How long before you move in together

System · 14 June 2017 at 12:42AM

as long as a piece of sting it differs for everyone

for example i'd happily move in with my bf tomorrow (we've been together 2 years, about 18 months in he expressed that he wanted us to live together eventually). Personlly though i have debts and until those are paid iff moving in isn;t an option, i hope the debt will be paid off by next year so by then it will be three years we;ve been together.

But then i know of people who moved in after 6 months who are blissfully happy.

If you're not feeling ready though you need to explain that to her. Maybe say that you'll see where you are at 6 months down the line?

Oakdene · 14 June 2017 at 8:42AM

Thank you all for your replies & thoughts, ultimately it is now irrelevant as we had yet anohter argument last night & I said I cant do this anymore - she left & has done all the social media update to single, removing pics etc. Have had texts saying she hopes I am happy because her 6 year old daughter is sad she wont see me any more & she hopes I am proud of myself for not thinking of the children.

justme111 · 14 June 2017 at 8:58AM

Wow . What a manipulative shifting of the blame and complete lack of insight.. No matter what you might have done wrong in a relationship (as nobody is perfect and you are unlikely to write here telling us you done wrong this and that) - nothing could justify these words. Very lucky escape. I am sure your criteria for a prospective girlfriend will change a bit after this experience as the fact you were interested in someone like that one does not characterise you very well. Been thinking with the wrong head when you went for her any chance ?:D

onomatopoeia99 · 14 June 2017 at 9:01AM

Sorry the relationship is over, and sorry to be blunt as you obviously liked her enough to be with her for a year, but anyone that uses phrases like "I hope you're happy now" and uses their child as a lever to make another person do something or feel bad is really not worth the effort. That's abusive, controlling behaviour.

Love the immediate social media update thing though, Grieve for the relationship a little before moving on? Nah, back on the market straight away and try to pull another one in, hoping the next is a bit easier to manipulate.

PasturesNew · 14 June 2017 at 9:03AM

It's better to say "No" now and have the arguments without the commitment.... rather than to give in "for a quiet life" only to find she spends her life finding new topics to argue about and being unable to move on because you've taken on all new commitments.

IMHO it's too soon. A friend of mine once said "2 Christmases" because Xmas is a stressful time for many, with many other obligations pulling people in different direction and throwing up huge differences in expectations.

You've only done 1 Christmas so far - and that was while it was still all "new and exciting".

Oakdene · 14 June 2017 at 9:15AM

justme111 wrote: »

Wow . What a manipulative shifting of the blame and complete lack of insight.. No matter what you might have done wrong in a relationship (as nobody is perfect and you are unlikely to write here telling us you done wrong this and that) - nothing could justify these words. Very lucky escape. I am sure your criteria for a prospective girlfriend will change a bit after this experience as the fact you were interested in someone like that one does not characterise you very well. Been thinking with the wrong head when you went for her any chance ?:D

We both have made mistakes in our relationship & when I have, I have apoligised (nothing as serious as being unfaithful which neither of us have done) & tried to move on but we keep coming back to the same argument.

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Sorry the relationship is over, and sorry to be blunt as you obviously liked her enough to be with her for a year, but anyone that uses phrases like "I hope you're happy now" and uses their child as a lever to make another person do something or feel bad is really not worth the effort. That's abusive, controlling behaviour.

Love the immediate social media update thing though, Grieve for the relationship a little before moving on? Nah, back on the market straight away and try to pull another one in, hoping the next is a bit easier to manipulate.

I do love her very much, but what she has shown this mornig has shown that we have differing ideas of what a relationship is sadly.

PasturesNew wrote: »

It's better to say "No" now and have the arguments without the commitment.... rather than to give in "for a quiet life" only to find she spends her life finding new topics to argue about and being unable to move on because you've taken on all new commitments.

IMHO it's too soon. A friend of mine once said "2 Christmases" because Xmas is a stressful time for many, with many other obligations pulling people in different direction and throwing up huge differences in expectations.

You've only done 1 Christmas so far - and that was while it was still all "new and exciting".

It maybe is too soon but at the end of the day I guess that decision is done now.

Aced2016 · 14 June 2017 at 9:59AM

She's acting like a silly little girl !!! She's already had a failed marriage, trying to move you on when she has such a young child.

Then right onto Facebook etc. I would honestly run for the hills. I cannot abide people who behave like that, it's shows no class or maturity !

Do you honestly need all this drama in your life after not even a year and for what ?

She wants to concentrate on her child and grow up.

You should just take time out with your daughter and son. Set up a life for you guys. And then when you meet a woman a grown up who is classy and worth it then go for it. You want a woman not someone who acts like an 16 year old.

Malthusian · 14 June 2017 at 12:33PM

Congratulations on your narrow escape. This is the pitfall with asking for advice on the Internet. You didn't give us the most crucial piece of information, which is that your OH is a manipulative so-and-so who was probably pushing moving in for a reason that had nothing to do with your happiness (or your child/ren's). Imagine if we'd all said "yeah, it's been a year so you should definitely move in" and you'd actually gone and done it.

(Two months and 0 Christmasses in my case.)

justme111 · 14 June 2017 at 12:55PM

Malthusian wrote: »

Congratulations on your narrow escape. This is the pitfall with asking for advice on the Internet. You didn't give us the most crucial piece of information, which is that your OH is a manipulative so-and-so who was probably pushing moving in for a reason that had nothing to do with your happiness (or your child/ren's). Imagine if we'd all said "yeah, it's been a year so you should definitely move in" and you'd actually gone and done it.

(Two months and 0 Christmasses in my case.)

He has given that information which I pointed to in my first reply. He said she was pushing for it and would not be happy that he was not ready. This coupled with relatively short time together and no specific reasons on why to move ( job relocations etc) was enough for me to say he should review viability of relationship before he let us know it was over.

Oakdene · 14 June 2017 at 1:18PM

Feeling pretty broken, although I did ask her to leave last night I woke thinking maybe there was a compromise that we could reach to move this forward but the way she tried to use her daughter & the bits on social media I think have confirmed you guys are right. Thank you all

How long before you move in together

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