Daughter....found morning after pill, disappointed. Advice.

alittleworried · 9 September 2017 at 10:18PM

Okay take 2, lost last post ahhh.

I'm a long term poster, don't know why..but just don't want to use my other username, silly really but...here goes. Please don't be harsh I know she's a adult.

My daughter met new people during the summer and became a different person, wasn't in touch for days and when I called was abrupt. She can do what she wants etc. We have very few rules when they are old enough. Just let us know if your coming home, what time etc a little respect etc. Anyway she decided she was moving out, gutted inside but she's 19. We said if you need anything just ask your welcome back anytime.

Anyway she wanted us to be guarantor we couldn't, we have enough to get by, couldn't afford to loose thousands. This was explained nicely.

Came home then it was going to a festival for 4 days, free tickets etc. I had doubts due to her behaviour, dad against it, I said she'll be fine, behave. She went, best time ever etc. I was happy she enjoyed herself.

Yesterday, recovering cutlery and plates from her and my other daughters room her bag fell over zip was open out fell ellaone think it was called, morning after pill. Absolutely gutted. This is due to the fact I think this was a after thought and she could have got it sooner. As I know what she done that week.

I am scared incase it was to late, I was a young mum 2 kids at 19. If it happened when I think she might just have got it on time. I am disappointed as after a scare years ago, I have drummed it into her about safe sex and about condom and other birth control and how to get them,plus about diseases and how many people they've slept with etc. The other birth control was in relation to using condoms to.

I am going to speak to her on Monday, when it's just us..I am hurt and scared, I haven't told her dad. She thinks something was up last night but I said I was tired. She goes to college and works, I don't know what to think my brain is in overload.

Please no nasty comments, I know she's a adult but she still stays here. .

lika_86 · 9 September 2017 at 10:28PM

The timescales of your post seem unclear, but if she's been and got the morning after pill then it sounds like she is being careful to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. She might have been using a condom and it split or something. If your concern is that she took the pill too late then you need to speak to her about it.

Ultimately though, she is an adult and can make her own decisions. She might be living at home but you need to treat her like a grown up - get her to bring her own plates downstairs and allow her to take responsibility for the consequences of her decisions. Whether or not you would allow her to stay in your house if she ended up pregnant is a matter for you.

iammumtoone · 9 September 2017 at 10:37PM

alittleworried wrote: »

I have drummed it into her about safe sex and about condom and other birth control and how to get them

Then you have done a good job as she has listened about the birth control. Ok so she didn't practice safe sex (or it failed) everyone has been there, heat of the moment, forgotten to take pill, perhaps she had taken pill but was sick.

She is 19 and whilst you weren't deliberately snooping you should never have found out about this.

I would not say anything and leave alone. Morning after pill does not have to be taken the morning after some can work up to 5 days later, just because you found a packet you do not know when she has taken them.

PasturesNew · 9 September 2017 at 10:40PM

Maybe a mate said "Not used this, can you hang onto it ... my mum goes through my bags"

*max* · 9 September 2017 at 10:40PM

Disappointed? Please do not tell her that, she's not a child.

1/ the pill may well have been because a condom split/got stuck. It happens. And she was being responsible in taking it. Assuming she does not have special needs, there is no reason to think she did anything wrong. She knows when to take it/how long after it's effective. If she still does get pregnant, there are other options, and she's most likely aware of them.

2/I don't tend to believe the whole "bag fell off, out slipped the one thing that might have been incriminating to you". Still, if true, you have no business going into her room and moving things around. I assume she's either a student or giving you some kind of keep. Even if not, stay out of her room. She's an adult.

3/ There is no reason to be disappointed in her. She obviously took charge of the situation she was in.

If you want to have a nice mum/daughter chat about contraception/STDs, feel free. But please don't go into in all weepy and "this is so disappointing". Treat her like the adult she is.

alittleworried · 9 September 2017 at 10:42PM

Thanks for your reply, my concern was she didn't get it on time. Let's say the festival was Thursday returning home Monday, she got it the Friday after, when she could have got it any day in between then.

I know she's a adult and would have to deal with the consequences if it never worked and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Yes, I will be speaking to her...but I am scared and nervous just now. I wouldn't abandon her,I've been there.

Loz01 · 9 September 2017 at 10:44PM

This seems a bit of a tricky situation but at least she has the common sense to have obtained the morning after pill. I would be honest, tell her you were cleaning and her bag fell over and the pills fell out.

Tell her what you've said here, you were a Mum of 2 at 19 and you wouldn't want her to go through that without having accomplished a lot more (no offence OP, i don't mean you haven't had a fulfilled life lol Im sure you have) but obviously getting pregnant at 19 isn't ideal if she is at college etc.

elsien · 9 September 2017 at 10:52PM

What do you want to achieve by talking to her?
Recalling my own somewhat turbulent teenage years, my mum did the "I accidentally found..." routine. I didn't believe her then, and I don't believe her in retrospect.
In your daughter's place I would have been furious at the snooping and I would have shut down the conversation before it got started. Then resented the lack of privacy for a long time after.
You know your daughter. Is she likely to want to have that conversation or is she just going to be very !!!!ed off wth you for the foreseeable?

alittleworried · 9 September 2017 at 10:53PM

Pasturesnew, I wasn't snooping and it was written out in her name. Thanks.

Max, I wouldn't say I'm disappointed, thank you for the reply. I think I'm nervous/scared just now. I had told her days before about the dishes, she shares a room, yeah she pays a little keep but I needed the teaspoons back, I had asked. It was a unintentionally find. We have had the talk for many years.

alittleworried · 9 September 2017 at 11:00PM

Elsien, I did accidently find it. You can insinuate what you wish, that wasn't the case here.

What I want to find out did she take it on time. I do care.

Loz, thank you and your right she has a great future in front of her and yes life has been hard for me, 2 at 19 but we're okay. I want her to have more if that's the right way of putting it.

iammumtoone · 9 September 2017 at 11:02PM

How do you know what day she got it?

If you are looking a a prescription label then she has clearly spoken to a doctor and not just gone to the chemist.

If she is sensible enough to go to the doctor why would she lie to them about the date she had sex? the doctor then gave her what she needed on the information provided. It doesn't make sense, it seems to me she has it all under control.

Daughter....found morning after pill, disappointed. Advice.

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