Resilience from betrayal

2

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  • MERFE
    MERFE Posts: 2,133
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    When we moved here, 250 miles from where we were so we sold a lot of furniture to fund the move, we were gifted a fridge by someone upgrading. She was a friend of someone we knew so we don't even know her and it's been perfect, I am not even considering buying a new one to replace it 2 years on. We used the laundrette as well until we had settled in and saved for a washing machine, it took 6 weeks and I managed 2 washes a week for a family of 5, including bedding and towels, the machines are huge. I've seen plenty of tv being sold on facebay for £50-£100. I would definitely try not to add to the debt if possible.
  • andyfromotley
    andyfromotley Posts: 2,038 Forumite
    Adding to your debt would be disasterous. beg borrow or steal to get you started then slowly but surely save and but things as you can afford them. This will give you the most enourmous sense of satisfaction when you look around your new place knowing that you did this the hard way.
    £1000 Emergency fund No90 £1000/1000
    LBM 28/1/15 total debt - [STRIKE]£23,410[/STRIKE] 24/3/16 total debt - £7,298
    !
  • Teacher2
    Teacher2 Posts: 546
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
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    No one on this thread has recommended you to add to your debt and buy new equipment. I'd agree heartily with this excellent advice. You have been advised to look at Freecycle and BHF for free or very cheap goods but I was recommended recently to join 'Streetview'. It is a sharing site for those who live in the local area and one of the catagories it offers is 'Give, Borrow and Lend' where you can ask for and offer unused items. Recently, in my area on the site an animal home asked for and was given a working dishwasher. I, myself, collected some top quality curtain poles and was also lent a wallpaper stripper. People are very generous and like to help and, when you are in a better position (which you will be) you can return favours.

    Your ex sounds a nightmare by the way. Much sympathy and I hope you can get better access to your children.
  • AllyMac
    AllyMac Posts: 102 Forumite
    You could reduce the £700 CSA by up to the whole £700 by having 50/50 shared care parenting arrangements. Then no maintenance is payable.
    Why aren't your children with you more than Saturdays?
    Better for them, and better got your finances!

    Where are you with filing for divorce?
    Even though the debts are now in your name (I won't say her debts as it does depend whether they were run up on family expenses) they will considered part of the marital "pot" when you divide assets - so you should get half back against any other assets you both have.
  • I feel for you. Had the same situation with my husband. I got my clothing and laptop back (thanks to a police escort) but he kept the entire household of furniture, etc, as it was deemed 'a civil matter'. He'd already cleaned me out financially through theft, running up debts, smashing up the flat to 'teach you a lesson' and not contributing because he was determined to remain unemployed and live off me. I had to start over with the last few hundred pounds I had left in my bank account.

    I used Freecycle and Freegle extensively. Within weeks I had chairs to sit on, a mini-fridge, an old style TV (not flat screen), a toaster, laundry airer, kettle, plates and cutlery - you name it. All it cost me was the petrol to go and collect the stuff. 2 years on and I've bought a few nicer things, but still have many Freecycled belongings.

    Soldier on and you can do this. Sending hugs your way (HUGS)
    "The problem with Internet quotes is that you can't always depend on their accuracy" - Abraham Lincoln, 1864
  • I think you need a solicitor both for access and to get some value for the house contents the thing is that if your ex can argue that you don't have a fit place to have the kids to stay, it'll count against you. If however you gained value from your previous home,your current one would be increasingly fit for purpose. Also, did you own the home?
    Mortgage at 01.01.14 £119,481.83:eek: today £0 Emergency fund £5.5/5.5k & £200/200 cash.:jWeight 24/02/19 14st 7lb now 11st 9lb determined to stop defining myself by my mistakes. Progress not perfection.:T100%through my 1% mortgage challenge. 30.15% through my pb challenge.
  • Hi all ,


    Been really lurking and hiding but today I thought Id drop by and give everyone an update for those that are interested. First of all life isn't perfect in fact it can be pretty horrible but my advice to anyone is simply keep positive no matter how hard it gets. In my approach to the utter mess I'm in I've tried to be very pragmatic breaking things into 3 sections , personal , kids and finances.


    Finances


    My job seems to be pretty stable for now which has given me a chance to slowly get things sorted although I did have a scare when the dreaded WFR ( work force reduction ) was deemed a possibility.
    This simply promoted me to get my CV updated and keep networking although as I'm only 6 months in I really do want to give my current employer a chance due to the flexibility of the position but will see.


