest and open dialogue, with the help of MSE and other debt professionals you could have kept your family together. You CHOSE not to put the work in and took the easy way out. You don't love that man - if you did you wouldn't have dumped him on his @rse with all the debt. I also feel desperately sorry for your children. This wasn't a decision made with their needs in mind.

So, no. I do not condone your actions.

Simply put, it is not the amount of money you have coming in to the household but how you spend and manage that money.

If you overspend then you will more than likely get in debt and should not be helped out with benefits.

Lanzarote1938 wrote: »

When the OP gets her permanent council house I expect the partner will move in with her. I think this is just a temporary split until they have wrung the most they can out of the benefit system.

This is exactly what I'd started typing! Indeed, I believe this is exactly what has been planned. OP will say how she loved her husband too much, that he couldn't cope staying away from the family, and not long after they have their perfect council home, he will be planning to move back in, bringing back the car that OP is using her PIP to finance for his benefit since she can't use it and still has to pay for taxi so their kids go to school...

Lostformoney wrote: »

It wasn't just that we would be better off, I wasn't entitled to a lot of help until I was a single parent, housing as an example had no interest before - the rent we paid for a suitable home being the biggest cost of all, but also school taxis and dinners etc all of which I get help with now. Hospital transport and even uniform grants.

I find it disgusting that because of the system I had to end my relationship just to survive leaving my ex in debt trying to keep us afloat through it all. And I won't be getting into another relationship until I'm working either

I am at a loss to know why it is the benefits system that is at fault here and not the fact that your husband cannot support his family (adequately, or at least to the level of the lifestyle you deem suitable) and the choices you made as a family.

The benefits system is a safety net not a lifestyle choice. The benefits you receive for your disability (with an able bodied spouse) should be an add on to the family finances not the framework that props it up.

I really do think that sometimes as adults we have to step back and look at how we contributed to a situation we find ourselves in, and how, with different choices another outcome may have been likely. It is so much easier to blame everyone else.....

There are some parts of the OP's comments in this thread that I find extremely hard to believe. It reads as if it has been written by someone who doesn't understand what being disabled in the ways they say they are actually mean. For example someone who has to use a wheelchair cannot climb into a bath even with help.