I don't think it gets much worse than this. Feel totally beaten

117pauline · 12 February 2017 at 2:17PM

I can't imagine how awful it has been for you, knowing the situation was so bad and keeping it secret.

As others have said it's a great start but now comes the messy bit.

Your first SOA is how you think you have been spending but probably isn't.

SOAs are a work in progress. Perhaps you and your wife can sit down together and have a look at your bank statements and credit card bills to find out how you are really spending.

It's going to take a couple of months to really understand how you spend. Are you and your wife emotional spenders? Do you shop/buy when you are tired, time stretched, fed up? These are the S** It moments which you really need to understand.

Keep a spending diary for everything, including debt repayments for a couple of months. Yes, it can be a pain but it will help in the long term. Identify your trigger points and work out ways to avoid them.

I hope I haven't sounded too negative but this is now your home project. The two of you together can sort this and come back stronger and wiser.

Please build in an emergency fund as soon as possible. Also a small S** It budget for when things are tough. Small sustainable steps and goals will make a huge difference.

Good luck
Pauline

Fireflyaway · 12 February 2017 at 6:40PM

You have not let your son down because you have a good income and are providing for him. In addition, you have actually calculated your debt and made a plan to tackle it. Most people do have debt of some sort and many do nothing about it but you are taking action and will pass on your new good habits to your son.
Take a moment to watch Dave Ramsey's debt free screams on YouTube. Very inspirational. There are folks on there who pay off hundreds of thousands and some who have very low incomes or circumstances that make it really tough but they get through it just like you are going to. You have spare income so there is no reason why this won't work. Remember to cut the cards up!

worriedDan · 13 February 2017 at 12:35AM

itchyfeet123 wrote: »

It does make you deceitful. You don't have the right to unilaterally decide what's best. Your decisions affect her, and she has the right to know where things stand.

As a practical matter, how do you expect to clear the debt if your wife isn't part of the process? Is she going to be on board with a lot of belt tightening if she doesn't know the magnitude of the problem? On another thread you mentioned that you have been in charge of the money for some time; without meaning to sound harsh, that doesn't seem to have worked out so well, so maybe it's time your wife had some input.

You say that things are difficult, but I guarantee they will be more difficult if your wife finds out you've been hiding this from her.

Anyway, as others have said, you are in a pretty good place for clearing this quickly. You have comfortably 3k/month to pay towards debt (current minimums plus your monthly excess). You can do this easily, and without being particularly frugal, within two years.

I would reconsider your pension contribution, assuming you have an employer match. Usually saving while you're paying interest is foolish, but judging from your salary you're at the type of place that offers a pretty generous match, probably in the range of 100-200% (i.e you pay 8% and they pay 16% or similar). Even if you were only paying 2700/month instead of 3000/month towards your debt, you'll still comfortably clear it within 2 years. If your employer doesn't offer a match, then you should continue to forego the contributions until your debt is paid.

Thank you for your post. Your post was probably the one that made me approach my wife yesterday. There is still work to be done on keeping the lines of communication open, but at least she knows that basically, we are in a mess!

worriedDan · 13 February 2017 at 12:42AM

Worrierwalker wrote: »

Pay as much of your debts off with your surplus as you can- it will reduce faster than you think. If it helps, clear cc1 first, then 2 etc.
Also, get back into your pension scheme as soon as you can.

Thank you - rejoining pension scheme January 2018.

LabRatty wrote: »

It's a really good start.

In addition, I'd
- get some contents insurance set up - not expensive but vital in the event of total loss through (for example) fire.
- put the next two months budgeted council tax payments away in a separate account as the start of your emergency fund. (Tesco current account is easy to open online and pays 3% on balances up to £3000 with no conditions attached).
- have a look at the eligibility checker and apply very selectively for a 0% BT card with the highest chance of acceptance. Doesn't matter if you're offered a lower limit than you'd ideally like; every little helps. Transfer what you can and snowball the remainder.

Once again, well done on getting a handle on this. It looks as if you'll be someone who treats it as a project, and take pride in achieving interim targets.

All the best,
LR

Thank you - we do actually have contents insurane - I just put it all as one figure on the SOA

Not sure I will get additional 0% deals right now but I will definitely have a go!

zippygeorgeandben · 13 February 2017 at 12:45AM

please try not to worry Dan - you're a stronger team together.

worriedDan · 13 February 2017 at 12:49AM

zippygeorgeandben wrote: »

please try not to worry Dan - you're a stronger team together.

Thank you! Trying hard to focus on the positives!

chevalier · 13 February 2017 at 6:27AM

why do you have to wait until January 2018 to opt back into the pension scheme? You have enough disposable income that you could do it now. 12 * 300 = 3600 you won't pay in and 7200 if you add your employers payments. so that is a lot of money to forego when you don't 'really' need to. Also is your wife in a pension scheme also?
chev

ani*fan · 13 February 2017 at 8:23AM

Hi there worriedDan

Good to meet you and welcome to the boards.

It looks to me like you are getting this well under control. Well done. You also said that you recently had a big pay increase so possibly accruing the debt was before that happened? Whatever, you're in a strong position now and it looks like you're about to make the best of it.

