The Illuminative Project.

Scott_Weiland_2 · 16 January 2017 at 4:11AM

Chandelier. wrote: »

Scott I'm currently on 500mg. I was on 300mg but then titrated up once again to 400mg then 500mg. I have to say I've noticed a big difference in moods but more like no longer 'mixed affective state'. I'm more hyper at this moment in time and want to do lots of things. Exercise is helping and giving me a different sort of feeling. I'll only know long term how beneficial this is once I stick to a good routine. I don't want to become obsessed and over do it.

I guess I can only see what is said in next couple of reviews with consultant. I am trying to make small changes in my life. I just need to rememeber its for the long term, not short term.

At the moment I want to get back to work. However I've to wait until all necessary appointments/reviews are over. We'll most likely look at a different shift pattern for me and cut my hours down. Finances are having impact whilst being off, but I'm trying not to worry. My savings are there just in case. It's what they are there for. I just need to remind myself that.

Yesterday was a bit of a spendy day. I brought myself a new pair of leggings, t-shirt and hooded top. £20 spent there so not too bad and my wardrobe is looking bare. A while back I threw a load of things that no longer fit out.

Today is a day of rest, until I meet with my friend later.

I'll try get on laptop and post recipes for buttermilk chicken.

I cant imagine what 500mg is like but i know i would probably sleep days on end at that dose lol

New gym gear/running is always good my personal vice is running clothes by Salomon i hadnt bought myself any gym clothes or any clothes in months pre my break up. I went on a bit of a spending spree when i got my december pay.

Have a look at this little lot

http://www.startfitness.co.uk/brands/salomon?gender=13&limit=80

re the meds just see how you get on my issue was i think more my environment not being as i was diagnosed. I was living in a very very stressful environment ( ie ex partner who was not supportive,idiot neighbours, money issues) had i stayed i would have no doubts that in 3-4 months i would of crashed again.

Sticking too routine is a hard one, i blew my lid a bit when i came into work tonight and it was like walking into a gestapo camp. We have moved onto a different floor , and when i walked in we were told where too sit bits of paper were on the desks with our names on where we had too sit. The managers are making us sit in intact teams i had half my team at work really really !!!!!y people or boring people who sit for hours on end and talk about golf. I wouldn't talk too these people out of work its that bad.

Stick at the training it will help!

If you can set a goal do it ie i wanna drop so much weight or run my first 10km or a half marathon etc.

I am signed up for a full marathon in April and i am training 4-5 days a week for it

Chandelier. · 16 January 2017 at 9:06AM

Thanks Bob. Definitely understand it. I struggle to buy new things for myself but don't for the boy if you see what I mean? Although I'm hoping to find a better balance with this along with paying off rest of 'debt'. Hope you're well I'll pop over to your diary and catch uo afterwards.

Scott.. 500mg is pretty sedating at night. I struggle with sleep at times so it does help, I just have to time it right. I'm glad I no longer do night shifts as I don't think I'd cope. During some of my 'manic' times I would book lots of extra shifts to work, especially night shifts which had a massive effect on my sleep/moods. At the time I wasn't even bothered about the money it was all about keeping myself busy and seeing how far I could push myself- not good.

I get what you mean in regards to environment though. Looking back I can see where I was in many toxic environments/situations and it was only once I left them that a weight lifted. It's only once your out of it you see the reality of it all.

And I definitely relate to routine. I do alot of driving in my job and set myself a route/plan for the day. It makes me twitchy if something diverts me away. Or there is only one desk I like sitting at haha. The office is far too small for the number of us and I struggle when we are all back as it's like sardines in a tin can. I will have to find ways to cope when I'm back at work.

My aim is to slowly lose weight. I think in total I have around four stone to lose- I'll see how I feel when I hit that weight bracket. For now I'd be happy to lose 25lb by mid may for a holiday we are going on.

