About to tell husband about secret debt

meeniemo · 8 October 2017 at 1:35PM

I've"very cleverly" managed to rack up £45,000 in credit card debt and overdrafts over the past 7 years. I've kept it a secret from everyone until now. I, of course, always thought I would be able to pay it off at some point - I started a business but it didn't work out through a combination of illness and bereavement. I have tried to increase my income but so far have failed.

My husband is a wonderful man who has supported me since we met 7 years ago. Initially he didn't want me to go back to work full time - and encouraged me to pursue my interests.So he has given me a small amount of money every month, which combined with a contribution from my ex-husband was money used for my own purposes.

I have been able to pay off the monthly debt payments until now - but have started needing more than my monthly "income". So I know it's time to do something.

To cut a long story short - something I have been hoping would never happen - now I need to face up to reality and do the right thing and tell my husband.

It is of course entirely my own fault and I don't blame anyone else. Living with the burden of debt has been horrible. So it will feel good to finally have it off my shoulders.

However, the hurt to my husband will be awful - he doesn't deserve this. I know he will be angry and hurt and disappointed. It is after all a complete betrayal of trust and I am not sure he will get over it to be honest. While he is very kind and generous on one hand, when it comes to debt and money he is a different person. His brother came to him in need some time ago needing a loan of £3000 - my husband gave it to him but not before humiliating him and making him feel awful about it. He repaid every penny. He divorced his first wife because she had, according to him "a spending problem". So I don't expect any different from him - and of course he has every right to be angry.

I have pretty much accepted my fate - I actually feel nothing right now. I'm just resigned to telling him and dealing with the fallout. I have hated the dishonesty - so at least I will be able to face up to this and try and put it all right. Just not very hopeful about the outcome!

EssexHebridean · 8 October 2017 at 2:16PM

If it's any consolation we've had a number of posts fitting this exact situation here in the past few months, and in every case the other party has stood by the one with the debt.

is there anything to show from the debt that you can sell?

You need to go out and get a job - and the good news is that this is the right time of year to be looking at least - you'll get something seasonal even if it's warehouse/shop floor or similar. It doesn't matter what it is, ultimately, it just needs to be something that will let you a) pay at least the minimum payments to the debt and b) start contributing to the household again. Lovely though being a "lady of leisure" must be, generally speaking until you've reached retirement age, you don't get to do that long term. I take it during the time you've not been earning you have been making sure that your National Insurance stamp has been paid? If not then you'll need to start thinking about catching that up too - otherwise even the retirement age leisure is unlikely to be anything you'll be able to enjoy.

I suspect the key thing here for your husband will be that you show a determination to sort things out - so selling things and being prepared to take whatever work is offered will be positive signs.

Good luck!

mumofthetwins · 8 October 2017 at 2:59PM

Hi didn't want to read and run ... just wanted to say that I hope everything turned out ok x

And keep popping on here we are all hear for the same reason x

DebtFreeDuo · 8 October 2017 at 3:22PM

Also didn't want to read and run, I agree with above, if you go to him with determination and a plan of action then he will see that you are determined to sort this out. I hope everything goes smoothly for you, the last thing someone needs in this position is to feel humiliated or made to feel any worse than they already do.

HairyHandofDartmoor · 8 October 2017 at 3:33PM

You've already had some great advice from other posters, so I just want to say good luck and I hope he doesn't react too angrily.

Just remember that you are a human being who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, debts or no debts.

enthusiasticsaver · 8 October 2017 at 5:10PM

You are not the first one to come on here re secret debt. You will need to get a job to deal with this so I suggest that should be your first goal. From what you say your husband is unlikely to be sympathetic so you need a plan which does not involve him paying it.

zippygeorgeandben · 8 October 2017 at 9:58PM

Try to look at it not as a 'problem' but a 'challenge' you are willing to accept and succeed in.
Good luck!

LJB290 · 9 October 2017 at 2:28PM

The news will probably be taken "better" if you deliver it with a possible solution or plan....
This is where I am..... but this is what I plan to do about it......

Good luck

jcorbygas · 9 October 2017 at 2:29PM

Hi - just to say that I had to tell my husband about our debts 7 years ago - and they were double the amount you have.
The only way I could do it was to write it down in a letter to him - explaining how the debts arose and what I proposed to do about them - which in those days was contacting CCCS -now Stepchange.
I think its better if you do have a plan before telling him so that at least if he has questions you are more prepared.
Obviously my husband was very upset but we got through it.

If you need any support please feel free to pm me

littlemissbudgetqueen · 9 October 2017 at 4:44PM

Hello - I just want to say good luck. Be open about everything that's all you can do. I'm sure he will have lots of questions and it will help if you are able to give him as much information as possible to help him understand. x

alibat_2 · 9 October 2017 at 8:55PM

Just a quick note to say good luck. I was in the same position as you less than a month ago. I know exactly how you are feeling. Despite it being the second time, my husband stood by me. I had all the details written down. The first time I wrote a letter, it made it easier. It's an incredibly difficult conversation to start and I assumed the worst would happen both times . I got a lot of support from people on here. The problem is, by acting as if everything is ok it just gets worse. Hope everything turns out OK.

About to tell husband about secret debt

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