Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy an engagement gift for my fiance?

[Deleted User] · 20 April 2017 at 11:28AM

hazyjo wrote: »

Go on, admit it, you're the future husband aren't you

It's not a gift - it's traditional symbolism. I'm sure she'd be over the moon if he wanted to also wear an engagement ring. But he might as well be asking for an iPhone just so that she spends the same as he's spending on her.

Ha, no, I'm not, i'm just stiring things up

I splashed £4500 on my missus ring (Proposed with a 'fake diamond' ring and let her haggle in Hatton Garden for the one she really wanted) about 10 years ago, and bought myself a £300 ipod with the remains of my budget. I had no expectation of her buying me anything even though we were on similar salaries. I've got no interest in an over-priced man-toy watch. I'm very happy with just my wedding ring. She did get me very nice cufflinks for the wedding too.

Now I just need to save up for a 10 year anniversary gift..

Rejast · 20 April 2017 at 11:33AM

I might be slated for this but I really think that the op is hipocritical. So she thinks that there are more practical things to spend her money on than a watch to mark their engagement but it's ok for him to buy her a ring? I would be more sympathetic to her cause if she had suggested returning the ring for a cheaper one to allow them to both have a momento of their engagement.
I know one couple where he proposed with a very nice but 'cheap' ring with the promise that he would upgrade it in the future. They are now married and have brought a house which needs inprovements, everytime he says it may be time to upgrade her ring she responds with maybe we should put the money towards x instead. I think the last x was the kitchen.

Red-Squirrel_2 · 20 April 2017 at 11:58AM

I think it's interesting that there's no suggestion in the OP or any other replies that the fianc! could wear a ring too, on his wedding finger, with the impression that gives if being 'taken'.

Pollycat · 20 April 2017 at 12:06PM

Rejast wrote: »

I might be slated for this but I really think that the op is hipocritical. So she thinks that there are more practical things to spend her money on than a watch to mark their engagement but it's ok for him to buy her a ring? I would be more sympathetic to her cause if she had suggested returning the ring for a cheaper one to allow them to both have a momento of their engagement.

It could have been a surprise proposal with the OP being totally unaware that he had bought a ring.

There is no suggestion in the first post that she was involved in choosing the ring.

Not every shop will accept an engagement ring back as that essentially makes it 2nd hand.

hazyjo · 20 April 2017 at 12:12PM

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

I think it's interesting that there's no suggestion in the OP or any other replies that the fianc! could wear a ring too, on his wedding finger, with the impression that gives if being 'taken'.

I pretty much said it, saying I'm sure she'd be over the moon if he chose to wear one too and that's where the money was going (and that he might as well be asking for an iphone). But it just sounds like he wants something of equal value in case it doesn't work out and she gets to keep the ring...

Jx

Rejast · 20 April 2017 at 4:25PM

Pollycat wrote: »

It could have been a surprise proposal with the OP being totally unaware that he had bought a ring.

There is no suggestion in the first post that she was involved in choosing the ring.

Not every shop will accept an engagement ring back as that essentially makes it 2nd hand.

I understand that it could have been a surprise proposal wth her having no involvement in the choosing of the ring.
My point was more that she is mentioning needing to spend money on more practical things as he has stated he would like a watch but no mention of the fact that the ring she is now wearing has cost money that could have been spent on more practical things too.
I'm sure that jewellers have some sort of standard returns policy for any purchase otherwise every person making a proposal would be majorly out of pocket if they were turned down, brought the wrong size, etc

Dolly_DD · 20 April 2017 at 6:13PM

I agree with the other posters that this should have been discussed prior to the engagement and also the moving home. When we decided to get married 20 odd years ago we spent the £1,000 on a sofa as we badly needed one. To this day, I still don't have an engagement ring, but we are still married. And the sofa is still going strong albeit with new bottom cushions! A ring is a symbol. That is all. I personally don't see the obsession with jewellery around these occasions. I have seen couples that do fall at the first hurdle and I find that sad. Good luck to you both.

Hol55 · 20 April 2017 at 11:13PM

Rejast wrote: »

My point was more that she is mentioning needing to spend money on more practical things as he has stated he would like a watch but no mention of the fact that the ring she is now wearing has cost money that could have been spent on more practical things too.

They've both had to decide how much they're willing to spend on luxury over practicality, but his decision in his circumstances doesn't then make hers unfair or hypocritical on her part. Their respective positions aren't like for like. The big one obviously is that she's not earning right now so has budget limitations, but besides that her fiance had the advantage of time to plan the ring purchase - when (or even if) he wanted to propose, which (if any) ring, how much he'd spend, how he'd fund it. She on the other hand has been landed with a specific demand that she hadn't planned for and doesn't feel financially able to meet. In that respect** his choice was a lot less pressured. He had time to prepare, and if he did for whatever reason make any compromises in what he picked she never has to know unless he tells her. Whereas the fact that he has voiced this expectation has backed her into a corner.

**I specify in that respect because proposing in general's bloody nerve wracking lol

Rejast · 20 April 2017 at 11:53PM

Hol55, I guess put that way I was a litle hasty calling the op hypocritical. I hope that the op and her partner come to a suitable compromise, maybe a promise of a late engagement momento when her financial situation improves or when they are settled in their new home

Pollycat · 21 April 2017 at 7:43AM

Rejast wrote: »

I understand that it could have been a surprise proposal wth her having no involvement in the choosing of the ring.
My point was more that she is mentioning needing to spend money on more practical things as he has stated he would like a watch but no mention of the fact that the ring she is now wearing has cost money that could have been spent on more practical things too.
I'm sure that jewellers have some sort of standard returns policy for any purchase otherwise every person making a proposal would be majorly out of pocket if they were turned down, brought the wrong size, etc

I'm not sure you do understand that it could have been a surprise proposal with her having no involvement in the choosing of the ring.

As I've already posted, if it was a surprise proposal, she would have had no say in how much the ring cost.
She might have preferred to have just a token ring and the majority of money to be spent on more practical things.
She may have had no choice in that at all if it was a surprise proposal.

I'm not convinced that jewellers do have a standard returns policy.
They do not - by law - have to refund or exchange any item because of change of mind (or rejection or a proposal).
Large high street chains may do refunds but a small independant shop may not.

Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy an engagement gift for my fiance?

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