How to avoid meeting up
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This is a very tricky situation as you clearly don't want to hurt his feelings. If you can live with seeing him very occasionally one solution might be that when he next suggests that you meet you agree to meet for coffee/lunch/tea but with your husband. You arrange to do something else afterwards to which he can't invite himself (so not the cinema). At the end of the meeting inevitably there will be the question of when you can meet next. You say that you are both really busy at the moment and that you don't have the time to meet regularly and that you feel sure he will understand this but you would both be happy to meet occasionally. This would be perfectly reasonable and if you are like most people is doubtless true. You and your husband make a date there and then for the next coffee/lunch/tea 3 or 4 months hence but out somewhere, not at your home.
If he tries to meet before this you just reiterate that you are too busy and want to stick to the previously agreed meeting. If you bump into him in the street you will probably have to be firm and say you are sorry but you can't stay as you are in a rush. Hopefully this will make the situation manageable for you whilst still providing a bit of extra company for him.0 -
Yes I can live with seeing him occasionally, every few months or so. When I first invited him around that's what I thought would happen - he could come for lunch a few times a year, but his 7-hour stay got shot of that idea. The funny thing was, he went to the loo a few times and we thought he'd go, but he sat back down.
Some members of my family came to drop off items, on two separate occasions, as they thought he would gone by then, but he still stayed, they didn't. So it's NEVER going to be at our home again!
A family member once commented now he knows you go swimming, he's going to go the same time and follow you around. I said, famous last words, 'nah, he wouldn't do that!'.
I'd amend CoG's idea and leave out suggesting meeting again, that might be seen as a sign of encouragement.
Thank you all.“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald0 -
Don't try and get out of it. The poor man sounds lonely and like he really enjoys your company. Do your bit ( think of it as volunteering or how you would like one of your loved ones to have some company if they were alone). Its fine to explain you don't have much time and to not raise his expectations, but avoiding him when you know he is in need seems cruel.0
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but he's clearly not lonely....Fireflyaway wrote: »Don't try and get out of it. The poor man sounds lonely and like he really enjoys your company. Do your bit ( think of it as volunteering or how you would like one of your loved ones to have some company if they were alone). Its fine to explain you don't have much time and to not raise his expectations, but avoiding him when you know he is in need seems cruel.0 -
Fireflyaway wrote: »Don't try and get out of it. The poor man sounds lonely and like he really enjoys your company. Do your bit ( think of it as volunteering or how you would like one of your loved ones to have some company if they were alone). Its fine to explain you don't have much time and to not raise his expectations, but avoiding him when you know he is in need seems cruel.
I initially thought he was lonely but from what the OP has said seems to indicate otherwise:but he's clearly not lonely....Sunny_Saver wrote: »This man has a family. He has children, grandchildren, so he is not alone alone. He sees some of them weekly and his daughter several times a week.
He is in his 80s, has a large family, goes to the gym, has been on holiday on his own since his wife died, goes out with neighbours.Sunny_Saver wrote: »A niece is living with him as she's studying here.
I can't see much 'in need' there.
Fireflyaway - I think you are guilt-tripping the OP wrongly.0 -
I didn't want to say earlier, but he probably runs faster than me:D.
He used to run marathons.“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald0 -
Sunny_Saver wrote: »Judi: all three. Just because he's retired and no longer busy, doesn't mean we are. Also when I was single if I went out with his wife, he always came, so why shouldn't my husband now.
Even when his wife was alive, we didn't meet up all the time.
I'm also annoyed because when he told me his wife had passed he said there were no flowers, but donations were made to a charity. OH and I donated £150 in her memory and wrote a condolence letter telling him this. The charity also wrote and told him this. In fact, I know they actually told him twice. His kids were looking after his correspondence for a bit, but no one acknowledged it. When his son spoke to me, several months later, I mentioned it and he said 'if you said you donated, you donated', which I found a bit rude. This may sound as if it's about money, but it's more about you just want to know they know you did something.
I picked up on this. It's a funeral, not a wedding, where you can expect a thank-you card. Clearly, you were expecting a thankyou from him for donating to a charity, which I think is completely inappropriate. The son was probably still grieving, even "months later" and your asking him if they knew you had donated must have seemed quite petty and materialistic to him. He may have been a little rude in his response, but you were much ruder for bringing it up in the first place. Just my twopence.0 -
Max: in my culture, we give mourners a little 'gift'. I put 'gift' in inverted commas because I'm not sure what the term is in English or if, indeed, there is an equivalent in English. It's our duty as family members of the deceased to do this. Our thinking/philosophy/cultural belief behind this is if people have come to pay their respects, we respect them back.
Update: I have expressed the above to OH. He thinks the guy is in his 80s so not going to be a stalker, I didn't tell him what markdabby said, maybe I should have just lonely.
OH is going to come to lunch with me. If he mentions meeting up again, we're going to say we're really busy for next few months.
Now it's a question of timing and when to meet up.“It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald0 -
Sod that. I think he's looking for wife number 2! Ok I've said it!Sunny_Saver wrote: »Max: in my culture, we give mourners a little 'gift'. I put 'gift' in inverted commas because I'm not sure what the term is in English or if, indeed, there is an equivalent in English. It's our duty as family members of the deceased to do this. Our thinking/philosophy/cultural belief behind this is if people have come to pay their respects, we respect them back.
Update: I have expressed the above to OH. He thinks the guy is in his 80s so not going to be a stalker, I didn't tell him what markdabby said, maybe I should have just lonely.
OH is going to come to lunch with me. If he mentions meeting up again, we're going to say we're really busy for next few months.
Now it's a question of timing and when to meet up.0
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