First Wedding Meltdown

Sat here trying not to cry.

When trying to go to sleep after going to the pub last September, my OH decided 'Did you think that marriage might be a thing you'd be interested in?' said in pitch dark at the back of my head counted as a proposal. I said yes, waited until he woke up the next morning to find out whether he really meant it and told myself not to be so stupid for feeling sad because I couldn't even see him, much less get the Wow feeling of somebody going down on one knee and proposing.

It's now March and I'm not allowed to have a cheap silver engagement ring because he can't afford to buy one. He's self employed. Well, would be if he could get any work or people would pay him on time when he does.

He asked the person I wanted to give me away (my Dad died years ago) to be his best man without telling me what he was thinking. If he had, I would have said so, as I don't have any family left.

He needs to get a copy of his divorce papers because he's lost them, but can't afford to do it. He won't let me pay for them.

He really wants to organise everything because his ex and her family left him feeling like a spare part from the moment he asked her. When I'm feeling mardy, I'm not exactly surprised about it if this was how he went about things then. They also paid for everything, so I guess they felt they could.

I've bought a cheap dress that is shoved at the back of the wardrobe still in its plastic bag from Amazon. It's nice, but it's a £25 dress bought online. I can't take it out and try it on because he is always in when I get back from work and he says I'll have to buy a new one if he sees even a bit of it. It's going to take about four hours to iron it, as it's so cheap, they folded it up into a packet less than A4 size. But we don't even have an iron or ironing board since the old one broke.

I've been looking up the prices for registry office things. I can't stand the idea of marrying here, as it's a horrible area, the registry office is horrible, the place is filled with drunks and the park is being dug up and flats put on it. Except for the dirty bit where the addicts go to the toilet and drop their needles. But even the fees for nobody else coming are too much for me to afford on my own. And then there's the paperwork, the booking, I can't afford to take time off work unpaid, no honeymoon as work would refuse permission anyway if they haven't made me redundant by then - I've just escaped it twice in the last year - and he might have a couple of days work either side of the date I wanted (it's the only thing I wanted, a date that was special to us) and we can't afford anything, wedding rings and shoes, a bunch of flowers, getting somebody to do something with my horrible hair and the cost of the bus fare home again.


I didn't think anybody would ever want to marry me, I love him very much, but I really wish I could have had a romantic proposal, one I could have seen, I want to wear a dress that costs more than my bus pass, I want to look pretty for once in my life. but I just can't see how to afford all this in a million years, never mind eight months. And I'm going to be there all on my own. At least he has family that would come if we could afford to pay for guests.

I'm not looking for thousands of pounds of stuff. I want to feel special, have flower petals thrown at me (I'm going to collect and dry them myself over the summer) and feel like I'm not second best to everybody else who can afford to pay their bills and get married. But I don't. I don't think we can do this. And I want to cry.



Can somebody give me a kick?
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Comments

  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451
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    Why 8 months? Why not 20 months so same date a year later and that gives you some time.

    You need to get a new job or work out a way to make more money in your current job, or get a new job if that's possible.

    You don't need to get married in your local registry, you can get married in any registry office though the pretty ones might have less availability so you need to book quickly, especially if your date is on a Saturday!

    Your dress from Amazon is lovely, I'm sure it is and I've never seen it. Your partner will have to go down the pub or do a bit of over time to give you time home alone to have a twirl in it. You can buy things online to glam it up if you feel that you want to, my dress looked a bit plain until I found a belt on eBay and with the belt (white with pearly bits and sparkly bits) and a £7.99 tiara from eBay as well it really looks the part.

    Your hair, well do you have a friend who can do hair? My sister is the only person who can tame my mop. In Scotland we have a web site called 5pm where restaurants and salons post up offers like heavily discounted hair cuts and colours or nail and waxing packages, you need to pre pay and book from a list of set days and times, do you have a web site like that down south? If that isn't possible try asking your local hair dressing college if they have a student salon and get them to do your hair that morning (don't mention the W word though).

    I think you need to get some savings behind you, even just enough to cover the registry fees and the essentials like transport (surely someone can give you a lift?).
  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451
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    Oh and don't iron your dress (well do if it's really bad but on low heat and be careful). The lady who did my alterations told me to just hang my dress in the bathroom after a shower and keep the door closed for a few hours. The steam from the shower will help the creases fall out
  • nimbo
    nimbo Posts: 3,698
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    I'm planning my wedding (in my head) as he hasn't yet proposed. He has however had my grandmas ring altered. So unlesss he plans to give it to a floozie he'd better be proposing.

    We don't have a house. And having seen his sisters wedding and knowing how much must have been spent I have no intentions of spending that. I like the idea of a registry office. He's religious so will possibly want a church. Her dress was at least £1500 and her dog shat on it after the event as it was strewn across the floor.

    I intend to have an Amazon dress. With a fabulous petticoat! I'm planning to have a house party to celebrate. My wedding cake will be a home made pavlova off. (I'm going to make one - ask my mum to make one and my partners uncle makes a legendary pavlova - but obviously not as good as my mothers).

    I hate the idea of people all looking at me. And if I get to make the deciding vote I'd like to get married in the smallest room our local registry office has so we can only invite 4 people to the actual day. I probably won't get away with that.

    Just because I'm planning something small and cheap (like the budgie) doesn't mean I won't feel like a princess. I'm serioulsy hoping we can do it all for under £1000. I'm hoping that can include some change for a weekend in somewhere dead exotic like Whitby (kind of local to us).

    If you're feeling dejected about it - consider putting it off for another 12 months. It gives you longer to save. Pay for one small thing each payday. And make things that you can use.