    Job aside I pretty much live by my cash flow spreadsheet ( sounds impressive but honestly its very simple ) what that does its gives me the chance to know where I should be give or take each month. This his driven me to know what I can spend each month without over extending while maintaining a downward reduction in debt.


    Parents paid off and managed to reduce the debt to £11 K while building up a £1k in reserve. I guess I could put it on the debt to reduce it but then I honestly believe its nice to have a little reserve just in case.

    Kids


    Had a few bumps along the road especially towards the lead up to Christmas however things have really settled down and I guess its all about maintain routine. Contact them twice a week while have them every alternative weekend. Not perfect but better than it has been.


    Do try and do things with them however it can be difficult without personal transportation. That said going for a walk down in the woods can be just as fun. Have been pondering taking them on holiday in the summer but still not sure. Have two weeks if I want but was thinking more realistically maybe a few days to week and taking it from there.


    Personal


    The best to last lol... Can honestly say the debt or loss of personal items hasn't upset me as I'm not materialistic and for the debt it is to simply pay ensuring I have enough to live on. The hardest part has been the adjustment and has felt at time like death by a thousand cuts. Have been in some very dark places maybe some call it depression but I think that word is to readily used and misunderstood for me its maybe going through the motions. Yes I've cried , been an emotional wreck, never felt more alone and have even thought of ending it all however have slowly managed to adapt by simply trying to keep positive no matter what.


    Overall objectives are to keeping discipline in finances by reducing debt hopefully to 9.5k by May while trying to become less of a recluse and keeping positive.
  • ratrace
    ratrace Posts: 1,009
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
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    thanks for the update
    Hi, mate glad you are working through things and you sound a lot more positive, if you dont mind me asking im a little confused of your situation i have a mate going through a similar situation ok here goes

    First of all why did YOU move out of the family home when you did absolutely nothing wrong it was HER that was cheating yet she is still living there

    Same with the kids and you having to pay maintenance, whats all that about it should be you living in the house with them, you are the innocent one in this whole saga, if this other bloke is so good then he should take her in to his place. this is all very very unfair on you as you have done nowt wrong. it was her who couldnt be faithfull not you

    fight this all the way mate if you can

    Sorry mate i dont mean to offend or anything but i have a mate who is going through somthing similar, it just seems to me that the blokes come of far worse in thease situations. its out of order she has the kids, house, new bloke, etc... while the innocent person has to pay csa and only see his kids on weekends

    once again sorry mate didnt mean to offend, im just a bit annoyed at the system
    People are caught up in an egotistic artificial rat race to display a false image to society. We want the biggest house, fanciest car, and we don't mind paying the sky high mortgage to put up that show. We sacrifice our biggest assets our health and time, We feel happy when we see people look up to us and see how successful we are”

    Rat Race
  • pogofish
    pogofish Posts: 10,852
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    edited 20 March 2017 at 6:33PM
    Well done for getting out of that.

    If its any help, with my breakup, I was lucky enough to have a roof over my head as I'd kept-on my old place with a view to renting it out, so I had just to get out of my share of the debt for the place I had with my ex, plus some joint stuff to settle.

    Although we did eventually come to a fair and amicable financial arrangement, via a third party and email (so all provable) I was still left with a shedload of debt and the determined resolve to clear it as quickly as possible without adding to it, jeopardising my own home or getting in any deeper.

    So I set myself the strictest budget imaginable and lived like a monk for a few years - Then, after a promotion/pay rise I was able to consolidate and pay more, so finally I paid-off everything before I was fifty (just!) and I can strongly recommend doing so - Its been plain sailing financially since, a huge amount of the stress I'd been living with since my 30s was lifted, I'm saving well and can afford stuff without having to service any debt.

    So I'd say to do it cheaply and wait till you get a bit of money in the bank again before any avoidable major spending - It may be a bit boring but its amazing how cheaply a single guy can live if you put your mind to it. There is lots of help and advice here :)
  • Stb_2
    Stb_2 Posts: 51 Forumite
    Hi Prometheus, sounds like you're doing an amazing job well done. In a similar situation to yourself at the moment so fully appreciate your comments on children and holidays. I've decide I will try and have them to stay at my place (where ever that turns out to be!) and have bought a tent for weekends away. Lots of options open to you and practice makes perfect. Sorry your having such a rough time of it at the moment, your positive attitude is clearly pulling you through so try and stay focused on the long game. Will check in on you now and again if you like? Cheers
    Virgin 0% CC £1092
    Overdraft £0 at 27.02.2017
    Savings target £2000 by year end
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