Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

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  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    I think it's a decision for you to make as a couple. What works for one family doesn't always work for another. I have a friend who's husband works away and she only sees him once every six weeks or so and that suits her fine but I would hate it if my husband worked away, I would feel lost and lonely. Everyone is different so you'll have to make the choice between yourselves!

    Totally agree it is a decision we need to make as a couple. It's nice to get perspectives from other people on here though.
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  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    shazpea wrote: »
    Go for it - when i was a kid we moved around all the time and for a while my dad commuted to Holland from England and we only saw him weekends - it paid the bills and as someone said before, it's a sacrifice but it's for the right reasons and it makes the time you have together much more special, you learn not to take each other for granted. It's not forever and if you're in Ireland you'll have family around you to help you with the kids and keep you company. If it gets the debt worries off your mind then great, and you've a great excuse to pop over to Germany for little breaks. In this economy you have to just go for the few opportunities.

    Thanks. I agree that in this economy it is best to do whatever is possible to try and pay off debt and be in a positive financial position.
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  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    No one can answer this question but yourself. It's not really a moral dilemma, but a decision that you and you family need to make your own.

    Agree that we are the only ones that can make the decision. It is good to get advice from other people though & for people to post who have been through it as well.
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  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    I would calculate exactly how long it would take in this job to pay off the debt - then you'll know how long the situation would be for. If, for example, it would take 2 years at this salary then it may seem 'doable'.

    However, there is always the fact that he may not be able to find another job if the situation does not suit you. You could end up worse off in the end if the Germany job doesn't work out and there isn't another job after.

    Totally agree with you and that is why we have decided to see if OH can get compressed hours in work before he considers contract work.
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  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    Dinah93 wrote: »
    I think I know the OP of this question, so I apologise if this is someone else entirely and I've made assumptions.

    I know how much you want to move back to your family in Ireland and financially there is no two ways about it that this is the right thing for you. As you are rightly tussling with its the balance between finance and family which is the key. At the end of the day every single person on here could say 'yes, move to different countries and pay off the debts' but that doesn't matter a jot if either of you say to the other you don't want it to happen. And harsh as it probably sounds in this one he has to be all for it otherwise it won't work as it will only build resentment from him that he's being exiled to pay off debts while you got what you wanted in moving back with your family. If he says he wants to do it (maybe even for a fixed term of 6 or 12 months) then do it, your family life will be better in the long run. However if he says he doesn't want to be apart from his family even 5 days a week then you have to respect that as you don't want being apart to pay off some debts to seperate your family permenantly as money is not worth as much as family.

    I do think the more pertinent thing here though is that you're moving back to Ireland in 4 months anyway so actually now I think of it he has agreed to being apart for most of the week, so does it really make a blind bit of difference if he's in Scotland or Germany? I'd go to Germany and have a slightly longer flight and much more money in this case. Maybe you could sweeten the deal by saying you'll spend school holidays over there, or you'll go over a fortnight every 2 months or something?

    x

    Lol - yes you do know me Dinah :)

    Both myself and OH would prefer if he could get compressed hours as he can stay where we are living (and friends), we can come over and stay with him when we want as the flight is only 45 mins and the flat is big enough and he gets to spend 4 nights with us and 3 nights away.

    It would take longer to pay off the debts but we would be happier with seeing each other from a Thursday to Monday, rather than Fri-Sun.
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    DFD:Nov 22/June 22
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  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    When I was young (about six or seven) we lived in North Yorkshire but for two or three years my dad worked in Lancashire during the week and only came home at weekends. I did miss him terribly when he was gone but also there was the great excitement on Friday nights when he came home and it made that time we had together even more precious. As others have said it was a sacrifice but it was done for the right reasons, and now I'm older I can appreciate just how huge it was. That said though my sisters and I were all at school which is obviously a lot different to having a 15 month old and a new baby, but on the flip side my mum wasn't near her family so you'll have that support there if you need it.

    Ultimately though I think this is something you need to talk through and decide together.

    Thanks for the post and for sharing your experience.
    Total (Aug 19):€58,567 Now:€26,947
    DFD:Nov 22/June 22
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  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    ingym wrote: »
    Hi there,

    I was in the exact same position as you. I'm Irish and after having my daughter in the UK (my partner is English) I became really homesick and depressed. I really missed my family and friends and wasn't enjoying living in the UK even though I loved my partner and he had a good job. At some point, I became too unhappy and had to move back to Ireland. It was the best thing I did. I had so much support from my family and I got back to myself. My partner came over at weekends when he could. After some months I felt happy enough to give it another try in the UK and because I missed my other half a lot. I got a part time job myself which was daunting but helped things a lot. Now we're expecting another baby. If I were you, I'd go home and let your hubby go to Germany for a while and save while you get some support in Ireland. After a while you'll feel strong enough to move forward !!


    Thanks. Maybe if financially things were okay (and this includes the cost of childcare as well as the debt) then I would feel different. Myself and OH have said we will review the situation after 6 months and if either of us is unhappy we will make some changes.
    Total (Aug 19):€58,567 Now:€26,947
    DFD:Nov 22/June 22
    Mortgage: €199,712
    MFD: March 2042/July 2034
  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    cozlw wrote: »
    My partner and I started our relationship being long distance without children for the sake of work and whilst we made it work, it was extremely difficult to do so. We tried to see each other most weekends but it is tiring, expensive and difficult for the person required to travel as they are always on the 'go'.

    Personally, with children I wouldnt even contemplate being apart, it puts pressure on the relationship (you can effectively feel that you are living different lives) and when you are at home with the children and he is out, socialising and trying to fit into German life, how can you be sure that you wont resent it and that he wont miss his children, particularly a newborn!

    It may only take a couple of years, I would consider going with him and living in Germany for that time so that you can still be a family and pay off the debts. You can then move to Ireland together having taken on this challenge together.

    Thanks for the post. Definitely some advice there that needs to be talked about.
    Total (Aug 19):€58,567 Now:€26,947
    DFD:Nov 22/June 22
    Mortgage: €199,712
    MFD: March 2042/July 2034
  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    Gigglepig wrote: »
    If it was my family we would:

    1) all move TOGETHER to Germany, to clear debts and save up
    2) once we had put savings aside we'd move to Ireland or whatever place we'd rather wanted to be

    If you are homesick, why not take advantage of cheap flights and plan a few weekends in Ireland with your family? It may help to have a trip in the near future to look forward to.

    Thanks some good advice. Unfortunately cheap flights don't exist anymore when there are babies to consider paying for.
    Total (Aug 19):€58,567 Now:€26,947
    DFD:Nov 22/June 22
    Mortgage: €199,712
    MFD: March 2042/July 2034
  • clearmydebts
    clearmydebts Posts: 6,485
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    Mr_Mike wrote: »
    Move with him. Maximise your nett income, save on flights. I think there are tax breaks for married couples and kids. Not sure if he could claim them if you weren't registered as living with him. You've got a time window before the eldest kid goes to primary school. So you can chase the rate, then settle down in a couple of years when you've built up your bank balance.

    Thanks for the info about tax breaks. I think the issue here is that it is contract work so he might have to move every 6 months, if it were a permanent job it would be easier to consider moving with him and settling there for a few years.
    Total (Aug 19):€58,567 Now:€26,947
    DFD:Nov 22/June 22
    Mortgage: €199,712
    MFD: March 2042/July 2034
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