Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

Barryfan · 10 August 2011 at 1:21PM

I would not pay it. You never know what's around the corner and you might need the money someday. I speak from experience - my step daughter asked her dad and I to bail her out to the tune of £16,000 and promised she'd pay us back. She arrangd the loan (in her dad's name) and did start out making regular payments. However, these then stopped (after she had bounced a cheque) and we're now stuck with a debt that, over the term of the loan, will cost about £24k! Keep your money in your pocket. I do think the idea of offering her treats when she reaches targets is a good one.

SJO_2 · 10 August 2011 at 1:26PM

I was in a very similar situation to your girlfriend not that long ago and my boyfriend was a god send!

He didn't pay off my debts but he allowed me to move in with him rent free. In his eyes it wasn't really costing him much more having me live there! In return I bought the monthly food shop and I also paid for the occasional meal or evening out.

This not only gave me extra money towards my debts but also the personal satisfaction of being able to pay them off myself.

I don't know what your personal circumstances are but I would never recommend paying off her debts. If you do she will NEVER learn (saying from personal experience) and once paid off she will slip straight back into her bad habits.

Help her get her debts in order and if as you say earn more than her offer to pay for most of your evenings out providing you see that she is focusing on paying off her debts!

Gillsx · 10 August 2011 at 1:26PM

Don't do it. It is wrong in all ways. Take her out for meals and a trip away at your expense if you want to treat her, but you're doing enough. She must learn and paying her debts will not help her. You've saved hard and earned your way - time she learned how to do that also (this coming from someone who has learned the hard way and I'm glad I did!).

Kailasa700 · 10 August 2011 at 1:37PM

One word: DON'T.

I married my first husband and paid off his debts with savings (nearly £15,000) because I felt that we were starting a new life together and we should have a clean slate to work from.

Less than 18 months later he was in trouble again, £thousands of pounds of debt because he hadn't learned to control his spending. Never mentioned a word of this to me and hid statements etc.

He declared bankrupt. This was the point at which I learned he'd been bankrupt before.... We divorced (not purely over financial issues, but a myriad of others as well).

If you help her out you will loose your money. She will loose her self respect and will learn nothing - will probably also subconsiously expect you to have the same resources in a few years time when she's run up debts again.

No. No. No.

Like many others have said, help her plan, treat her to things, if she's short one month an online grocery order might be nice (!) but NEVER use your hard earned savings to help her, she may say she appreciates it (and she probably will) but it won't help her to be more savvy in the future.

Good luck xx

nczm · 10 August 2011 at 1:39PM

Hi, I can see how this must be hard, especially if it's making your girl unhappy.
Could I suggest that you help go through with her where her money problems are and get to the root cause. If her current expenses are in line with her earings (before repaying her debt) see what she has left each month and calculate f she could apply for a loan to clear the balance splitting the repayments each month.
Then if you're still together a few years down the line you'll always have the option to pay off the rest of the loan at a later date - it'll also give you a handle on how she takes care of her money without the stress sitting over her head.

Tinkerbell96 · 10 August 2011 at 1:44PM

No, definitely not! She needs to learn to control her own money. I regularly paid off my (now ex) fianc!e's credit card, over draft, plus all our household bills, rent etc and regret it. Not only does he owe me £5,000 which I'll never see a penny of, but he never learned and continued to live outside of his means. I agree you could help her with advise but do not give her money. She will never learn.

ngrant01 · 10 August 2011 at 1:47PM

It's good that you have offered but like many have said, I would let her learn her lesson by having to pay it back herself. I was in a similar situation to her (riddled with debt) yet I had to plan and live on pennies to get myself on my feet again. By doing this it has helped me get 'in the black'. Not only this but I now have savings for the first time ever in my life.

So moral of the story is - she has to learn by her own mistakes - say if you pay it of for her - her mentality may start to think that she can do it again and and she will think that you will just come running to help and clear her out once more.

Neil

I_need_help · 10 August 2011 at 1:51PM

No, don't pay off her debts. What you have done in helping her to sort through her paperwork and encouraging her to set up a budget and keep to it, is admirable. She needs to learn how to manage her money for herself - just continue to support her. This is how you show your commitment to her.

cazpost · 10 August 2011 at 1:58PM

I think we are all in agreement that you should definitely not pay the debt.There are plenty of horror stories here that should convince anyone. Having been in two relationships with people who had no concept of managing money, I know that paying someone elses debts is the fastest way to ruin a relationship. Resentful feelings,cross words etc etc ................
I think some posters are being rather unpleasant about your girlfriend, we all know how easy it is to slip into debt,and how the problem grows and gets out of hand.At least she has told you the truth, and obviously wants to deal with the problem.
The best thing you can do is give her as much help and support as she needs, buy her occasional treats, don't ask her to go on expensive dates that she cant afford,help her to budget and find ways to increase her income . However, don't allow yourself to lecture,patronise ,or try to run her life. That will only make things worse.

Aldahbra · 10 August 2011 at 2:03PM

screentrader wrote: »

Firstly you have to ask yourself whether this relationship is for the long term - as you said, it will take AT LEAST 4 years to clear it! You will feel a total mug if you pay this debt off for her and then a few months down the line the relationship falters and you go your seperate ways - you would have lost financially AND lose some of what is clearly your good nature. But there is another way - you obviously care for this girl and do not want to see her stressed. Now if the answer to the above is yes the next step (and I speak from experience here) is to get her to seriously look at how and why she became so much in debt and to accept she needs to change her spending habits. Finally, you need to sit her down and explain to her that you will 'help' her. YOU will lend her the money instead of the Bank which means no interest is going to be paid and that it is better to be in debt to you rather than to a bank. Draw up a contract where she will pay you back each month (this will cover you in case the relationship does falter). On top of this you will take 'extra' money to put into 'her pot' which she will get at the end of the contract (her little pot of gold). This will do the following: a) she will learn how to save b) she will learn that she is never bailed out for free (no lesson learned otherwise) c) she will not feel emotionally indebted to you. My Uncle did this for me - it was all official and he kept a log book (ledger if you like) which he went through once a week with me to show how the debt was reducing and also how my 'savings' were growing. During that time (it was in the 80's) he invested my saved money into stocks and shares and showed me how to do this and what to look for. I am now a sound, debt free, money savvy person who, while no longer investing in shares at present (for obvious reasons) keeps a keen eye on business/financial news. My uncle is now dead but he has been a key person in my life and taught me valuable life lessons - you sound like you can be just as special!

NOOOOOOO! Don't do it. You are this girls lover not her Uncle or Father.

If you pay it off and she makes payments to you the dynamics of your relationship will change in an unhealthy way.

Help her, support her yes, loads of that, but do not pay it off, not at this stage anyway. When she has paid about half of it off and you want to marry her maybe but not now. She needs to deal with this and she needs your support and help. But don't pay it off for her, or she will not learn to manage money ever.

Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

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