Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy an engagement gift for my fiance?

AylesburyDuck · 19 April 2017 at 12:23PM

Primrose wrote: »

It must be a modern day practice for a woman to buy her fianc! an engagement present as I've never heard of it. . With all the expenses of a wedding and a new home ahead of you I would have thought it is better now to hold fire on any more expensive spending unless you can think of an inexpensive gift to mark the occasion which isn't going to break the bank, especially if you're not working at the moment. Just because you're planning to get married this isn't an excuse for financial common sense to fly out of the window.

Nope, over 30 years ago i bought my OH a chunky silver ID bracelet as an engagement present.
He however didnt ask for it, it was given freely, and my OH is the sort that if money was needed else where he'd be upset if it was spent on him instead.

midnightraven3 · 19 April 2017 at 12:51PM

The fact he asked for it and is stipulating the value it should be is awful, it takes away the excitement of getting engaged, "here have this, buy me something shiny"

onlyroz · 19 April 2017 at 1:26PM

My husband bought me a bike for an engagement present, and I bought him a new dining table. We've still got the table but the bike got stolen.

Libsylib · 19 April 2017 at 1:49PM

If you are able to do something that you know will make your partner happy, you should do it - meeting your partner's needs is an important part of making a marriage work. If financially you are unable to buy a watch, you should discuss that with him - you are building a life together which includes your finances. Also discuss any money worries with him - open discussion and honesty are important parts of making a marriage work.

KateySW · 19 April 2017 at 2:17PM

... I can't cope. To maybe get him an engagement present is one thing, for him to explicitly ask for one is a whole other issue and he's also dictating how much the present should be?! What kind of proposal was that? "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, will you marry me? *presents ring* now... What's in it for me? By the way, that was £1000. I think the jewellers had some nice watches for the same amount. Make sure it's in white gold, yeah?" This isn't flipping Christmas!!

If he didn't want to buy you an engagement ring because he felt it was unfair for just you to get something, or he also wanted something else to mark the occasion, he should have said this before. I find this so unbelievably crass and for me, it would be ringing major alarm bells.

Before I got engaged, I didn't want nor expect my OH to spend a lot of money on an engagement ring (I wanted a moissanite one because it was cheaper and more ethical anyway). My fiance made that choice himself and he did it because he wanted me to agree to marry him, not with the expectation he'd also get something shiny. I did buy him an engagement present, but it wasn't huge because at the time we were relocating and I had to move jobs, so money was tight. I got him a sentimental gift to mark the occasion. When we get married I plan on getting him something a bit more pricey perhaps, like some nice cufflinks or a pocket watch... But, and this is the important bit, he would never demand it, nor try to dictate how much I spent. And he certainly wouldn't have expected it at a time when we were feeling the pinch.

I'd be asking some serious questions about how this would work out in the future if you have to depend on each other financially etc, but I'm not you... so, to summarise, you aren't being a scrooge. AT. ALL. If you want to get him a gift, do it because you want to. But if you can't right now, be honest with him and tell him he'll have to hold fire, or that you'll get him something to mark the wedding day. And certainly don't let him tell you how much you should spend.

Strewth...:eek:

Jennifer_Layton · 19 April 2017 at 3:10PM

I don't think you should nit your fiance a gift. He proposed to you with a ring and you accepted. End of. You could always argue that if you had known that you would be asked to buy him a gift you would not have accepted either hisring or his proposal! You weren't prepared for this.

Malthusian · 19 April 2017 at 3:40PM

Sell the engagement ring and buy him a watch with the proceeds.

The "engagement ring = month's salary" rule is, as well as a marketing slogan for jewellers, a test to see if you are ready for marriage. If you can't scrape together a month's salary you aren't financially prepared or emotionally mature enough for marriage. He's failed it.

joehoover · 19 April 2017 at 3:43PM

Oh dear, seems odd but a guy I work with won't buy his nieces presents for Christmas unless he gets something back in return of equal value - he is 45 years old and they are about 8 years old. That and your story show there really are these kinda people out there.

Not knowing your partner, I know this guy at work is incredibly selfish, extending to his attitude at work and in the stories you hear about him and his friends/family -of course he completely justifies his every selfish act.

It won't change, they get worse over time. Sorry your dilemma may turn into a crisis, but better think about it now. It's not normal to ask for that after the event, maybe he will return it to get the money back and hey presto his engagement ring cost him nothing!

You have been warned

rwj · 19 April 2017 at 3:58PM

Traditionally the proposer was supposed to spend a month's salary on the ring. It's only fair in this day and age that you spend something similar in return. Of course if you're not working your month's salary would be...nothing...

Fujiko · 19 April 2017 at 4:06PM

Oh dear, who said romance was dead!! My husband-to-be bought me the most expensive ring he could afford at the time. Until I read this dilemma I had never heard of the idea of the woman giving the man an engagement present, still less of him demanding one. If it were me I would give back the ring and think I had had a lucky escape from such a mercenary man! I still have my engagement ring and the gold watch my husband gave me as a wedding present, but I can't remember whether I bought him anything!

I once read that however wealthy a couple may eventually become and however many other items of jewellery a wife may be given the one she treasures above all others is her perhaps comparatively small and inexpensive engagement ring.

Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy an engagement gift for my fiance?

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