Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

romina · 17 August 2011 at 1:10PM

I moved to Germany to give birth to my son and spend my maternity leave there (German husband) with a view to staying permanently. Decided that I wanted to go back to work, so son and I moved back to the UK when he was 10 months old. He's now 7 and my husband has been over here at weekends since then. He flies back friday evenings and goes back very early Monday morning. He's made several buddies on the plane - lots of people do the same.

I get a lot of family support here - otherwise it would be impossible (I have a job and a commute) - but more than that, my son gets enormous benefits from living in an extended family. Sometimes it is really difficult being a single parent all week and readjusting to being a 2 parent family at the weekend - but you can get through lots of things if you work at them.

In terms of your relationship - a lot of people worry that the other person will meet someone else. Actually feel like I trust my husband more - if he wanted to see someone else over there, I'd probably never find out - but in a strange way, that means that my only option is to trust him. Also - if he cares enough to work like a demon and get up at 3.30am every Monday to fly back - that must mean he wants to come here in the first place!

I would agree with a previous poster though - have you actually been screed for PND? Just becuase your friend has different symptoms doesn't mean that you don't have it. To not be homesick for 17 years and for it then to develop post birth might mean something else. I had PND too - and felt better when back in the UK on visits - even before I had any treatment, just as you say you do - that doesn't rule it out either...

Good luck!

N.I.M · 17 August 2011 at 1:11PM

clearmydebts wrote: »

There is now work in Ireland at the moment.

Unfortuneately thats unlikely to change for at LEAST 12 months, Irelands in a VERY deep hole and has a lot of climing to do to get back out.

clearmydebts wrote: »

I do think we could survive not seeing each other, but I do wonder if he is better to take condensed hours in his current job so that he is home every Thursday evening rather than home late on a Friday evening from Germany and then back on a Sunday afternoon. Condensed hours would take longer to pay off the debt, but would mean more time together as a family.

Is your marriage worth risking on an "I think?" For me its the condensed hours no question. I'm not bothered about how well I live as long as the one I love is there next to me all the time.

clearmydebts wrote: »

I think the contract work woule be for a year, with OH continuing to look for work in Ireland. The only problem is that if the work dried up, or no job turned up in Ireland.

As I said above I'll be very surprised if anything shows up in Ireland in the next couple of years, and keep in mind the cost of living over there is a LOT higher than in the UK

Fujiko wrote: »

For goodness sake, GROW UP! You married the man which in my book means a lifelong commitment and you really can't keep running back to Mummy just because you miss Ireland. The fact that you are expecting another baby which you seem not to be able to afford only complicates matters further because you will obviously not be in a position to work for some time, so it is up to you to give your first loyalty to your husband who is going to have to provide for you all and clear your debts. In my opinion you should put your husband and children first, and go with him to Germany. If you are determined to be homesick what difference will a few more miles make, and you never know, you might even enjoy it!

Fujiko, I'm afraid I have to call you in on the way you approached this one. I agree that first loyalty is to the husband...HOWEVER a husbands first priority then has to be the happiness and wellfare of his family. As to their pregnancy, should she abort it cause they can't afford it? Because it is inconvenient? Or maybe...just maybe theres more to the story than you understand? At the risk of being accused of being a bible basher or whatever "Judge not, lest ye be judged"

Your comment on homesickness convinces me you are probably one of these people who insists on being called "european" or else have never been parted from your family for more than your holidays. I'll tell you this much, the call of Ireland to the heart of any proud greeblooded Irishman or Irishwoman is not something to be taken lightly so I'd advise you not to insult it when you know nothing of it.

In my opinion, you could have been a helpful and friendly MSE'r and just written "In my opinion you should put your husband and children first, and go with him to Germany. You never know, you might even enjoy it!"

But no, you needed to be a judgemental lil git who needed to make themself feel better by belittling others. Theres a word for people like you...BULLY!

Now CMD, if you guys are set on the whole he goes to germany/condensed hours in the UK thats fine, but you need to travel to see him along with him coming back to see you. Were it me I'd want my wife and kids with me as much as possible. I know how stong the song of eileen can be, but remember you did choose your life, husband and kids in the UK, and Ireland is kinda up s*** creek without a paddle economically at the moment and jobs are VERY thin on the ground, I've looked. So don't imagine that 12 months time he could be there with you. Work to "It could be 10 years before he works in the country we live in" and see how you guys feel about it then.

Seakay · 17 August 2011 at 1:36PM

I don't think that this is a moral problem, your decision must be based on what you and your husband want for yourselves, each other and your family and on the financial requirements that you have.

The only moral issue might be if you are forcing your husband to do anything that he doesn't want to do eg
Does he want to live in Ireland or is it just that you want to be near your biological family
Where does his family live? Does he like to be near them and visit them often?
Does he want to work in Germany?
Does he want to work all week and then spend hours on a round trip to see his family for a few hours?
Will you miss him more than Ireland if he is away?
If not are you married to the right person?

Also, what exactly are the financial benefits of each scenario and have you explored them all?