Talking about holiday, when we go it's the week of the boys year two SATS and we are gone for two weeks. I was aware of this when booking. There are many reasons why I booked for this time. The main reason is due to my job I can never get a full two weeks leaves during school holidays and plus I can't cope with how busy it gets during summer months. I also think it's important for me and the boy to have some time together in a different environment. We are going with my best friend which is also a bonus as she has kids too so they can all play together. I'm not too worried about his Sats, I will inform his teacher closer to the time and ensure he catches up on any work topics. I already keep a close eye on his learning and expand it where possible. For a summer child, he does really well and is on top tables in all his core subjects. I know some people don't agree with taking kids out, outside of school holidays but the money I save and the memories we make are priceless. His education is always there and he is quick to learn things. I put lots of effort in too, to encourage him to expand his knowledge. They may do his Sats exams when he returns to school, who knows.

Today I'm off to Skipton with my friend, I'm driving. It's a change of scenery and we will probably go for a long walk somewhere and catch up with one another. This is an old best friend from high school and due to our lives being so different sometimes we don't see each other in a long while but we always pick up where we left off. Those are the best sort of friendships.

We are both pretty excited. I don't even know why. It's time to make new memories though.

Today won't be a NSD due to filling car up and budgeting £10 for the day out.

Later on I will sort out online banking and ensure it all adds up as it should. I will also make a payment to one of the credit cards.

Last night I made corned beef hash. I saw a picture of it and it gave me cravings so off I went in search of recipe. It was lovely even if I did add a bit of brown sauce to it lol. My mum is pretty shocked at the moment due to how much I'm cooking. I've always quite enjoyed it but sometimes I found it more of an effort (on bad days). I like finding new recipes. I'll definitely share them later.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Bobarella · 16 January 2017 at 9:29AM

Have a good day Chandelier it's no one elses business how you raise your son. It's not like you are pulling him out during GCSEs.

Chandelier. · 16 January 2017 at 9:41AM

All banks accounts now sorted and lined up. I've been thinking quite a bit about my money situation at the moment. Usually when I get paid and anything else I recieve (child maintenance and child benefit) I put aside for the next month, i.e. use December's amount for January and so on.

I'm quite unsure what to do at the moment. With only receiving statutory sick pay I'm a lot down finance wise. I'm thinking of using this month's payments (child benefit and child maintenance) for now rather than February and what is left over can be carried over to next month. And continue to do this until I'm back at work and can get back to usual routine. It would tide me over and cause less stress over using savings. Basically I'll just be using the payments for the now rather than later, like many people do.

I also thought I'd post somethings I am grateful for today because I'm feeling pretty positive.

Reasons why I'm grateful:-

- The fact I'm still here breathing and living in the moment. Three months ago I just wanted the pain to go away and I didn't care about life.
- That my boy is a happy and well rounded child. He is healthy and has everything he needs and he keeps me going; he literally is my best friend and partner in crime.
- I am building up a secure support network and working on relationships to strengthen them. I am also trying to support others in anyway possible.
- Although it's cold outside, it makes me feel so refreshed and alive. It makes me want to explore what's out there.
- I have a roof over my head and food on the table. When I'm in a settled routine and life returns to normal I think I'm going to do some volunteering. Maybe at a homeless shelter or another local charity.
- The biggest thing I am grateful for is the mental health team and my family/closest friends whom are supporting me along my journey. Without this I'm not quite sure what I'd be doing. I'd probably still be in the depressive state I was. My family and close friends have not judged me or left me to do it alone. They remind me they are here for me and help in anyway.

I'm also grateful that I have a place here to waffle on and talk about my days/MSE waysband general chit chat with others.

I'm off to go get ready and make myself presentable lol.

Chandelier. · 16 January 2017 at 9:42AM

That's meant to say MSE ways and**

Woops

SpekySquarehead · 16 January 2017 at 10:05AM

Good morning Chandelier, loving the positivity which I hope will continue for a long time to come. Use the diary to offload as it can really help clear your head and put things into perspective.

Hope you have a great week!

Chandelier. · 17 January 2017 at 12:01PM

Hey, thanks Speky! I too hope the positivity will stay. The diary definitely does help too in many ways.