I think everyone's advice so far has been good so I'll not add to it. 0% transfers, budgets, spending diaries, all good.

Regarding this...

worriedDan wrote: »

I managed to have another debt conversation with my wife this morning. We were talking about refinancing some of the debt that is not 0%. She asked " so how much we owe exactly?"... at this point I clammed up ( again). Still struggling to get the " we owe 50K" words out. I told her that I didn't know the exact amount ( this is true as the figures on my SOA were approximate figures) but that we were talking about tens of thousands of pounds. I asked her if she wanted me to access our credit reports and write a list of all of our debts and balances. She laughed and said no and that it was not necessary. She also said that she knew that it was under control as we don't receive threatening phone calls, letters etc. The mortgage is always paid on time and there is food in the fridge.

Lots of people on here worry about telling their partners so you're not alone. So far, you've been hinting at things and trying to introduce your wife gently. After you posted the above, it occurred to me that sometimes knowing a little is worse than knowing the whole story. Your wife's imagination may be running wild, are we going to get bailiffs at the door? How worried do I need to be? Are there actually threatening letters that you've been hiding? Ignorance is often not bliss at all.

I say you sit down with her once the wee one is in bed and give it your full attention. Work out the new budget together and decide how you're going to work it (new bank accounts? Envelope system? Whatever). Tell her how much you're hoping to repay every month, all in a calm and reassuring way, and let her know it can be done without any impact on your credit rating, nasty letters or anything else. You're in a strong position so emphasise that. There is more than enough to pay the bills and put food on the table. Then tell her that you're going to have to budget like that for a while because this is the total and it's therefore going to take a few years. She's your partner and equal and she needs to know.

You could always go a step further and share that you've been very worried about it all and didn't want to let her or your little one down. You could tell her that you just wanted to protect her from all this because you care so much. She has every right to be a bit angry and upset with you since you've been in charge of the cash, but she also sounds like a sensible woman and everyone on here can see that your intentions were good, so I'm sure she'll see that too. It can bring you closer together if you're both fully on board.

Best of luck. I've subscribed.

DesignNotDefault · 13 February 2017 at 11:24AM

117pauline wrote: »

Are you and your wife emotional spenders? Do you shop/buy when you are tired, time stretched, fed up? These are the S** It moments which you really need to understand.

Keep a spending diary for everything, including debt repayments for a couple of months. Yes, it can be a pain but it will help in the long term. Identify your trigger points and work out ways to avoid them.

Couldn't agree more with this - becoming aware of and controlling emotions (and spending as a result) is definitely one of the steps of debt control.

worriedDan · 13 February 2017 at 12:15PM

ani*fan wrote: »

Hi there worriedDan

Good to meet you and welcome to the boards.

It looks to me like you are getting this well under control. Well done. You also said that you recently had a big pay increase so possibly accruing the debt was before that happened? Whatever, you're in a strong position now and it looks like you're about to make the best of it.

I think everyone's advice so far has been good so I'll not add to it. 0% transfers, budgets, spending diaries, all good.

Regarding this...

Lots of people on here worry about telling their partners so you're not alone. So far, you've been hinting at things and trying to introduce your wife gently. After you posted the above, it occurred to me that sometimes knowing a little is worse than knowing the whole story. Your wife's imagination may be running wild, are we going to get bailiffs at the door? How worried do I need to be? Are there actually threatening letters that you've been hiding? Ignorance is often not bliss at all.

I say you sit down with her once the wee one is in bed and give it your full attention. Work out the new budget together and decide how you're going to work it (new bank accounts? Envelope system? Whatever). Tell her how much you're hoping to repay every month, all in a calm and reassuring way, and let her know it can be done without any impact on your credit rating, nasty letters or anything else. You're in a strong position so emphasise that. There is more than enough to pay the bills and put food on the table. Then tell her that you're going to have to budget like that for a while because this is the total and it's therefore going to take a few years. She's your partner and equal and she needs to know.

You could always go a step further and share that you've been very worried about it all and didn't want to let her or your little one down. You could tell her that you just wanted to protect her from all this because you care so much. She has every right to be a bit angry and upset with you since you've been in charge of the cash, but she also sounds like a sensible woman and everyone on here can see that your intentions were good, so I'm sure she'll see that too. It can bring you closer together if you're both fully on board.

Best of luck. I've subscribed.

Thank you for your post. I sat her down on Saturday morning and talked to her about our new budget. I had put together a spreadsheet showing what we have to pay out and how much if left for debt payments. I showed her this spreadsheet and we both agreed that it was appropriate. We agreed to view it as a 3-4 year journey. She knows that we need to pay around £1500 per month in order to clear the debt in this time frame so this suggests that she has already thought about the total figure. I still haven't said ! we owe 50 odd grand, however I have given her every other bit of info to allow her to work it out for herself! I also offered to print a list of all of our debts and balances but she told me not to.

I also told her that I hadn't been managing the debt particularly well for the previous 12 months and that I was sorry. She said that I didn't need to be sorry and that it was down to both of us.

I kind of feel like I have done all that I can do for now in terms of confessing/disclosure etc. I have been on the edge of my nerves all weekend so I just want us to get on with paying it now.

Thanks again

I don't think it gets much worse than this. Feel totally beaten

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free