married to an alcoholic and cant take anymore

forgetfullass · 15 September 2017 at 12:07PM

As the title says I have been married for a long time to a man who is addicted to alcohol. He has lost jobs, caused lots of financial hardship and stress and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I have lost friends, my confidence, its affected my mental health and got me in such a state that I cant cope with it no more. why stay so long? well he has been in rehab twice and stayed sober for periods and I know he does not want to be the person he is but at the same time he does it and I have had enough.

He wont leave the house that we own. He hasn't paid a penny for 7 years and we have been there 12. I work in a pressured situation though seem to be able to split home and work. no one really knows what goes on. I know I need to leave him. its sad and im upset.

copperclock · 15 September 2017 at 12:16PM

Hi Forgetfullass. I didn't want to read and run. I have never been in a relationship with an alcoholic, but I have had family members who are/were so I have some understanding.

Only you can decide if you are able to break up with him. It sounds like he has been a drinker for a long time and he may or may not get permanently sober, but you can't constantly live in the 'what if'. You have to be able to live your life now.

With regards to him leaving the house, somebody who has a better legal understanding will hopefully come along soon, but I think you need to think hard about staying and making him leave. If the route you chose is to break up then there will come a point at which you will need to be very firm about it. Do you have children at home? If so, it's probably even more important to stay there and for him to leave.

Have you got any friends or family who can support you through this time?

Caroline_a · 15 September 2017 at 12:17PM

Didn't want to read and run. You have my every sympathy, I've been in this situation, ended up selling the house, splitting everything and walking away. Do you own the house or is it rented? If it's rented I would find somewhere for you (and children?) and just walk. More difficult if it's owned. My ex saw the ££ signs with all the equity we had and happily sold.

Have to say that when I moved out it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders!

Savvy_Sue · 15 September 2017 at 12:27PM

You say he's been to rehab, but have you had any support, OP?

You might find it helpful to go to Al-Anon. There's also Alateen if you have children of that age.

forgetfullass · 15 September 2017 at 12:33PM

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Its difficult as I have hide all of this from people for a long time especially my family who don't live near. As for friends well they just say oh you know what he is like and no one would blame me if I left him. I lost two of my best friends. one of them had an affair with him some time ago during a spell of heavy drinking. he got sober. she moved on and I tried to forget it but haven't really. the other one got fed up with me not seeing her and putting up with him.

We own the house. our boys have left home now so its just me and him. he drinks when he get up, drinks more, goes to bed, wakes up and repeat. I get up and commute every day for 90 mins each way to work and have done for years. I have struggled to bring up kids and pay the bills. got into debt which I am not seeing my way out off. he is lovely when sober and an idiot when drunk. been aggressive at times though I am not scared of him and no longer engage with any arguments.

I don't want to sell my house. renting would be much more expensive. he left before for two years and when he got sober I let him return. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will never stay sober. im confused. when I'm angry I want him to go and when im sad I want him to sober up and be the person he was. I cover up for him, bought drink for him, told lies for him. I facilitated and enabled for years. I stopped this some time ago.

this morning he said to me that I don't care about him etc. he wants me to say of course I do. poor me attitude and being a victim. actually I think I should feel sorry for myself

Guest101 · 15 September 2017 at 12:33PM

forgetfullass wrote: »

As the title says I have been married for a long time to a man who is addicted to alcohol. He has lost jobs, caused lots of financial hardship and stress and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I have lost friends, my confidence, its affected my mental health and got me in such a state that I cant cope with it no more. why stay so long? well he has been in rehab twice and stayed sober for periods and I know he does not want to be the person he is but at the same time he does it and I have had enough.

He wont leave the house that we own. He hasn't paid a penny for 7 years and we have been there 12. I work in a pressured situation though seem to be able to split home and work. no one really knows what goes on. I know I need to leave him. its sad and im upset.

realistically you're going to struggle to force him to, so make your own plans.

forgetfullass · 15 September 2017 at 12:35PM

I am considering Al anon. so far I have found out the local group venue and time. just need to make the next move

Savvy_Sue · 15 September 2017 at 12:55PM

I know it's hard, but do go to Al-Anon. I went to one meeting, to give a friend moral support, but honestly I think she'd have been fine on her own (and I felt a bit like an interloper!)

And as for 'you don't care about me' - there are several possible answers to that, but few of them are suitable for MSE. "No, I don't care about you the way you are." "If I didn't care for you why the blankety-blank would I have stayed." "I can't care about someone who doesn't care about himself, and doesn't care about me." Just for starters. But you are right not to give in to the 'poor me' fishing expedition.

LutonGirl · 15 September 2017 at 1:08PM

Hi Forgetfullass. Your post could have been me, but 13 years ago. At the lowest ebb I looked ahead 10 years and thought to myself that I didn't want to be in the same situation, so I left.

We'd been married for 14 years and that point, he'd been in and out of rehab/sobriety more times than the Hokey Cokey. Over that time he'd had counselling, interventions, AA, antabuse tablets and psychiatry. I'd had counselling, Al-Anon, you name it. I'd have tried witchcraft if I thought it would work, but to no effect. In the end I came within a hair's breadth of having him sectioned or committed - if I'd known how to do it. It had to be me or him and I still had half an ounce of fight, even if I had no self esteem.

I walked away with a suitcase to my sister's house and it took every fibre of my body not to go back. He cajoled, he threatened, he was sweet, he was nasty, but I had to stand firm.

We owned our property 50/50 so when push came to shove, it was relatively simple to split things. The house sold about a year after I left it. He stopped paying anything and cost me a lot of money BUT it was worth it in the end.

Took me a further 6 years to pluck up the courage to divorce him. I was so low I couldn't face reliving the nightmares or have to tell a stranger what I'd been through. At the end of 6 years he'd met someone and wanted to remarry so he was quite amenable to do the paperwork (I had to pay). He even apologised to me for being a "sh*t" and that was all I wanted to hear.

He remarried and is worse than ever. Wife No2 is at her wits end and his drinking has now escalated into violence, bankruptcy and a driving ban.

Don't stay another 10 years. I stayed 5 years longer than I should have and it nearly killed me.

I now have my own (smaller) home and a wonderful relationship with an awesome man. The horrors of the past are firmly in the past.

forgetfullass · 15 September 2017 at 1:21PM

thank you everyone.

I know I should walk away but I would need to keep paying the mortgage until its sold and its only 535 a month compared to 1000 I would pay in renting. its been really hard for me the last ten years. paying the bills and getting two kids through uni etc. its unfair that I should have to sell my lovely home. he drinks the money. He currently survives on PIP. he had a job, good jobs and was very skilled. now he is a shell of what he was.

It all very said and I wish it would change but I know it wont and im angry and tearful most of the time.

my boys are lovely and supportive but I don't want to put it on them and one of them has just become a dad. that is really been my lifesaver.

rae123 · 15 September 2017 at 1:45PM

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this forgetfullass.

I can post this from the perspective of having an alcoholic father and know that no matter how hard you try, some people will never change. I was 13 years old when I made the decision to stop seeing my dad and have not seen him since - 8 years on.

I can't provide you with anymore advice than the others who have posted above, but I can let you know that everyone, including your children, will be better off not having him in their lives.

married to an alcoholic and cant take anymore

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