ADVICE PLSE - Should I help pay off my partner's debts

brighteyes78 · 17 April 2007 at 1:19PM

Hello all,
This is my first post, so please forgive me if I'm contravening any kind of etiquette!

I've been inspired by this site and this forum and over the past year or so I've been living very modestly and aggressively tackling my debt (was about £4k) - I'm now on course to be debt free in about July this year (hurrah!). I'm grateful to everyone whose advice has helped me achieve this and I was really looking to having a little extra cash each month once I am all paid up and hoping to start saving seriously for the future.

My partner however, still has debts of about £13k. He's paying out a large sum every month on a loan to tackle this but he struggles to meet the repayment and make it through the month without borrowing from me. He researched the market and got the lowest possible rate on his loan, so there's no saving to be had by changing credit provider. He has been stupid with money in the past (haven't we all?) but has now learnt his lesson and is determined to address it, which is great. As he is restricted every month as to what he can afford do, he feels he is holding me back and his pride is hurt when he has to borrow from me each month.

My dilemma is this; once my debt is paid, should I abandon the idea of savings and my personal financial freedom in favour of helping him pay off his debts for another couple of years? I could potentially double his monthy repayment and he'd be debt free in half the time. I could then let him pay me back bit by bit the money I have contributed, interest-free, obviously. Or should I start saving and let him continue making his repayments? I'd have a nice lump sum by the time his debt is paid and we could use it (eventually as a house deposit)? He racked up his debt before we got together and has a tendency to be irresponsible with money, so I worry that by helping him out, he won't learn the lesson that I have learnt whilst repaying my debt (i.e. NEVER to get in such a mess again!). Would my saving while he is still repaying be selfish on my part? His future is my future, after all, so the sooner he is debt free, the quicker we can move on and enjoy life a bit more.

I'd really appreciate anyone's advice on this, especially if they have found themselves in the same position!

mrsspendalot · 17 April 2007 at 1:24PM

hello and welcome to DFW. well done on almost getting yourself debt free! I don't know what to advise about helping someone else pay off their debt though ... very personal choice I think.

Snaggles · 17 April 2007 at 1:28PM

I was in a similar position with my hubby, he was in quite a substantial amount of debt when I met him (I had a bit, but it was mainly a car loan rather than debt that had just been run up on general spending). I knew I wanted to be with him forever and took the decision (as you said) that his future was my future, so we joined our finances together, and tackled the debts together too.

But having said that, no-one could blame you either for not wanting to do it that way, and you're right, unless he HAS learned his lesson, what's to stop it from happening again.

You know him better than anyone - can he resist the urge to overspend now? And what about you, would you feel any resentment if you do use you own money to help him clear his debts? (I suppose this could be true if you save up for a house deposit too though - you COULD end up feeling resentful that you've done all the saving for the deposit and he hasn't really contributed). Go with what your head and heart tell you, that way you are less likely to have regrets in the future.

kinkypixie · 17 April 2007 at 1:28PM

Welcome to the board - I would catagorically say NO - DON'T DO IT!!!!

The reason I have so much debt is that I paid off all my BF's debt, he left me and I have never seen a single penny!!!!

art_student · 17 April 2007 at 1:36PM

I definately agree with mrs spendalot that it's a very personal choice. My own experience is that my husband had racked up debts of about £30,000 before we got married and I am now helping him pay them off. It's definately beneficial for him to have me sorting his money out because he isn't so good at it / can't be bothered as much. He doesn't spend money unnecessarily any more though and I trust him not to.
I think it probably depends on your level of committment to the relationship. if you help your partner out you are essentially saying that you view his finances as your finances but as you suggest that you would like to buy a house together in the future then probably your relationship is very committed.
I can't really help you much, good luck though with whatever you decide!

Sea78 · 17 April 2007 at 2:01PM

Hi

I did this when I met OH. Now regret it as he hadn't learnt anything and I ran up lots of debts in my own name (through both our spending). He is now able to get credit and hasn't had a LB moment at all. It might be good to save and carry on living a more budgeted existence as then he isn't feeling like he's holding you back. A really difficult decision for you. I wouldn't do it again EVER!

huxley · 17 April 2007 at 2:38PM

Hi, in your heart you will know what you want to do but go careful, show him the skills you have learnt in controlling your money and encourage him and let him know that he is not holding you back as long as he is honest about his spending and you work together, but I wouldnt make it too easy otherwise the good lessons wont be learnt. My oh has quite a bit of debt and not for the first time,he hasn't learnt and everytime I think there may be a chink of light at the end of the tunnel it gets bricked up again, a partnership fighting a debt can make you stronger and closer but if only one of you is making commitment it can be a lonely road. I hope it all works out well for you.

Storm · 17 April 2007 at 2:59PM

As others have said, it's a very personal decision based on your relationship & how well you think he's learned his lesson. One compromise could be though that once you're debt-free you could offer to take on a slightly larger proportion of the bills, or pay more towards a holiday than him - that will free up a bit of money each month for him, but without absolving him of responsibility.

Congrats on your own debt-free journey though!

olibearhorse · 17 April 2007 at 3:18PM

I agree with Storm. I will be debt free before my BF and fully intend to help with his by paying more towards bills/mortgage etc. I think he needs to feel in control of his own debt for him to learn the valuable lesson of not to do it again!

hannahsmummy1 · 17 April 2007 at 3:41PM

I got myself into debt before- i had a credit card and maxed it out to 2000 -it was the first bit of credit i had, i also had a full time job & no outgoings really (apart from 300 a month rent ) my hubby (at the time he was boyfriend!) helped me out, and gave me the money to pay off the car-mainly because our daughter was due & he didnt want the debt after that as i would be only on maternity money from work (then half pay!) I learnt my lesson at the time, and from then on was very careful with money- i kept the credit card, but only spent on it under 50 a month & always paid it off straight away! I stayed that way for 2 and a half years, until we got married last year & now i have 3 cards to pay & 2 loans- i already paid one loan off, and am near to paying the 1st card off- hubby doesnt know about my debts- i want to pay them off myself- i ran up the debt - i want to be the one to pay it off in the hope that i wont get myself in this situation again! If he helps, i would more than likely do it again in the future (i know what im like!)

Welshlassie · 17 April 2007 at 3:44PM

I was in a similar position except they were my debts.

My partner (now husband) refused to get married or even consider setting a date until I had paid off the majority of the debts (about £4,500 at the time). I tightened my belt, sold off as much as I could and threw every spare penny at the debts because all I wanted to do was get married.

This was almost 5 years ago. We are now happily married almost completely debt free (£2k on a 0% credit card and mortgage) and have a baby on the way. On top of that he now trusts me enough to be manage our money. We have a joint account and everything is paid out of it.

If I hadn't of tackled these debts myself and he've helped me I wouldn't have had my LBM and would probably still been in debt. I had to examine why I had run the debts up and how I could cut back in all areas to pay them off. It wasn't the fact he couldn't afford to help me as he could as he earnt more than me at the time, but I had to deal with them myself.

It is a personal choice at the end of the day, but you need to ensure that he really has faced up to why he got himself into this position and he has broken these habits. good luck.

ADVICE PLSE - Should I help pay off my partner's debts

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