I had a brilliant day yesterday at Skipton with my friend. We visited a tea room called "Cake 'Ole" and had some cake and a milkshake (woops, not very healthy lol). It was a really bright, wonderful and colourful place and the cake was amazing. I'd definitely recommend. It's a quirky place. We then went to explore the castle and had a walk in the woodlands. On the way home we got stuck in bad traffic but thankfully had my iPad with lots of songs on so both my friend and I sang our hearts out. I haven't laughed so much in a long time. It definitely kept the mood in good spirits. I love times like these when your at your utmost comfort and can be who you really are. My spends involved entrance to castle and petrol put in car. My friend bought cake and milkshake.

It's time to really knuckle down now this week and tally up some NSD. I need to catch up with how many I've had so far. Its just been so busy.

Today I have an appointment with consultant psych.. my nurse also just phoned me to seek permission to refer me for a CBT approach group. Usually I'd dismiss this but it's a new group for those recently diagnosed with Bipolar. I think it will be insightful and beneficial for me and help me identify triggers and goodness knows what else. I don't usually do well in groups but I'm willing to give it a go. Myself and nurse had spoke previously about CBT/therapy and she didn't think it would help or be right for me so for her to think this is appropriate, I trust her judgement.

I've phoned my line manager and awaiting a call back so we can discuss using some of my annual leave to top up my pay. It won't be much but any things better than nothing. I just hope I can do it before the cut off point of wages.

I'm planning on going to the gym this afternoon or evening. The other day I went some guy who worked there annoyed me. My friend and I were mid exercise and we had our hoodies placed aside out of way and not near equipment and said man came over and told us it's healthy and safety breach and we had to put in locker. I'd only just taken it off. It's like he was looking for something to do or moan about as he'd said something else to my friend earlier. If I see him again and he's like this I'll tell him politely where to go. I understand health and safety reasons but where do people put their towels they take with them? Our hoodies were no bigger than these. Eurgh.

At some point today I'll pop and see my grandad and check on how he's doing. Then after school I'm taking the boy and his friend to their extra curricular. It's at a different venue a bit further away so we are car sharing. I'm driving though.

I'm also going to switch bank accounts tonight to FD. This benefits me and will gain me some extra pennies I can throw to the debt.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Chandelier. · 17 January 2017 at 3:42PM

Had my appointment with consultant and it's left me a bit deflated. Long story short he's added some more medications into the mix and I just feel like it's a set back. I know they want to what's right by me and get my moods onto a more consistent even keel but I felt like I was doing so well.

I think I need to give my head a little wobble and digest things properly.

I've been to see my grandad and arranged for home visit in regards to his issues. I'm awaiting a telephone call back for that. I stayed for around 90 minutes and let him waffle and ramble on until his hearts content.

Then I've come home and prepared stuff for the boy's extra curricular tonight. I'm about to set off shortly and pick him up from school then it's straight back home, get changed and out the door again.

I think I'm going to have some time for myself tonight and tomorrow. My sleep hasn't been the best recently and probably plays a part in everything and how I'm feeling and reacting.

Over & out.

Bobarella · 17 January 2017 at 7:53PM

Sleep is so important Chandelier I hope you have a good night tonight.

Chandelier. · 18 January 2017 at 9:11AM

Morning..

Today is a new day. I need to not let this small set back dull my sparkle...

Last night I spent an hour at the gym.. mainly walking/running on the treadmill. I just let the music play and carried on until I was satisfied. Although I went on my own this time I still felt good and was able to up the incline and speed. I think for now I'm going to mainly focus on building up my stamina and motivation to run and then I'll do some weight training.

The trip last night to extra curricular was stressful. I didn't enjoy it one bit. I felt so out of place and disorientated. Hopefully the next trip will be better.

The idea for this morning was to pop into work and catch up with them. I'm not sure whether I'm up to it to be honest. I've an appointment at dressing clinic too this morning and will pick up my new prescription whilst I'm there.

Tomorrow I'm taking my uncle to a hospital 20 mins motorway drive away from us for a small procedure. Whilst there I will catch up with my auntie whilst waiting.

I think I'm going to set a small to do list today.

- Phone work and catch up with them. Maybe arrange to go in next week for catch up rather than this week.
- Attend dressing clinic and pick up new prescription.
- Sort meds out into meds pot.
- Sort out bookcase in bedroom/throw away anything not needed. It's a dumping ground.
- Put ironing away.
- Switch bank account to FD.

The Illuminative Project.

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