    Look on pintrest for super cheap and free ideas. E g painted tin cans with holes hammered in them. Very cheap. Look good and can be stored if needed. Some of the ideas you'd need to be Martha Stewart to pull off. But not all. Look around on gumtree for freebies and on fleabay for things shipped from china. They can take a while to arrive - but can be pennies.

    Also if you need your partner to know how you feel and understand this you may have to tell him directly. Some men are very intuitive. Most aren't. I intend to feel like a princess on a very tight budget - it can be done. I hope. Haha.

    Stashbuster - 2014 98/100 - 2015 175/200 - 2016 501 / 500 2017 - 200 / 500 2018 3 / 500
    :T:T
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,578
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    GlasweJen wrote: »
    Oh and don't iron your dress (well do if it's really bad but on low heat and be careful). The lady who did my alterations told me to just hang my dress in the bathroom after a shower and keep the door closed for a few hours. The steam from the shower will help the creases fall out
    Hmmm.

    The dressmaker who altered my sister's wedding dress told us that too.

    'A few hours'?

    We had our shower running for days, the dress was still creased to hell.

    I had to iron it whilst my OH supported it.
    It really was the most stressful thing I've ever had to do.
    I felt physically sick.
    Don't leave it to the last minute, Glaswejen.

    As for the OP's post - the man she's planning to marry sounds controlling.

    Rather than giving her a kick (see last sentence), I'd advise her to run for the hills.
  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451
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    Pollycat wrote: »
    Hmmm.

    The dressmaker who altered my sister's wedding dress told us that too.

    'A few hours'?

    We had our shower running for days, the dress was still creased to hell.

    I had to iron it whilst my OH supported it.
    It really was the most stressful thing I've ever had to do.
    I felt physically sick.
    Don't leave it to the last minute, Glaswejen.

    As for the OP's post - the man she's planning to marry sounds controlling.

    Rather than giving her a kick (see last sentence), I'd advise her to run for the hills.

    My dress got steamed in the shop, the advice was for a bridesmaids dress that got squashed in transit and it came out really quickly. It is a China cheapie so we knew it was a gamble but the material is really floaty and that's probably why it came out quickly. If it had taken ages I'd have probably attacked it with the steam thing we use for the kitchen. I'm sure someone you know will have one, mum and her church friends are obsessed with them for some reason.

    I don't know about controlling, maybe bricking it about the expense? If they're not a high income house and just about getting by then a wedding can be really scary to pay for. Everything is so expensive and no one is in a hurry to tell you to cut back on money.

    It's normal for men to get funny about seeing the wedding dress (or at least it is here in the west of Scotland), possibly not demanding a whole new dress but it is considered bad luck for a man to see the wedding dress before the wedding.

    For the engagement ring, if he can't afford it then he can't afford it. OP said he's self employed and struggles to get people to pay on time which is a problem for a lot of small businesses.
  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451
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    I re-read the OP and wanted to add:

    Get your dress out the packet and hung up ASAP. Buy a cheap suit bag from the pound shop or eBay to hide it in so the OH doesn't see it. The longer it's mashed up the harder it will be to iron. Hang it and let gravity have a shot with the creases for the next few months).

    You'll be amazed at who wants to come to a wedding and you don't pay for people to travel. We're getting married in Glasgow and have people flying in from Israel, London and Wales. They just got a normal invite then replied to say they were coming, I'm certainly not paying their flights or accommodations though I did recommend some local hotels with good rates.

    I invited the ladies from work to the evening do and two asked to come and watch the ceremony and come back to the evening, I was amazed but said of course they can come.

    Now that we're on count down people are handing us gifts who we would never dream of getting gifts from. A neighbour of his mum gave us nice tea towels, one of my patients sent in chocolates and non-alcoholic fizzy for the work girls for my last day, a distant friend of the family who doesn't even live in the EU any more posted us a present and we've got so many cards and we're not even married yet! I've had to start a list in case I miss someone when doing the thank you cards.
  • nimbo
    nimbo Posts: 3,698
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    Have you spoken to him? Get a feel for what you both think you need and then want. My local registry office and the one I'll use are different and some of their charges differ - if you have a choice shopping round may help.

    I didn't read your first post as him being controlling - more you're both worried about how to pay for a wedding? Is that right?

    Stashbuster - 2014 98/100 - 2015 175/200 - 2016 501 / 500 2017 - 200 / 500 2018 3 / 500
    :T:T
  • 7roland8
    7roland8 Posts: 3,601
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    Yes think you definitely need to talk. If that person is who you want to give you away why cannot boyfriend get someone else to be bestman?


    Also he cannot take over your wedding as his first was spoilt for him. Most men would not want to be involved with details anyway. tell him you need to know what is going on and agree on items.


    Start by making a list of everything. I'm sure lots of friends would love to help - maybe they could throw you a buffet at village or church hall. If lots bring different food it need not cost a lot.


    I'm sure your dress will be lovely - definitely try steaming - at a friends house if necessary.


    Some might love to decorate or do flowers and simple table decorations or design cheap invites on their pc - everyone has different skills so use your friends.


    Regardng money - its good now to work out all the costs - the necessary ones such as registry office and divorce papers. then you'll know realistically whether its workable or not.
    Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -- Sally Koch
  • Silvertabby
    Silvertabby Posts: 8,970
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    He needs to get a copy of his divorce papers because he's lost them, but can't afford to do it. He won't let me pay for them. Posted by OP
    ........... Sweetie, are you sure he really is divorced?
  • FutureGirl
    FutureGirl Posts: 1,252
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    We had to book our wedding and start saving 3 YEARS before, in order to get everything we wanted.
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