Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

I can see why your husband is so angry, you have deceived him.

You need to take responsibility for your actions.

If you are feeling so down about the situation you have got yourself into then find a way to deal with it, you are supposed to be a grown up.

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and concentrate on all the positive things that are going on, such as you have a job, not homeless etc.

hi there
Sorry to butt into this thread....
Can I please just say that your husband does have every right to be angry, I know you might not think it now and it will be a mixture of you feeling extremely guilty, that if he wasnt angry, then I would be then be worried....
Simply because I was in a similar situation with my husband, and after a bit, whilst i was studying I stopped getting angry, the things he did to me and my daughter, could have very nearly got me sacked, lost my place at uni too and homeless....
for the last time that he did something to me, I did notice I wasnt angry, simply put, I no longer cared. On the day of my graduation I left him.
Your husband will be feeling a bit of threat to himself and that of your marriage and the only way you can fix this, is by being brutally honest with him and yourself I mean everything, you now have to be honest about everything.
(My husband was not honest with me) it was only a couple of years down the line when he finally realised that i was not going back, that it all came out what was really happening.
I never went back to him and although we do get on now, he never got the help he needed, and he continues to go down his same path every so often. I left him because his words did not match his actions and that was the top and bottom of it, I know that people make mistakes, and in marriage you give lots of chances because of love....but I did eventually leave him - I was married to him for 15 years!
For you, you really need to be brutally honest with yourself, you may think you have depression, but it could be a touch of bi-polar and I am sorry to be so brutal, it might be something that is not being sorted out and you could do with going to see a private CBT specialist...have you ever had this before?
In marriage or any relationship, it is never perfect, my husbands problem was that he could not take on board what he was doing was really effecting us.
I did leave him, because it just got so bad that it was making me ill, IF he had got some help, and I would have fully supported him, but he didnt and so I had to leave him.
The fact that you have recognised something in yourself here, its a good thing, it means that you want to fix it, and so you and your husband will be OK.
You have obviously apologised, you have done your bit, but now your actions now need to be sorted out and as your husband has a right to be angry, you also have a right to have a chance to get something sorted out.
whatever it is that is wrong with you, it is not your fault but you do need to get some support.
I apologise for rambling on, but I have been through this very similar thing and there is help out there for you.
Do not be ashamed of yourself too, you are on the way to getting better just by admitting it, is your step in the right direction.

Much love
LL

Lancashirelass1 wrote: »

you could do with going to see a private CBT specialist...have you ever had this before?

This is something that could be worth seeking out - if you are going to your doctor with suicidal thoughts (please say you have gotten an appointment now?) then they may well suggest CBT anyway, but it sounds like your money tendencies could very much benefit from being discussed in this way - after all, this is a negative, cyclical behaviour, and CBT is all about cognitive behaviours that need addressing to help your wellbeing. You need to address your relationship with money in all its complexities and move forward with your life. Having your debit card taken away from you is never going to fix your underlying problems, long term.

None of us can tell you what your underlying cause of all this is - perhaps you don't even know (I doubt your health issues are completely to blame) but a good weekly talking therapy in CBT will unearth some truths that you definitely need to work through. And I would keep these private, if you wish, until you have 'come out the other side'. I had CBT about 10 years ago - for something very different to this however - and it was, frankly, amazing. Also terrifying. But very good.

As an aside; the 'him taking away your debit card issue' - as others have stated, I don't think this is practical or healthy on any level. However, you do need to meet him halfway; have you considered letting him access a 'view' of your accounts? Giving him your internet banking logins is probably a bad idea... but there are apps out there that give you a 'read only' view of all your finances in one place. There's one I use for example called Money Dashboard. He could download it, you can log in all your accounts (don't give him the passwords) and then he can see everything -your total CC debt (scary) and all your current account transactions and CC repayments, so he can 'monitor' your progress and what you are genuinely spending. Being accountable like this might make you think twice every time. OR - you download it yourself and send him weekly screenshots?

Of course, this does come under the umbrella of him being fairly controlling so.. proceed with caution. Especially in light of his current mood. You are in a serious situation so I suppose serious actions and consequences must occur. It depends how much of your own control you are willing to sacrifice to show that you are making amends. Only you or those very close to you can decide how much of his behaviour is acceptable in this situation, or not.

p.s. first post but I've been following your story for a while. Good luck and positive thoughts x

Can we be very careful here before we start suggesting OP's husband is a bully/abusing her. I'm not sure it's helpful to OP either. How many of us, honestly and hand on heart, would not be very angry indeed in his shoes. He's had a hell of a shock. No, she hasn't murdered anyone or had an affair. But let's not forget this is a very serious debt problem for the second time, as OP has explained, and not an occasional overspend. Why he should be expected to behave like his normal self, having only been informed a few days ago, is beyond me. I doubt he can even think straight right now.

OP needs to give him time to deal with his feelings, and get to a calmer place so they can have some sensible and thoughtful discussions about possible ways forwards. So can we cut OP's husband a bit of slack here with what is more likely (unless OP tells us differently) some uncharacteristic behaviour at present.