Saw more messages between BF and ex. He told her he wants them to be together...

trey101 · 19 March 2017 at 5:15AM

Hi all,

I posted here last month and have an update to my story. I'm pretty gutted and could do with some advice.

I'm a gay male and my boyfriend of 6 months is bisexual. He had recently left his long-term girlfriend when we got together.

In my previous thread, I was concerned about some messages between and BF and his ex. All the advice on here was very much appreciated. Sadly I've still had insecurities and tonight I've looked at his phone while he was sleeping. (He has a passcode but I watched him enter it to find out what it was).

My gut instincts were correct as there were many more messages between him and the ex. Just the other day he texted her saying he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are. She didn't say much, she just said she wants him to be happy. He told her he's happy with me but it wasn't that simple.

I don't know how I was able to keep it all without telling him that I saw them. I just walked home and made up some excuse that I had a migraine, and now I'm posting on here... he's texting asking if I'm okay and I don't know how much longer I can hold it in.

At least he didnt tell her he was miserable with me, that's something I guess. But he said he wants to be with her... I just... what am I meant to think after seeing that? Some advice would be appreciated. I don't know what to do. I love this man.

thorsoak · 19 March 2017 at 7:10AM

Sorry Trey - I'm one of the majority who warned you about this in your previous thread.

You asked what should you do? Walk away. Because you love someone does not mean that you can make that person love you back in the same way. Possibly he wants you both - but don't let him hurt you - or this woman - any more. Have some dignity and end things yourself.

pinkshoes · 19 March 2017 at 7:11AM

That he wants to be with her?

Sounds to me like you are the rebound and he still misses his ex.

you are clearly insecure and not ready for a relationship.

move on with your life and be happy on your own before attempting another relationship.

20aday · 19 March 2017 at 8:02AM

My advice OP? Walk away and don't look back, that's for sure.

It sounds as if he's ended his previous relationship and moved on too quickly and rather than dealing with the issues surrounding that separation you've come along and "something is better than nothing".

FBaby · 19 March 2017 at 8:16AM

Just the other day he texted her saying he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are

This doesn't much sense. It sounds to me that he is giving her signals that he is prepared to go back to her, but is waiting for her to take the initiatives of suggesting he dumps you and get back with her so he doesn't take the risk of finding himself without her or you and also this way feeling a little less guilty because he didn't make the first move.

The reality is that you are currently being hurt by a situation you have no control over. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you are prepared to sit on the side, waiting to see what happened, being mentally tortured during that time just in case they don't get back together and therefore stays with you by default even though all the signs are there to suggest that it is just a question of time before they are back together?

At least you would feel a bit better if you were in control of ending the relationship yourself and more likely to be able to move on quicker, however hard it is to do.

indiepanda · 19 March 2017 at 10:10AM

pinkshoes wrote: »

That he wants to be with her?

Sounds to me like you are the rebound and he still misses his ex.

you are clearly insecure and not ready for a relationship.

move on with your life and be happy on your own before attempting another relationship.

Seems a bit harsh to suggest the OP is clearly insecure and not ready for a relationship - the fault here is predominantly in the behaviour of the boyfriend. Anyone who saw all the signs of what his boyfriend is doing and didn't feel insecure in the relationship as a result would be delusional. If he had met someone who was committed to being with him and not still hung up on his ex then I imagine he'd be feeling very different.

To the OP, I know you love this guy and have feelings for him but my advice would be get out quick before you get any more hurt. It seems like this guy is staying with you until such time as his ex girlfriend makes it clear she's willing to forgive him for breaking up with her and getting into a new relationship. Why should he get to have his cake and eat it? Guaranteed to have someone loving him either way. What about you? You deserve someone whose heart isn't elsewhere.

I have had to break up with someone I still loved who wasn't treating me with the same love and respect I gave them and I know how hard it can be, but I am not sorry I did it. It was a relief really, once I'd got over the initial pain.

Pollycat · 19 March 2017 at 11:18AM

Hi trey
Really sorry you've found this out - but better now than later.

trey101 wrote: »

Just the other day he texted her saying he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are. She didn't say much, she just said she wants him to be happy. He told her he's happy with me but it wasn't that simple.

That's a contradiction in my eyes.

How can he be happy with you if he's telling someone else he wants to be with them?

He's either lying to you, her or both of you.
And you both deserve better.

I'd confront him and be prepared for declarations of undying love etc.
But ask yourself if you can really ever trust someone who tells you he is happy with you but tells someone else he wants to be with them.

Put on your Nikes and run for the hills.

emsywoo123 · 19 March 2017 at 2:18PM

indiepanda wrote: »

I have had to break up with someone I still loved who wasn't treating me with the same love and respect I gave them and I know how hard it can be, but I am not sorry I did it. It was a relief really, once I'd got over the initial pain.

I am in the process of doing this right now and man alive, it is incredibly hard. To walk away from someone you love, who you admire and would have given everything for.... it is a toughie.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"... You may not believe it right now, but you *are* worth more. Worth someone loving you as you love them, and melt your insecurities away.

I do not know if I am talking to the OP or myself anymore :rotfl: Stay strong, this too shall pass.

emmatthews · 19 March 2017 at 5:40PM

I'm sorry but I think he will dump you if she gives any indication that she will take him back.

I would end things with him now, he's not committed to you.

lobbyludd · 19 March 2017 at 10:47PM

In many ways it doesn't matter what his inner thoughts and motivations are re his ex.

You don't trust him. If you did you wouldn't be looking at his messages. this is a relatively new relationship and throughout it all you haven't felt at ease, and as if you can trust him. That could either be because your gut is telling you he's not that into you, or because you have trust issues, or a bit of both - however, what scenario would make this better for you? If he confessed to having feelings for her would that make everything alright? if he said there was nothing there would you trust him? I can't imagine an outcome where you would feel that everything is good.

basically you have to either trust that he wants to be with you and stop checking his phone (this will only work if you can truly put all this behind you and live in the moment) OR end it, because this isn't making you happy.

System · 19 March 2017 at 10:52PM

he knows he wants them to be together but the fact he ended it and found someone else so quickly is something he could never forgive himself for, and that is the reason things are the way they are.

In other words your a mistake.:eek:

Saw more messages between BF and ex. He told her he wants them to be together...

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