Keeping Money and Family Separate

Sea_Shell wrote: »

Like i said that was a hypothetical situation....just an example of the sort of thing that can be quite draining, both mentally and financially.

I wouldn't necessarily accept offer of payment towards fuel etc. but it would be nice to be offered!! If I were the one wanting others to go out of their way for me, I would be offering, regardless of the financial situation of the person helping.

I was really trying to get at how people are treated differently within families, based whether you have money or not. and if you do...things are assumed.

Anyway, i guess i was just wanting a bit of a rant....but i can't post the specifics, as we have a very unique and strange family dynamic when it comes to finances...and they'd recognise themselves immeditately if i told the whole story (and if they read it - i'd be mortified)

I love them, but they take up too much of my headspace with their financial dramas....and i have a feeling i'm going to be left holding the financial can somewhere down the line.

I'd like to be able to just see them and spend time with them, without there being an alterior motive that seems to end up costing me money!

:rotfl:

Yes this sounds very familiar.

Lover_of_Lycra wrote: »

I'm not sure. It used to bother me that they never say thank you. It does irk me slightly that they're not in the least bit shy about how much they order in restaurants or suggest a restaurant that is a bit pricey. For example, a couple of years ago I invited my family to the panto, I invited them so I paid for all the tickets - no problem there. My mum then offered to take everyone out for dinner afterwards and suggested a Frankie and Benny's type place but instead my brother wants to go to some fancier and therefore more expensive Italian restaurant. They're not shy about ordering beer, wine, etc but guess who the designated drivers are...mum and I.

I've never done it again. I don't quite know how to feel about it because on one hand I think they take the Michael but on the other if we are going out as a family I do want them to enjoy themselves.

Dad has a significant birthday coming up this year and I think he would like a family meal at his favourite restaurant so I might just have to suck it up. It doesn't help that eating meals with them is like feeding time at the zoo. No table manners whatsoever.

But you dont need to take responsibility for everything - I mean, don't be the designated driver, get a taxi or have a drink and relax - I mean they are all adults and should be able to get themselves home safely. It is not your problem who enjoys themselves and who doesnt

I really dislike the expectation that I will leave my money to anyone in particular when I die. I earned it, I'll leave it to whomever I want (or even spend it all!) I'm unmarried with no kids and I'm sure certain members of the family are probably rubbing their hands at the thought of a windfall when I croak.

Having said that, if I planned to leave it all to charity and leave all F&F out of my will, I'd want to explain why before the unexpected happens. Similarly, if there were anything that were "uneven" (e.g., leaving more to one nephew than to another), I'd probably either explain it beforehand or explain it to the executors.

I think wills are the biggest source of grief because the cause of any perceived unfairness is deceased, so you can't ask Why. And like it or not, uneven treatment can be perceived as saying something about how much you liked one person over another.

At least with the living, you can talk out perceived injustices.

dunroving wrote: »

Have to agree with this. Some people put up with crap and moan about it rather than sticking up for themselves (not referring to the OP there).

I know several friends and family who no longer give money to people who don't know how to say Thank You. I've loaned money to friends in the past and despite several, "Oh, I must pay you back that 50 quid" episodes, I never saw it again. Guess what? The money is written off and no further loans ... (I've given plenty of cash gifts also, but there is a distinct difference between a loan and a gift).

It's often posted on these boards that you should never lend money unless you're prepared to never see it again. I agree.


I'd never been asked for a loan until a few months back. I told the person concerned to consider it a gift. She was embarrassed at having to ask but I have to say that she's gone down in my estimation at putting herself in that position. Basically she'd given up a job before getting another one (against my advice which was asked for at the time) and then found it tough without a pay cheque for a month or so. I know while she and her DH were both working they had plenty of money coming in so shouldn't have been living month to month. Obviously living beyond their means.


So, to come back to OP. Yes, I'd still drive the MIL around and give her lunch or whatever (provided you can afford it) but I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Don't forget though, you're in control of the situation. If you want to stop you can, just like if my 'friend' gets into a mess again through drifting from job to job I don't need to help out.

maman wrote: »

I get the point about your brother choosing a more expensive restaurant. That's up to your mum to speak up if she only wants to pay for a chain. But surely you'd have still been the designated drivers whichever restaurant you went to?

Yes my mum should have put her foot down but for an easy life she just says yes. It happened a lot when we were young which is why I guess he still throws tantrums as an adult. For example, when I took them on on holiday he had a massive tantrum at the airport which was all my fault apparently. I like getting to the airport in plenty of time whereas my brother flies by the seat of his pants and is known to regularly miss busses, trains, planes, turn up late for job interviews, etc. I don't smoke so it didn't register with me that there is nowhere to smoke after security at this particular airport. Him not being able to have a cigarette was all my fault because I got them to the airport "too early."

I end up being the designated driver because my parents live in a small village where public transport, particularly in the evenings, is poor and whilst we could get a taxi my dad is one of those people who has an issue with using taxis (waste of money etc etc). When I come to visit I stay with my parents so it's a taxi or someone drives. My dad can't see well enough to drive at night and when my dad is a passenger in their car my mum is a nervous wreck driving so I end up doing it. My brother's family live elsewhere and yes should really be paying for their own transportation but then if I'm taking my car (with dad as a passenger) she will drive her car.