Money Moral Dilemma: Should we do 'tit for tat' with wedding gifts?
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I got married when I was an impoverished student and many of the wedding guests were also impoverished students. I certainly didn't expect an all-singing-all-dancing gift from any of them. Now we're all better off and quite a few of them have had recent weddings. I gift according to my financial situation at the time of the wedding and I'd expect others to do the same.0
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We got given a casserole dish when we got married last year.... and the person had given me the same dish when I'd got married to my first husband 6 years before. Both times we'd asked for cash as we wanted to pay for honeymoons in it (but also said that we really weren't fussed about gifts). I now have 2 novelty shaped casserole dishes we'll never use :rotfl:
We do have a spreadsheet of it all, but we had a few actual gifts and wanted to name them in the thank you cards/make sure we didn't say 'thanks for the contribution!' if they hadn't given us anything. And we did have people that gave us nothing/small amounts compared to others and it won't effect how much we give when we go to their weddings (if they get married).0 -
Indeed, If I knew a person would prefer money , I would rather give them that, even if it were just a tenner I could afford, rather than buy them something generic like champagne flutes
We ended up with three identical sets of champagne flutes. My Husband is tee total and always has been. Not very well thought out gifts, rather just fulfilling the givers need to wrap something, anything
Exactly. Why wouldn't anyone want to give cash? It's easy, don't even have to think hard and it's exactly what they want - win win!
Some people though just can't seem to square it away. Couple of years ago I wanted two pieces of household equipment that matched. I picked them out and said to my sister, we can't afford these but we'd like them for Xmas (she had asked what we wanted btw!!) to match the new room decorations. Noop - don't do cash, I'll get you the items. Not the specific ones mind, the ones she thought were nice because she couldn't get the ones we liked close to her home (lives away). So come the day, we get the items, but they are not suitable for the room and not what we wanted, therefore they had to go back. Meanwhile, they get what they want which is giving a gift, rather than cash...do you think it's a form of control or "i'm not doing what you want me to do"?0 -
I got married when I was an impoverished student and many of the wedding guests were also impoverished students. I certainly didn't expect an all-singing-all-dancing gift from any of them. Now we're all better off and quite a few of them have had recent weddings. I gift according to my financial situation at the time of the wedding and I'd expect others to do the same.
Yes we do. Some of our friends give presents to the tune of £30-£40 for Xmas...I don't even do that for my brothers and sisters so they get about £20 out of me. Similarly, my partner spends about £150 on each parent and sister, which is loads, but she pays for that extra herself. Horses for courses, do what you think is right.0 -
I think the issue that some people have when giving cash is that there is no tangible evidence that they gave you something. My parents are now quite happy to give cash to my OH and I for birthdays, Christmases etc but my mum still insists on knowing what I spent the money on. My OH and I are both quite minimalist in our tastes and have everything we need so the money usually goes towards treats, like holidays. My MIL still insists on buying stuff even when we tell her we don't need anything. She also won't buy something I need if it's for the house, telling me that it isn't really a present for me?
When we got married, it was a very small affair. We only got a couple of presents (one family friend randomly gave me a hoover that blew up on its first use and a neighbour gave me a beautiful crystal vase, which I still have). I think the giving of gifts at weddings is a bit old fashioned - it was to help people furnish their new home. We're now getting married after accumulating lots of stuff and living together for years so there's really no need to give homewares.
Z0 -
Love this dilemma as it really is a genuine dilemma that we feel quite regularly. Plus, I totally and utterly disagree with almost everyone here!
Some things that no one seems to have considered so far with this:
1. I know a few people who would actually feel undermined if you started throwing money at them when they'd recently given you much less. "Look how much money I've got" or "yes I know you gave less, and we're aware of it".
2. There's a load of annoyance that comes with knowing what the right amount to spend on someone is - giving what you were given is a really easy way of getting over that.
3. You're setting a precedence here, which could get complicated. What if everyone gave you less than you gave them? At what stage do you think you're spending too much? Or what if the next person gave you loads more - are you still going to match that higher sum, or do you plan on giving less to them, which might upset them?
4. Some people like me really hate the idea of having to pay money out just because someone else has decided they want to get married. I am quite open about my selfish intentions - I want to give as little as possible as a wedding gift, and the cheapest I can allow myself to be is by giving exactly what they gave me. As a couple, we can wind up £600-800 out of pocket after clothes, hotels, hen and stag dos, drinks, travel, gifts... the list goes on and on. The last thing we need is to start plumping that up with elaborate gifts because we 'can afford more'.0 -
4. Some people like me really hate the idea of having to pay money out just because someone else has decided they want to get married. I am quite open about my selfish intentions - I want to give as little as possible as a wedding gift, and the cheapest I can allow myself to be is by giving exactly what they gave me. As a couple, we can wind up £600-800 out of pocket after clothes, hotels, hen and stag dos, drinks, travel, gifts... the list goes on and on. The last thing we need is to start plumping that up with elaborate gifts because we 'can afford more'.
You are quite right...after £350 on a modest stag do and then £100 on drinks and taxis on the day...just being there is a costly exercise!
On a side note, what winds me up more than anything is the little condescending poem in the invite justifying the couples want for cold hard cash! If you want cash, just say. If it doesn't state, a present or cash I assume will be suffice. At my wedding, I'm not asking for anything, I think it's rude.0 -
andydownes123 wrote: ».do you think it's a form of control or "i'm not doing what you want me to do"?
Definitely, I do think that it is a form of control - it is a bit passive aggressive really.
'I will give you something that I know you don't want...but you will be eternally ungrateful if you do not love this rubbish 'present'The opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
My MIL still insists on buying stuff even when we tell her we don't need anything.
Same here, we have told MIL for years not to buy. Yet she still buys tat. Quid shop tat.
All it does is makes us feel awful for not loving it, and for binning it offThe opposite of what you know...is also true0
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