An update on me

calleyw wrote: »

I have to say I think everyone and I include myself in that, have wasted our time.

No one who wants to get better forgets to get in contact with people who can support them and then give lame excuses as to why. I forgot. Means its not that important.

Until Dekaspace learns that no one is interested in hearing the same story about a murder from 20 years for the 100th time why they don't want to be friends. He is never going to learn. I get with the autism its makes a bit harder.

No one wants to be friends with people who moan all the time. He even moans about his own friends. But he does not seem to be able to go oh my that's what I do. And learn from it.

He has the power to change his life but chooses not. And thats cool. I found it strange that he posted this thread in the first. An update on me. Kinda want to ask why?

This thread will run and run as Dekaspace will always come back with reply. Think its best to leave it now. As he really does need professional help. And his choice to seek it out or not.

Best of luck what ever you do.

Yours

Calley x

Please read again, I did contact but the different people as I assumed they meant something totally different

Insulting to say "lame" excuses.

If I had zero intentions I would never of attempted anything, I have moved to this area for work, away from the support of family as its a area with no real work, and high rents, I go to college and have attempted education other times in past few years.

And just goes to show people don't focus on what has been done in the past, if I had zero intention to get help I wouldn't of basically begged GP for counselling, I wouldn't of asked for CBT, I wouldn't of asked for CPN, I wouldn't of asked for job coach, I wouldn't of asked for social work support, I wouldnt of filled in that 40 page application for social housing and phoned up pestering, I would still be in a property with a collapsed ceiling.

The point is though when I have a low I basically curl in a ball its like having a literal hangover I feel so miserable and that in the moment takes up the time and energy, when I feel better I do things.

I mean if you looked at the words SAMH and SAMM isn't it clear that they look so similar so someone might of made a mistake?

And by the way to let you know I was going to contact them today, on my first day off this week, and the form for SAMH was in my bag Wednesday but an appointment I had ran over so I didn't have the time.

I was scatterbrained before so imagine what its like now, I have terrible short term memory but I can remember things as far back as 30 years ago as if they were yesterday, the times I do remember for the charity is like when im already in town, would take assuming I walked on a bus instantly, picked up form instantly got back on bus instantly 40 minues, but more likely at least a hour if not close to 2 hours due to traffic and unreliable buses, and considering the charity closes at 4pm every day doesn't give much chance.

My brain and this is the autism follows a pattern of pure logic, years ago before the issues (hard to word since it may "bring up" the past events) I remember people offering me to go to a party even implying that it was a certainty that I would not come home alone, and I would get free drinks all night, I would say no as I felt tired, that is even knowing that its a good thing to go for my social life my brain saw logic as health comes first.

Did you know I have been speaking to CALM online quite a few times? I tend to leave it to when I am at my worst though, if I wasn't bothered I wouldn't speak to them.

By the way the murder was nowhere near 20 years ago, considering I said it happened in my 20s do you think I am in my 40's? Especially when I talked about being at school in the mid 90s.

That is treating me like stupid, I mean if someone who doesn't know the history of me for example says "well you say you can't do X" or "why don't you try Y" I need to explain that I have already done them where is the line?

By the way I NEVER bring up the murder to strangers in real life, only a friend I made at the time and one I already knew even knows about it

I mean !!!!!! how many times do I have to make it clear

I AM DIFFERENT IN REAL LIFE THAN ONLINE!!!

In the real world I am quiet and timid and thats part of the problem, people pass their own problems onto me and I end up being the sponge which makes me feel worse, so I talk about it on places like this because that way I don't have to upset people to their face.

The friends I have had over the years often become long term ones once I get past the first hurdle which is first impressions, as I am timid and shy/nervous they assume me to be boring once I chat to someone they realise im a interesting person hence like I say I get invited to parties but problem is I don't want to do things like that, other times its like because I am timid and not interacting with others they again assume im not interested in hanging around with them, and age plays a part in that too as obviously at college many people are in late teens and very early 20s they don't invite me but as soon as I make it known I am interested I get invited all the time again and if I then take it further I have the opportunity of hanging around with them all the time inc after class.

I can understand them, even historically seeing this shy nervous nerdy guy and assuming im not interested in going to a pub and club and partying, but it was more so that I was but alongside everyday things rather than every night.

So yes as I have said and keep saying I am a different person online than in person, if anyone on here met me in person they would assume I am a totally different person