Would you pay off your debts faster and then be able to change location as a family if you stayed where you are while he worked away?
How long is the contract work likely to last?

satori · 17 August 2011 at 1:51PM

My father, my grandfather and my uncles (Army, Navy, engineering) worked overseas all their lives. They would be away from 'home' for 4 to 6 months at a time (merchant navy), 11 months a year (engineering), and even for several years, without leave (WW1 and WW2). On top of that, during the 2 world wars, there was the strong possibility that they might never come back, and even that they might be reported 'missing, presumed dead', which was the case for my father during WW2, when he was a POW of the Japs. He was not married yet, but his parents were extremely worried, and blaming themselves for having allowed him to leave France in June 1940, when he was only 18.
I know it's hard for you to be separated from your husband, but you can keep in touch thanks to the phone and the internet, and see each other several times a year.
If the contract is for a long enough period, why don't you move to Germany? It is a very child-friendly country, and I bet there will be many expats' housewives you can socialise with where your husband will be working. Not to mention the fact that if your husband manages to stay there for a couple of years, your kids will have the opportunity to learn German, a wonderful asset for their future careers!

Gillsx · 17 August 2011 at 1:57PM

If he relocates on the short time till the debt is payed then you will have a better life as a family once debt is payed off and you're in Ireland. But don't forget that there are also cons which could mean you drift apart. I've lived separate from my husband before and it made us stronger and enjoy every second of the weekend with each other. I think if you know its not forever and make those moments special when you are together then it's worth doing.

Fujiko · 17 August 2011 at 2:22PM

Sorry to disappoint you NIM but I regard being described as European as not far short of an insult! I am English/Scottish and apart from the first three years of my quite long marriage have always lived some considerable distance from my family, moving twice because of my husband's work after the birth of our daughter who, incidentally, herself lived in the Far East for four years, again because of her husband's work and during the birth of her first child, so as a family we do know something about being homesick. Did we miss each other? Of course we did, but I would suggest that being geographically close is not necessarily the most important thing, given that we all have to make choices about our lives which are rarely totally satisfactory. Could I suggest that family support, concern and dare I say love cannot be diminished by distance? That was certainly my experience.

John_Pierpoint · 17 August 2011 at 2:36PM

ISAmad wrote: »

The UK is no place to raise a child. Money worries aside.

If you've got the chance, get your kid out. It's like Lord of Flies.

clearmydebts wrote: »

I think it would take about 12 months. The worry is that there won't be a job when he does stop contracting, and also whether compressed hours might be a better option, as although it would take longer to pay off debt, at least the job is safe and he gets 4 nights in Ireland & 3 in the UK.

The man with a wife and children has given hostages to fortune.
If you have trouble with money or health, then you will start sliding backwards down the global rat race league table. Those are the two priorities

Contracting is usually more risky than being a permanent employee; but no job is safe in a debt ridden economy; Other things being equal, I cannot see the attraction in moving to a country that is one of the PIIGS club. How are the Irish relatives making out?
Where do the children's 4 grandparents live?
In Africa they say it takes a whole village to raise a child - what sort of support can the children's near relatives offer you both?
Why is it that the further the people of Irish descent live from Ireland the more attractive it becomes?

It is very difficult to comment further without knowing your housing situation (Renting?), your current support network and the employable skills you are both able to offer.

I won't bother to list the occupations where the principle bread winner has nights away from home regularly.

Augustus_the_Strong · 17 August 2011 at 2:44PM

A real dilemma for a change! This would probably work ok if you can manage without your husband (maybe with help of Irish family), and if it's time-limited. Otherwise, why not consider all moving to Germany, as someone has suggested? You may feel homesick but you may find it's a great opportunity. Once enough money is made to pay off your debt, you can all move to Ireland. Best of luck.

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 3:00PM

Some more details and then I promise I will respond to everyone.

The situation for us in the UK is that we are renting. We do own a flat that was purchased before we had children and it isn't suitable to live there as it is 2nd floor with no lift. We are tied into a mortgage there until 2013 so can't sell. Luckily we are not in negative equity as we bought in 2003.

I have a good career but the situation with regards the cull in tax credits means that we cannot afford childcare over here once I give birth to baby number 2, as the childcare would be more than my part-time income. It wouldn't improve much if I went full-time and both of us agree that we want me to be there for the babies so part-time is the only option. However, the cost of living where we currently are is so high that we can't afford to live on OH's wages once my maternity runs out. Or could survive but would have no money to do a thing.

Moving back to Ireland means I could be a full-time Mum. I would most likely go back part-time though, and I would get some help with childcare from extended family so we would have much more disposable income.

clearmydebts · 17 August 2011 at 3:02PM

Fujiko wrote: »

Sorry to disappoint you NIM but I regard being described as European as not far short of an insult! I am English/Scottish and apart from the first three years of my quite long marriage have always lived some considerable distance from my family, moving twice because of my husband's work after the birth of our daughter who, incidentally, herself lived in the Far East for four years, again because of her husband's work and during the birth of her first child, so as a family we do know something about being homesick. Did we miss each other? Of course we did, but I would suggest that being geographically close is not necessarily the most important thing, given that we all have to make choices about our lives which are rarely totally satisfactory. Could I suggest that family support, concern and dare I say love cannot be diminished by distance? That was certainly my experience.

So if you truly know what it likes to be homesick, properly homesick, why dismiss what I am feeling??? And your situation was quite different. You had to live a considerable distance away. The distance I am talking about is commutable at weekends, so way more different to what you went through.

Real Life MMD: Should my husband move away for a better job?

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